Tangled in the Great Escape

Waking up on Christmas day, I felt anxious and nervous. I don’t know how everybody is going to be today and I would die if I have to spend Christmas alone because nobody could stand being in the same room as I am. I woke up early to take my mom to church, even though going to church isn’t really my thing, it has been a Christmas tradition even since I was just a little boy. We would usually go as a family, with both of my parents but since my dad passed, it was just my mom and I.

I walked downstairs and saw my mom sitting on her bed, watching morning Christmas cartoon on TV all ready and dressed up. Lauren came by earlier to help Ma get ready for church but left immediately after to spend her Christmas with her family.

“Hey Ma. Merry Christmas” I stood on the doorway with my hands in my pocket, smiling, but not really expecting much from my mom.

She turned her head and just stared at me for a few seconds before turning her attention back to the TV. I sighed and looked down at my feet, this is not a good way to start Christmas morning, I thought.

“Are you ready, Ma?” I asked as I stepped inside her room. This time she responded with a small nod, not taking her eyes off the TV. I walked to the corner of the room and wheel over her wheelchair by the bed; carefully I lifted her and put her down on the chair.

The ride to our Catholic church was filled with excruciatingly awkward silences with mom looking out the window and keeping quiet the entire time. I tried making conversation with her but she didn’t say anything, not even a glance at my direction, so I stopped trying.

Her coldness didn’t seem to falter as we left the church after a boring morning mass. She kept quiet the entire ride home and only talked when she told me to close the door behind me after I push her to her room. I dragged my feet to the living room and threw my body to the couch; I toss my LBG snapback across the room in frustration.

I sat up and buried my face; I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low since the day my Dad passed away. I was desperate, angry and confused because no matter what I do, I don’t think I could ever go back to everybody’s good side. My friends have turned their backs against me, my mom thought I was a monster and the bitch about this whole thing is the fact I will probably be spending Christmas alone.

Looking up, my sight fell on the blown up family portrait my mom hung on the wall. I was probably either 5 or 6 years old and I grinning from ear to ear, standing between my parents who had their arms around me. I looked at my dad, man how I miss him so much. I hadn’t thought about him in quite a while since my life went to shit, now that I literally have nobody, losing him hits me harder than ever. I know if he was here he would give me a hard slap in the head and a lecture about respecting women, but I know he wouldn’t turn his back on me, I know he would be on my side no matter what.

I can feel my throat constricting and my chest began to feel heavy as I forced back the tears that were threatening to fall down my cheeks. But I failed as I fell down to the floor, crouching with my palms covering my face and began to sob. I miss having dad around and I sure as hell miss having a close-knit family by my side. I stayed on the floor, crying for a good 5 minutes until my eyes were dried up and I couldn’t cry anymore.

“I miss you dad, I really wish you were here,” I whispered as I looked up to the portrait. I would kill for another minute with him, so I can ask him what the hell I should do.

“Tony?”

I whip my head to where the sound came from and I saw my mom in her chair, just sitting idly by the couch. I scrambled to my feet and quickly wiped my face to get rid of any evidence of tears.

“Hey Ma, what’s wrong? Do you need anything? Are you hungry?” I walked towards her chair and kneeled so we were eye level.

She shook her head and gently stroked my cheek. “What’s wrong honey? Are you okay?”

I burst back into tears as soon as those questions came out of her mouth. She grabbed me closer and I ended up sobbing on her lap, with her gently soothing me to stop crying.

“I’m so sorry mom, I know I’ve disappointed you and a lot of people but I swear I didn’t mean to. I would never let you down on purpose and I’ve been trying really hard to make everything right, but it seems like nothing is working” I looked up to Ma, who was starting to cry herself.

“No Mijo, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done what I did; no mother should ever turn her back on her son. I was just so mad and angry that I lost track of what’s right and I didn’t take your feelings into consideration”

“I just wish Pa was here, you know? I just miss him so much it sucks not having him around”

“Oh come here” She cried and pulled me up so she could give me a hug. I held her tightly, afraid I might lose her again if I let go.

“I’m really sorry Mijo, please forgive me?” She cupped my face and I nodded eagerly.

“And please forgive me, Ma. I miss hanging out with you and talking to you”

She smiled and nodded. “You missed your old man huh?” She smiled sweetly. “I miss him too, especially today”

“Yeah, I wish he could be here right now. Drinking hot cocoa and talk about how much of an idiot I have been,” We both laughed.

“Why don’t we go visit him today? It’s been a while and since it’s Christmas, I thought we’d go and say hello?”

I smiled at her idea. “I’ll go change and freshen up” With that I ran up the stairs and change into a more comfortable but warm attire.

Ma decided to give me time alone when we got to the cemetery, giving me privacy as she waited in the car. It felt weird at first, talking to a headstone and having no one talking back to you but after a while I got so into it that I almost forgot that I left Ma alone in the car. I told him about Cassie, about the new album we were going to write, and how things were at home. When it was Ma’s turn, I left her alone to talk to Pa while I watched a few feet behind her, I couldn’t hear what she said but I knew she was glad that we came today.

The drive home from the cemetery was a complete opposite of the drive after the church. We were talking, joking around; everything was slowly starting to feel okay again. Once we got home, I got out and carefully move Ma from the front seat to her chair, as I was walking her inside, I saw Vic standing by the door with his hand in his pocket.

“Hey man, Merry Christmas,” I said as we got closer and gave him a one armed hug.

“Merry Christmas, dude” He smiled. “Hey Mrs. P, Merry Christmas” He bent down and gave my mom a hug.

“Merry Christmas Victor, it has been quite a while since you dropped by,” She said after letting go of the hug.

“Yeah, what are you doing here man?” I couldn’t contain my smile, as I was excited to see one of my best mates here.

“Well it is Christmas, so I was wondering if you guys would like to join the dinner tonight. We’re having it at Mike’s place this time since Frenchi is not… well, she doesn’t want to move basically” He chuckled and we both followed.

“Trust me, I know” Ma laughed. “Can you push me inside? I’m getting chilly” She tugged on my sleeve and I nodded.

“You can come inside if you want?” I offered but Vic declined.

“It’s okay, I have to help Frenchi and Mike set up the house. But we’ll see you there yeah?”

“You bet” I waved as he got into his car and drove away.

When it was time to get ready, I pushed Ma into her room and help her get changed, once she was all set I went upstairs to change my shirt into a nicer apparel, opting for a black button down shirt to go with my Key Street chinos.

I’m not going to lie and say that I’m fine with this whole Christmas dinner, because I’m not. My heart is in my throat and my palms are sweating from the nerve that’s making my stomach churn. So far, Vic is the only one who isn’t out to kill me and by coming to this dinner I’m basically throwing myself into a pack of angry wolves.

“Are you nervous Mijo?” Ma asked when we were driving to Mike’s place.

I turned to her and smile. “A little”

“Don’t be, everything is going to be fine” She gave me an assuring smile and squeezed my arm.

Once we reached Mike’s, I parked the car and helped Ma to her chair. I could see that everybody was already there and suddenly I felt out of place. Pushing Ma inside the house, I saw the girls grouping together in the kitchen preparing dinner and the guys watching TV in the other room. All the guys’ parents were there and I saw glad that Ma came tonight, because ever since the stroke she has been spending a lot of time alone and I can tell she was missing out on a lot.

“Hey man! You made it!” I turned my head and saw Vic standing up, walking towards Ma and I.

“Hey dude,” We exchanged manly hugs and brought Ma over to where the moms were sitting.

After saying ‘hi’ and ‘merry Christmas’, Vic took me to the TV room where the guys were sitting and the butterflies in my stomach were back in action.

“Hey guys,” I said with a smile, hoping to get an equal reaction.

Everybody in the room turned their heads towards where I was standing and stared for a few seconds before Mike broke the silence.

“Hey man! Merry Christmas!” He stood up and gave me a hug, which I return with a relieved feeling.

Papa Fuentes, Jaime’s dad and brother also greeted me with a smile but Jaime was staring at me with a glare that was enough to kill someone. I shot him a smile but he turned away.

The night went on better than I expected, the girls were being civil with me, with an exception of Frenchi sending me death glares whenever I was in her sights. I was involved in conversations but I felt like an outsider simply because I missed out on a lot and I have no idea what they were talking about.

“Come on guys! Dinner is ready” Rachel shouted from the kitchen and everybody poured into the dining room ready to devour the Christmas feast cooked by the ladies.

“Smells awesome, I’m fucking starving!” Mike exclaimed as he rubbed his stomach hungrily, earning a smack in the back from Mama Fuentes.

“Language!” She scolded and everybody laughed.

The dinner went by fast, mostly because everybody was starving but also because it was so fucking delicious. “What’s for dessert?” Jaime grinned and called out to the kitchen where Avela and Rachel were.

“Meringue pie!” Rachel answered as she brought over a big plate of cranberry and orange meringue pie.

“I didn’t know you could bake Rach?” Mike snickered earning a glare from Rachel who was cutting slices of pie to be passed along the table.

“Shut up, this is Cassie’s recipe. She made this recipe by instinct and I swear she’s a genius”

“So you’re taking over Cassie’s role as the dessert baker?” Vic laughed and Rachel grinned from the other side of the table.

“Man, I really wish she was here to spend Christmas with us. This sucks” Mike said and everybody nodded. Jaime and Frenchi immediately turned their heads towards my direction and I tried my hardest to look away without being awkward.

“I’ve been IM-ing her all day, she said she’s spending Christmas with her new best friend Robyn and her family” Avela shrugged and the rest of us just nodded in response.

After the dinner was finished, Mike and Vic offered to wash the dishes as the girls took their turn to hog the living room and gossip with the moms. I didn’t know which side to join so I grabbed a beer and walked out to the backyard, taking a seat in the empty pool chairs.

I laughed a little, thinking of how big of a wimp I was because I really felt like crying. I felt like crying over Cassie, over my friends, over Christmas, basically over everything that has happened these past few weeks.

“Hey” I looked up and saw Avela standing in front of me with a sad smile on her face.

“Hey, what’s up?” I tried to play it as if everything was okay.

She took a seat on empty spot next to me and sighed. “I missed her too, Tone. I really wish she was here”

I was taken aback by what she said, I was going to play it cool and pretend like I didn’t know what she was talking about but she and I both know what I really felt.

“Yeah, I know. This is all my fault, I wish I wasn’t such a dick towards her, you know?”

“Yup, it is” She said looking straight ahead.

“Look, I know you hate me, but you have to know that I’m sorry for what I did to Cassie, and that I didn’t mean to hurt her”

She turned her head to me and sighed. “I don’t hate you Tone and I don’t think you’re a bad guy. You’re just… you’re an idiot. People are idiots sometimes”

I chuckled. “Yeah, I know. I just can’t believe I chose the worst possible time to be an idiot”

She gave me a playful shove. “You know, I was actually team Tony and Cassie” She winked and stood up. “I would wish her a Merry Christmas if I were you”

-

“Tony” I heard Ma called out my name as I closed the sliding glass door.

“Yeah? Do you need anything?” I walked and kneeled by her chair.

“I’m kind of tired, will you call me a cab? I don’t want to you to go home early because of me” Ma said with a smile.

“What? That’s absurd; of course I’m not going to let you go home alone. Let’s go home, I don’t really feel that welcomed here anyway” I gave her a sad smile and she squeezed my arm in response.

After saying goodbye to everyone and explaining why I had to go home so early, I took Ma home and helped her change once we got in. It was only 10:15 but I get why she was tired because she usually goes to sleep at 9 the latest.

I threw myself onto the couch and turned on the TV. The realization of how shitty and crappy this Christmas was hasn’t really struck me yet as I flick over the channel, I was too occupied with what Avela said earlier about wishing Cassie a merry Christmas. A part of me would do it in a heartbeat but another part of me was hiding under a rock because the thought of contacting her is just too frightening. The feeling of fear and excitement was swirling together, overwhelming me to the point that I couldn’t even hear myself think.

After an hour of mindless channel surfing, I stood up and walked towards Ma’s room to check up on her, once I was sure that she was asleep, I took my cigarette and went out for a walk. I purposely left my phone at home so that I can have some time alone without any disturbance, time to think and clear my head from all these shit that’s been swarming in my head.

Going onto my second stick, I found myself walking towards a familiar landscape. A place I haven’t been in a while and certainly a place that I miss going to.

“Hey! It’s the asshole!”