Through the Cracks

The kids got off the bus and kicked the snow off their shoes as they filed into the school. On one side of Butters shuffled Kenny, keeping an eye on his friend. He was watching for any sign that something was amiss, but he wasn't sure what that would look like, as Butters was usually all sunshine and rainbows. On the other side was Cartman. The chubby boy was packed tightly into dress clothes, clearly trying to turn on the charm. "Oh, Butters! So nice to see you!" he chirped, patting Butters on the arm. "What's goin' on?"

Kenny rolled his eyes. Whatever. Drop the act and leave the kid alone.

"Well, my uncle is coming to visit for the weekend." He tried to sound happy, but anxiety seeped into the words. Kenny gravitated closer to the other two boys so that he could be included in the conversation.

"That's so kewl." The act continued. "Maybe I can bring over a plate of my mahm's delicious cookies for him to have." Cartman looked at Kenny and made a spectacle of winking and pointing at the unknowing Butters.

Butters trusted in every word. "That'd be awful nice. Then everybody'd feel b-better and Uncle Bud could leave."

Finally, Kenny asked, (Is everything okay at home?)

"Yes, it almost sounds like you don't want your uncle to visit," Cartman added, a little louder than necessary, expecting all the boys to immediately stop in their tracks and listen to him. Stan and Kyle were walking a few steps ahead and kept discussing the latest episode of Family Guy. They were used to tuning Cartman out, and made sure to add some extra enthusiasm to their chatter about one of Cartman's least favorite things. Still using his outdoor voice, Cartman continued. "After all, I thought you loved your uncle. It seems kind of strange that – oh no!" Abruptly, Cartman forcefully tossed his books, pencils, and crayons at Stan and Kyle.

Stan bumped into Craig, who automatically jabbed him with his elbow. Kyle skidded on some pencils, crashed into Bebe and pinned her against a locker. Unlike Craig, Bebe did not object to the close contact. "Hey, handsome." Kyle paid her no attention, and was already turning towards Cartman. "What the fuck was that for?"

"How clumsy of me. I have dropped all of my school supplies." Cartman enunciated each syllable, one of his many attention-getting devices. "I will just have to bend down and pick them all up." Cartman tried to align his ass with Butters' line of sight. That's right. Take a good look, and you'll tell us about your uncle taking a taste of your Hershey Highway. And give me all of your lunch money. Brimming with anticipation, Cartman bent down to pick up his things, and a sparkly pink strap became visible over the top of his pants. He fully expected Butters to launch into an even more graphic retelling than the one in Principal Victoria's office. Instead, he heard a commotion from inside Mrs. Garrison's classroom. He looked up to see all the kids, including Butters, clustered at the door, not paying him a shred of attention. "Weak."

Mrs. Garrison was blocking the door so that none of the kids could get in. "Okay, children, today we will be introducing a new school policy. Starting today, all teachers are required to make sure students are wearing appropriate undergarments." Confusion rippled among the kids. "That means no thongs, g-strings, two-ways, banana hammocks, and no freeballing."

"What, now?" asked Butters.

"All the raunchy skankiness in this class is going to stop. Frankly, it is offensive to my delicate feminine constitution. Alright Pip, get in here and drop your drawers."

Pip had no wish to be first, but was happy to get the matter over with as his classmates snickered. "Right-o," Pip squeaked as he stepped into the classroom.

In the hall, Cartman had just finished scooping up all of his books and writing utensils, disappointed to have lost his audience. He joined the back of the cluster of children only to overhear Wendy and Bebe's nervous whispers. "You don't think she's really going to make us pull our pants down in front of everyone… do you?" Even Bebe had to draw the line somewhere.

Wendy tried to sound more confident than she felt. "No, no. I don't think so. There's no way Principal Victoria would let her do that."

Mrs. Garrison spoke again. "Okay. You won't need to pay a visit to the principal. Go take your seat." Wendy and Bebe gaped.

Pip was relieved. "I promise you, Mrs. Garrison. I would but deign to wear naughty knickers."

"Yeah, yeah, shut your piehole already." All the boys laughed at Pip from force of habit. But it wasn't their usual laughter, knowing that they were not far behind. Mrs. Garrison beckoned, "Jenny, you're next."

Only Cartman was able to laugh to his heart's content. He was being practically invited to remove his pants for all to see. Awesome. I'll go last, and then I'll unleash my weapon of class disruption. Mrs. Garrison will never be able to restore order. He watched attentively as the group of children ahead of him got smaller and smaller.

"Silk boxers. Very nice, Token." Token pulled up his pants and took his seat, exchanging pissed expressions with Craig. "Kyle, you're next." Cartman stood on his tiptoes, straining to see what would happen. Kyle didn't move. "Come on, Kyle. I'd like to get you all checked this year."

"I'm not showing you my underwear."

"You don't have a choice, Kyle."

Stan didn't want to watch his best friend be exposed in front of the class. It was bad enough that he had had to see it happen to Wendy. But damn, was she cute in her My Little Horsie panties… No, Stan. Focus. "But Mrs. Garrison, if you're making us show you our underwear, isn't that just giving more attention to something you think is getting too much attention in the first place?"

Kyle added, "Plus, I would never wear a thong. That is really, really gay."

Cartman snorted. Getting boys to do whatever you want is gay, Kyle? We'll see about that. Cartman reached between Stan and Butters and shoved Kyle through the doorway.

Still refusing to stop, Mrs. Garrison pulled on Kyle's waistband. "Terrence and Phillip boxers. You're in the clear, but you're not going to get laid anytime soon." An appalled Kyle took his seat, watching Mrs. Garrison with contempt as she checked Stan, Kenny, and Clyde. Clyde was visibly frightened, but unzipped his jeans just the same. Upon lowering his pants, the bottom of his colostomy bag draped below his shirt. Stan looked away, feeling more uncomfortable now than when he had to show his own underwear. Cartman craned his neck around the kids in front of him to get a peek before burying his face in his sleeve, trying to pass his laughter off as a coughing fit. Satisfied, Mrs. Garrison knelt down next to Clyde, and lectured, "I know with your… condition… your underwear aren't the first thing anyone's going to be looking at. But tighty-whities? That's just dorky. Next!" Clyde buttoned his jeans again and went to his seat, where he buried his face in his hands, breaking into muffled sobs. Stan reached over and patted Clyde on the shoulder.

Finally, only Cartman and Butters remained to be checked. Cartman hid behind the doorframe to be sure that Butters was checked first and sitting front row center when it was Cartman's turn. "Let's go, Butters." Mrs. Garrison stood with her hands on her hips.

Butters stalled. King Mysterion told me I shouldn't haveta take off my pants if I don't want to. He stepped timidly through the door, eyes on his desk.

Trying to catch Butters' attention without being noticed by anyone else, Kenny shifted in his seat. If Mrs. Garrison makes him do that, he's going to think it's okay for any pedo to touch him. Kenny got out of his seat. (Mrs. Garrison, you've checked almost everybody. Isn't that good enough?) Butters' eyes made the same plea.

"Kenny, take your seat. I am required to check every student. My hands are tied." She reached for Butters' waistband.

(I wish your hands were tied, you tranny bitch.)

"That's nice, Kenny. Go ahead, Butters." No luck. Now, Butters only saw the desk where he desperately wanted to be and his teacher's expectation for him. The boy exhaled and dropped his pants. Some of the other kids still had the nerve to snicker, even after baring their underwear. "What the –?"

In the hall, Cartman could barely breathe from laughing at the sight of Butters in his Hello Kitty training pants. Butters tried to offer Mrs. Garrison a discreet explanation. "I gotta wear 'em 'cos of my heshiated colon." He thought for a moment, then asked softly, "Do you need to check my wiener, too?" He fully expected the answer to be yes, like when Uncle Bud needed to check him.

"No, of course not. Go have a seat. And remember, ladies like me don't want to hear about Captain Winkey and his two first mates."

"Uh, okay then." Butters took his seat.

Mrs. Garrison surveyed her work. Before her sat a class of quiet children wearing acceptable clothing. "Well, I guess that's everyone. And if we keep the sexual behavior out of the classroom, we may not need to have underwear checks every day." None of them will dare to act up now, she thought, pleased.

Her sense of contentment didn't last, as Cartman shot through the classroom door with a precarious stack of school things in his arms. "My turn! My turn!"