I'd Go Through Hell and Back for You

I stood outside Brian’s hospital room, staring at Selena through the small window in the door. She’s been in there for about an hour now and Brian has yet to wake up. It’s breaking my heart to see her so broken. This was supposed to be such a happy day and it has just turned to crap. And of course the events of today has put some really bad thoughts into my head. What if this was just one big sign that I wasn’t meant to marry or even be with Alex? I love the guy and there’s no denying it but so much has been thrown at us since we’ve been together, maybe we should stop fighting it and just give up. I don’t want to break up though. Sometimes things should just end, it’s life.

I am thankful that nothing was wrong with either me or Alex. He was just beat up a little. The doctor said I might have a small concussion though so I had to watch out for any symptoms. I wouldn’t be leaving the hospital anytime soon so at least I will be surrounded by doctors if anything happens.

“He still hasn’t woken up?” Alex asked as he came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

I leaned back against his body with a sigh. “No and I’m getting worried about Selena. She needs to eat and get something to drink. She has to keep up her strength for the baby. She won’t survive if she loses the baby. I know how that is and it’s the worst thing in the world.”

Ever since we were trapped in that warehouse and seeing Selena so distraught I’ve been having all of these thoughts and flashbacks to when I had my miscarriage. If I’m being completely honest, I’ve been having these thoughts since Selena had that scare, but now they are worse because she is so depressed over Brian being shot and nearly not making it. That was one of the worst times in my life. Even though I didn’t know that I was pregnant until the miscarriage, I felt this hollow place inside of me. I’ve had this empty place ever since that day. I don’t want that for my best friend.

“She won’t lose the baby. How about I go down to the cafeteria and grab her something?” Alex said pressing a kiss to my temple.

I turned around in his arms so I was now facing him and wrapped my arms around his neck. “You’re an amazing guy.” I kissed him. He’s seriously the best guy a girl could ask for so why is the universe against us? Is it because of my not so stellar past?

“You’re an amazing girl.” he smiled. I wish I could believe him. He gave me one last kiss before going to find some food for Selena.

I took a deep breath and walked into Brian’s room. Selena looked up and flashed me a sad smile. “Alex went to get you some food.”

“Thanks. So how are you and Alex? Okay?” she asked.

“Um, yeah we are both fine.” I waved off.

“I know the doctors said that Brian will be fine, but what if he doesn’t wake up?” Selena looked up at me and her eyes are red and puffy. Her face is tear stained with her make-up smeared down her cheeks. “I can’t survive without him.”

“Oh, honey. He’s going to be fine. He just needs lots of rest. He will wake up. He’s just as stubborn as you are, he won’t leave you to raise your baby alone.” I tried to reassure her.

Selena stood up from her seat and in two steps she was in front of me wrapping her arms around my neck and crying. With one hand I cradled her head and with my other hand I rubbed her back soothingly. I had no idea what to do or what to say. There is no manual that teaches you how to deal when your best friend’s boyfriend gets shot. All I could do was show here that I was here for her.

When she finally pulled away and took a step back she wiped some of the tears off of her face. I wiped mine away as well. I hadn’t realized I was crying until I felt tears around my nose. Selena looked down at her dress and laughed. “I kind of ruined my maid of honor dress, sorry.”

“Eh, I rather have your dress be ruined than you not be here at all. It could have been you in that bed.” I nodded toward Brian.

“It could have been you too.” she looked down at the ground then back up at me. “I thought it would have been you. I was so scared when that gun went off. As hard as it is to see Brian lying there in that bed, and back at that warehouse covered in blood, it would have been worse if it were you. I love Brian with my whole heart and soul. He’s the father of my baby girl. But you are my rock, my best friend, my partner in crime. Both cases would have me a wreck, I can’t lose either of you.”

“You’re not going to lose either one of us, I promise.” I told her. I had to believe I could keep that promise because if I don’t, then she won’t and we don’t need none of that negative energy right now.

“I hope you’re right.” she sighed looking back at Brian. “I need him to know that I forgive him and that I love him.”

“He knows that.” I rubbed her shoulder. “You may not have told him but he knows.”

Alex came in and handed Selena a sandwich saying its the most edible thing he could find. Selena thanked him and asked if we would stay with Brian for a few minutes because she had to go talk to her mom about something. I told her I would go get her mom or do anything she needed to do but she insisted that she had to do this herself but didn’t want Brian to be alone and only trusted us. Once she was out of the room I asked Alex to find me some water. I wasn’t thirsty but I just wanted a moment alone with Brian.

"Come on Brian, you have to wake up. Not just for Selena and your daughter, but for me. I know we had our differences and haven't gotten all that close, but you've given me hope. And right you're my only hope. I'm not sure if my relationship will last so please just wake up and give me the hope I need."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Alex's voice startled me. I hadn't heard the door open. Alex stood in the doorway looking confused and hurt.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could think of to say.

"No answer my question. We were supposed to be married today and you're sitting here with doubts in your head." Alex raised his voice as he put the tips of his fingers to his temples.

"Exactly!" I threw my arms up in the air. "We were supposed to be married and where are we? In the hospital because your best friend was shot! If that's not a sign that that wedding wasn't supposed to happen then I don't know what is! We have been doomed since the start."

"Wh-" he looked at me confused. "What are you even talking about?"

"The first time we dated it was a disaster. I was too young to know what a relationship was supposed to be. That ended in me miscarrying our baby. Then when we found each other again, we had to deal with Debby. You took Debby's side even though me and Selena told you not to. And what happened? Selena ended up in the hospital and I nearly lost my best friend. Once we got through that mess, we had some good times. Then there was Wilmer trying to break us up. Once again my best friend ended up in the hospital. Joe even got hurt because of Wilmer and his plots. Now there is Debby again and here we are. I’m just tired of all of these signs telling to stop being with you. I’m tired of my friends getting hurt because I’m in love with you and the universe is against it. " I finally let the tears flow that I was holding back. I could feel my throat closing up. I didn't want to have this conversation here but i guess this is how it is going to be.

"But we got through all of that, babe. We will get through this too." He went to take ahold of my hands but I took a step back. I didn't want him to touch me. He has to know what I am feeling and he can't fix it with a hug or sweet words.

"No." I shook my head. "It's not okay! It's not just all of this fucking drama! It's you." My hands immediately flew to cover my mouth. I hadn't meant it the way it came out but once the words came out I couldn't take it back.

Alex looked like I had told him that his family died. His eyes started to gloss over from the tears forming in his eyes and that broke my heart. But he's been breaking my heart forever without knowing it because I've kept my feelings hidden.

"What did I do? I will fix it, whatever it is." He asked. I've never seen him look so broken.

"You've always told your fans that all girls are beautiful, no matter their body type. You taught your fans to love themselves. That's the same I've taught mine." I paused taking a deep breath. "But until me all you've dated are twig bitches. Hell all of your female friends are models and I can't compete with that. I hate when I login to Instagram and see pictures of you with Sara, Josephine, Barbara, or whoever the model of the month is. You almost dated Josephine. If it hadn't been for you feeling guilty for sleeping with Debby you would have been with Josephine. And I know you slept with Sara. I hate that you're even friends with Barbara who is the reason Selena started self harming. She fucked Justin and shattered Selena. You know that and are still friends with you. That's sick."

Alex took a step back and glared at me. "I was friends with Barbara before that even happened and I wasn't friends with Selena then. But that doesn't me I condoned what Barbara did because I don't but I am not going to cut a friend lose because of a mistake they made. None of us are perfect."

"I know that." I grumbled as I glared back at him.

"And two," he held up two fingers. "You never told me you were uncomfortable with me being friends with those girls."

"I'm that type of girlfriend and you know that. I'm not going to sit back and dictate who you can and can not be friends with."

“Then why are we even arguing about this?” he cut me off.

“Because you don’t get it!” I cried. “I am the girl who is still recovering from an eating disorder. Even though I am healthy now and I am okay with how I look. I have entirely embraced my curves and my big ass. but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still have some issues. I see you with all of these gorgeous girls who are models, who you are always saying you’re so proud of. It just gives me so much insecurities. I have this voice inside my head saying he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t think you’re beautiful. I know it’s not true, but I just can’t help but feel it’s true sometimes. I will never be a size two. I will never be tall. I will never be a model. I go to bed at night sometimes thinking that maybe you really want to be with one of them but are settling for me out of some sort of obligation or to live out some fantasy from six years ago.”

“You’re kidding me right?” he laughed. It wasn’t an amused laugh, but more of a nervous or confused laugh. “I love you more than you can ever know. Yes I have a ton of female friends, a lot of them are models. And yes I have had sex with a few of them. But don’t you dare of a second believe that I want you any less because you’re not some tall, thin girl. I don’t love you for your body, not saying that you have a bad body. Because your body is hot as hell. I love you for your heart. I’ve never met a person with a bigger heart than you. You care so much about everyone around you. And I couldn’t be prouder of your accomplishments. Not just professionally but personally. You struggled with all of your demons and came out on top. You’re incredibly strong and are a fighter. I admire that. I envy that. Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”

“I tried to when we were at your Dad’s but you were acting so fucking weird and we just kept fighting. I thought I could deal with it and on our wedding day when we said our vows that it all would just wash away. Then this happened and I just don’t know anything anymore.” I sat down on a chair, putting my head in my hands and just started crying.

Alex came over, kneeling in front of me. He took my wrists, pulling my hands away from my face so he could see my face. “Tell me what’s going on. I know that all of this isn’t just about insecurities. I know you better than you think.” I just shook my head. I was tired of talking. I was tired of crying. I just want this day to end. “Does it have something to do with what the doctor wanting to talk to you earlier? Is there something wrong with you?” He was now worried and I can’t handle that look on his face. I have hurt him enough for one day, I have to tell him what else is going on.

“I’m fine.” I sniffed, wiping the stray tears off of my cheeks. “But the doctor found something when they got my blood tests back.” I looked him in the eyes, terrified to say what I had to say. I’m not sure how he’s going to react. “I’m pregnant.”

Alex’s eyes got wide and the color from his face drained. To say he was shocked was an understatement. But he didn’t have time to process what I had just said because a voice broke our thoughts. “Congratulations.” Brian said, his voice froggy. Mine and Alex’s heads snapped toward Brian who was now awake and that became our focus.