The Angel's Game
Chapter 4
So, things have been different. I think me and Vic have grown a great bond. I can tell him anything and he hasn’t judged me so far. He has helped me sort some of my feelings out and help cope with them. He’s been making me go to school, and he enrolled, too. So Hayley and Jenna have taken a special liking to him. Especially Hayley. But besides that, I’ve been sober for about a week, and I can truly say I’m proud.
“Come on, let’s go,” Vic smacked my head with his book. “I wanna watch some Spongebob. That shits hilarious.” Hayley laughed as we walked out of the school. I just rolled my eyes.
“Can I come over? I’m bored,” Hayley asked us, but mostly Vic. I told all of them Vic was a childhood friend who just moved here on his own, so he was staying with me. My mom still has no idea he exists.
“Why not,” I said lifelessly.
“Yeah, it’ll be fun.” Vic smiled at her. Damn his manners. We all made our way through the parking lot to my car. All around us were other vehicles covered in sticky notes and paint asking their other half to the dance this weekend. I’ve never gotten asked before, so I don’t really plan on going, but Vic wants to. So I guess he has to drag me along.
“Awww, that’s so sweet,” Hayley cooed at all the cars and couples kissing. “I wish someone would ask me,” she trailed off, looking at Vic.
“That would be something.” Vic smiled at her and got in the passenger’s seat. I couldn’t help but giggle to myself. I don’t know why, but Hayley’s crush bothers me. I can’t put a finger on why. It just does.
“So,” Hayley insisted. “Are you going to the dance on Friday, Vic?” she asked sweetly, battering her eyelashes. I gritted my teeth as I backed up out of the parking lot past the students. I told her he was gay, doesn’t she get that? Kids our age have a better tolerance for gays and bisexuals than others, but people like Oli are still out there. So I told her to keep it to herself.
“Yeah, I think it’ll be fun. Something different. Kells and I gotta go shopping soon,” he nudged me and laughed. I just focused on my driving.
“You’re going too, Kellin? But you hate dances. And people,” she teased.
“Yeah, well, Vic wanted me to go, so I agreed.”
“But you never go when I tell you to go,” she argued.
“Yeah, well, I don’t know. Jesse never went and now that I have a guy friend to go with, I guess it’ll be different.” I always had to make excuses why me and Vic were always together, but people normally didn’t second guess us. The rest of the car ride home was pretty quiet, but I only lived a few minutes away from school. I normally walked but Vic liked riding in the car. I don’t know why.
We all got our backpacks and piled them behind my front door. Mom and Dad are still at work, so I’m normally out smoking or taking a walk. But since Vic has been around, we’ve been at home just talking. Sounds boring, but no one really cared what I think, so just having someone listen makes me feel better.
“Sorry I don’t really have food,” I said, flopping on the couch. Just as I picked up the remote, Vic snatched it out of my hands and stuck his tongue out. I stuck mine back out and kicked him playfully. Hayley sat really close next to Vic. This woke the feeling again. I became anxious. I began shaking my leg as Vic found Spongebob on the DVR. Vic has been able to read me like a book. Whether its because I told him or from experience, he knows all of my triggers and warning signs.
I saw in the corner of my eye him looking at my leg. I just bit my lip. He reached a muscular arm behind me and rubbed my lower back in long, slow strokes. I felt myself relax a bit. Since we were both on each side of Vic, Hayley didn’t see. I let go of my lip and savored the small taste of blood as his comforting touch memorized me. Since Vic and I have grown closer, he learned its small, physical things like this that calm me. I didn’t even know that about myself. I still don’t even know why he cares so much. Probably just to get out of this ‘hell hole’.
I eventually stopped shaking and the feeling went away, but Vic’s hand never left my back. I felt so safe when he touched me. Like nothing bad could ever happen to me, or us. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I think I’m starting to get feelings for him. But he can’t know. Reject is my biggest fear, so why even try? I decided I liked the way things were going now. Though I wish we could go further, this was better than nothing.
“Vic, you’re so cute when watch Spongebob,” Hayley giggled, giving him a cute look. He laughed back.
“Why? I just love this show. Haha,” he smiled.
“I don’t know, you just look so, into it.” She said more sharply. He just smiled back. I don’t think he’s into her, but you never know. He is bisexual. But I guess in the 2nd dimension, there’s no difference between homosexuality and bisexuality. Her flirtatious comments made the feeling come back again. I don’t know what I’d do if she took him away from me. I’d just be alone again. I can’t have that again. My leg started to shake again and my lip was being bitten again. Vic continued rubbing my back. He looked over with a concerned look. The feeling just grew more over whelming.
“Oh, my rides here,” Hayley chimed.
“I gotta go.” I rushed upstairs and into the bathroom.
“Kells!” Vic called.
“He’s fine, he always does that. Walk me out?” I heard Hayley’s voice echo against the walls. I cringed as I heard the door shut behind them.
“He’ll never want you, so just stop!” I yelled at the mirror as tears streamed down my pale cheeks. The feeling possessed me as I threw up in the toilet and fell to my bruised knees. “That was fucking gross, you pig.” I scolded myself. I finally lost the weight I had gained from the hospital back. I still hate myself, though. I felt the need to cry. Cry to someone. What’s taking Vic so long?
I cleaned my mouth and wiped my tears before heading outside to see what was taking so long. I opened the door to find it. Finally, my biggest fear has come true. And now I’ve lost him forever. Hayley’s lips against Vic’s. Though it was an innocent enough kiss, my heart couldn’t have shattered in smaller pieces.
There I stood, my jaw to the floor and tears growing in my eyes. “Sorry,” I muttered, closing the door again. I ran past the couch and up the stairs to my room. “Nghhh!” I finally cried out. My hysterical crying filled the heart-wrenching silence that now filled the house. I fell to my knees once more. I cupped my face in my hands and just screamed. I can’t handle things like this. This is why I don’t have feelings. They always get torn to pieces, and I set up my walls again. I wonder why I even let Vic in. Because he was my angel? Pfft, that should be no excuse. I exposed my face to my moonlit room once more before remembering the box I had hid under my bed. Vic and I had made an agreement that I got rid of all of my razor blades so I couldn’t hurt myself anymore and if I wanted to, to talk to him. But now he’s the one hurting me. I crawled over underneath my bed and grabbed the small box. I tore the lid off and grabbed a small blade I had hid under here about a year ago.
I lifted my shirt and looked at the gross excuse that was my stomach. I didn’t hesitate before etching an “F” on my lower abdomen. I sobbed quieter as I finished the “REAK”. I put my shirt back down. I heard Vic coming up the stairs. I quickly put the blade in the box and threw it under my bed.
“Kellin?” Vic flipped on the light to find a crying boy, sobbing on the floor. “What is wrong??” Vic knelled down and put a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off.
“What the hell was that? K-Kissing my best friend? How could you?” I yelled, slowly crawling away from him. Just seeing him after what he did broke me. It’s not like we were together or that he even liked me, I just still was in such a dark place.
“Listen,” he used his low, comforting voice, keeping his distance. “All that happened was she asked me to the dance, I said yes, and she surprisingly gave me a small kiss. That’s all, I swear. I didn’t do anything,” he said.
“Why’d you say yes? I t-thought that would be a night for us to be alone!” I argued, my voice shaking.
“But Kells- is that blood seeping through your shirt?” Vic’s voice got extremely serious. It was kind of scary when he got mad at me. He definitely had an angel’s voice, but he was quite intimidating when he needed to be.
“So what?” I sobbed.
“Fuck no, Kellin.” I grabbed my wrist and yanked me onto the bed.
“Let go! S-Stop!” I tried to escape his grip, but he pulled me up and pinned me down. He lifted my shirt to find the word “FREAK” dripping down my stomach. I bit my lip again and shut my eyes. I wasn’t ready for the beating I was expecting for this. Vic absolutely hated when I hurt myself.
“Now, how could you do this to me?” his voice sounded so fragile, like it could break at any second. I opened an eye to see a tear falling down his cheek. Now I’ve hurt him. I didn’t think of it that way. I always would hurt myself to, well, hurt myself. No one else had really cared before. But Maybe Vic does. Maybe I’m not just another hopeless human to him. “What else have you done?”
“Nothing, I s-swear.”
“Don’t lie.” Another tear fell.
“Um..” I started to cry again.
“Come on, let’s go,” Vic smacked my head with his book. “I wanna watch some Spongebob. That shits hilarious.” Hayley laughed as we walked out of the school. I just rolled my eyes.
“Can I come over? I’m bored,” Hayley asked us, but mostly Vic. I told all of them Vic was a childhood friend who just moved here on his own, so he was staying with me. My mom still has no idea he exists.
“Why not,” I said lifelessly.
“Yeah, it’ll be fun.” Vic smiled at her. Damn his manners. We all made our way through the parking lot to my car. All around us were other vehicles covered in sticky notes and paint asking their other half to the dance this weekend. I’ve never gotten asked before, so I don’t really plan on going, but Vic wants to. So I guess he has to drag me along.
“Awww, that’s so sweet,” Hayley cooed at all the cars and couples kissing. “I wish someone would ask me,” she trailed off, looking at Vic.
“That would be something.” Vic smiled at her and got in the passenger’s seat. I couldn’t help but giggle to myself. I don’t know why, but Hayley’s crush bothers me. I can’t put a finger on why. It just does.
“So,” Hayley insisted. “Are you going to the dance on Friday, Vic?” she asked sweetly, battering her eyelashes. I gritted my teeth as I backed up out of the parking lot past the students. I told her he was gay, doesn’t she get that? Kids our age have a better tolerance for gays and bisexuals than others, but people like Oli are still out there. So I told her to keep it to herself.
“Yeah, I think it’ll be fun. Something different. Kells and I gotta go shopping soon,” he nudged me and laughed. I just focused on my driving.
“You’re going too, Kellin? But you hate dances. And people,” she teased.
“Yeah, well, Vic wanted me to go, so I agreed.”
“But you never go when I tell you to go,” she argued.
“Yeah, well, I don’t know. Jesse never went and now that I have a guy friend to go with, I guess it’ll be different.” I always had to make excuses why me and Vic were always together, but people normally didn’t second guess us. The rest of the car ride home was pretty quiet, but I only lived a few minutes away from school. I normally walked but Vic liked riding in the car. I don’t know why.
We all got our backpacks and piled them behind my front door. Mom and Dad are still at work, so I’m normally out smoking or taking a walk. But since Vic has been around, we’ve been at home just talking. Sounds boring, but no one really cared what I think, so just having someone listen makes me feel better.
“Sorry I don’t really have food,” I said, flopping on the couch. Just as I picked up the remote, Vic snatched it out of my hands and stuck his tongue out. I stuck mine back out and kicked him playfully. Hayley sat really close next to Vic. This woke the feeling again. I became anxious. I began shaking my leg as Vic found Spongebob on the DVR. Vic has been able to read me like a book. Whether its because I told him or from experience, he knows all of my triggers and warning signs.
I saw in the corner of my eye him looking at my leg. I just bit my lip. He reached a muscular arm behind me and rubbed my lower back in long, slow strokes. I felt myself relax a bit. Since we were both on each side of Vic, Hayley didn’t see. I let go of my lip and savored the small taste of blood as his comforting touch memorized me. Since Vic and I have grown closer, he learned its small, physical things like this that calm me. I didn’t even know that about myself. I still don’t even know why he cares so much. Probably just to get out of this ‘hell hole’.
I eventually stopped shaking and the feeling went away, but Vic’s hand never left my back. I felt so safe when he touched me. Like nothing bad could ever happen to me, or us. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I think I’m starting to get feelings for him. But he can’t know. Reject is my biggest fear, so why even try? I decided I liked the way things were going now. Though I wish we could go further, this was better than nothing.
“Vic, you’re so cute when watch Spongebob,” Hayley giggled, giving him a cute look. He laughed back.
“Why? I just love this show. Haha,” he smiled.
“I don’t know, you just look so, into it.” She said more sharply. He just smiled back. I don’t think he’s into her, but you never know. He is bisexual. But I guess in the 2nd dimension, there’s no difference between homosexuality and bisexuality. Her flirtatious comments made the feeling come back again. I don’t know what I’d do if she took him away from me. I’d just be alone again. I can’t have that again. My leg started to shake again and my lip was being bitten again. Vic continued rubbing my back. He looked over with a concerned look. The feeling just grew more over whelming.
“Oh, my rides here,” Hayley chimed.
“I gotta go.” I rushed upstairs and into the bathroom.
“Kells!” Vic called.
“He’s fine, he always does that. Walk me out?” I heard Hayley’s voice echo against the walls. I cringed as I heard the door shut behind them.
“He’ll never want you, so just stop!” I yelled at the mirror as tears streamed down my pale cheeks. The feeling possessed me as I threw up in the toilet and fell to my bruised knees. “That was fucking gross, you pig.” I scolded myself. I finally lost the weight I had gained from the hospital back. I still hate myself, though. I felt the need to cry. Cry to someone. What’s taking Vic so long?
I cleaned my mouth and wiped my tears before heading outside to see what was taking so long. I opened the door to find it. Finally, my biggest fear has come true. And now I’ve lost him forever. Hayley’s lips against Vic’s. Though it was an innocent enough kiss, my heart couldn’t have shattered in smaller pieces.
There I stood, my jaw to the floor and tears growing in my eyes. “Sorry,” I muttered, closing the door again. I ran past the couch and up the stairs to my room. “Nghhh!” I finally cried out. My hysterical crying filled the heart-wrenching silence that now filled the house. I fell to my knees once more. I cupped my face in my hands and just screamed. I can’t handle things like this. This is why I don’t have feelings. They always get torn to pieces, and I set up my walls again. I wonder why I even let Vic in. Because he was my angel? Pfft, that should be no excuse. I exposed my face to my moonlit room once more before remembering the box I had hid under my bed. Vic and I had made an agreement that I got rid of all of my razor blades so I couldn’t hurt myself anymore and if I wanted to, to talk to him. But now he’s the one hurting me. I crawled over underneath my bed and grabbed the small box. I tore the lid off and grabbed a small blade I had hid under here about a year ago.
I lifted my shirt and looked at the gross excuse that was my stomach. I didn’t hesitate before etching an “F” on my lower abdomen. I sobbed quieter as I finished the “REAK”. I put my shirt back down. I heard Vic coming up the stairs. I quickly put the blade in the box and threw it under my bed.
“Kellin?” Vic flipped on the light to find a crying boy, sobbing on the floor. “What is wrong??” Vic knelled down and put a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off.
“What the hell was that? K-Kissing my best friend? How could you?” I yelled, slowly crawling away from him. Just seeing him after what he did broke me. It’s not like we were together or that he even liked me, I just still was in such a dark place.
“Listen,” he used his low, comforting voice, keeping his distance. “All that happened was she asked me to the dance, I said yes, and she surprisingly gave me a small kiss. That’s all, I swear. I didn’t do anything,” he said.
“Why’d you say yes? I t-thought that would be a night for us to be alone!” I argued, my voice shaking.
“But Kells- is that blood seeping through your shirt?” Vic’s voice got extremely serious. It was kind of scary when he got mad at me. He definitely had an angel’s voice, but he was quite intimidating when he needed to be.
“So what?” I sobbed.
“Fuck no, Kellin.” I grabbed my wrist and yanked me onto the bed.
“Let go! S-Stop!” I tried to escape his grip, but he pulled me up and pinned me down. He lifted my shirt to find the word “FREAK” dripping down my stomach. I bit my lip again and shut my eyes. I wasn’t ready for the beating I was expecting for this. Vic absolutely hated when I hurt myself.
“Now, how could you do this to me?” his voice sounded so fragile, like it could break at any second. I opened an eye to see a tear falling down his cheek. Now I’ve hurt him. I didn’t think of it that way. I always would hurt myself to, well, hurt myself. No one else had really cared before. But Maybe Vic does. Maybe I’m not just another hopeless human to him. “What else have you done?”
“Nothing, I s-swear.”
“Don’t lie.” Another tear fell.
“Um..” I started to cry again.