Hold on Till May

Dear Vic,

I'm sorry. I can't even tell you how sorry I am for doing this to you, I know you thought your help was working but it just isn't enough. I needed something that I knew you couldn't give me. I needed love. Not the friendship kind of love. The romantic kind of love. The kind of love where you just want to hurl because the cuteness.

Oh, how much I craved for you to feel the way I felt towards you. But you're straight, you're a ladies man, a guy that could have any girl-or boy-swooning after you with one glance. And that's exactly what happened with me. That day in freshman year when I accidentally ran into and dropped my books on the ground, I caught your gaze and I just melted. Your chocolate brown eyes met my dull blue ones and I instantly fell for you.

You never suspected a thing, you were always so oblivious. It got so frustrating, Vic, I just wanted to yank my hair out and scream. I always gave out hints that I liked you, when we would hang out at your house and I would grab your hand and intertwine our fingers. A blush would rise to my pale cheeks but you never took notice, you just thought I was looking for comfort. God dammit, Vic, even your brother Mike knew! He guessed I liked you when I came over for the first time. When you got up from the couch to use the restroom, Mike just stated it. "You like my brother don't you, Kellin?" He didn't even joke about it, he just said it with a serious face.

How do you respond to something like that? I had no clue so I just nodded. Mike patted my shoulder and with a sad smile he left to his room. You never even took notice. You never noticed for the next 3 years either. I spent 3 years yearning for your love, but you never noticed. You we're so oblivious.

I'm surprised you noticed I was getting bullied. Every day after school, your "friends" would corner me by the lockers and beat me until I couldn't walk. Mike found out about that as well, but I begged him not to do anything about it. I literally got on my knees and cried at his feet, telling him how much it would you hurt you to realize your friends were the ones who caused me so much pain. Mike just held me while I cried over something so stupid, at least that's what Mike said. He said I deserved better than you, but I refused, you were the only one I ever wanted.

That day you found out about the bullying, was the first time you saw me cry. I was walking out of school, my body was shaking, due to the fact that I knew the beating I was going to receive that day was going to be terrible. I accidentally bumped into Oli in the hall that day and spilled his Gatorade on his Vans. He gave me the deadliest glare I've ever received, but he didn't do anything because you were standing right there. You just laughed at the red stain that was forming on Oli' s white Vans and told him to lighten up. While you weren't looking, Oli whispered harshly, "I'm going to beat you so hard, that your blood will stain your shoes." I just chuckled nervously and ran off.

When I walked by the locker room, I tried to run but Jaime grabbed me and pulled to Oli and the others. They didn't hesitate to start punching and kicking me. I let out silent screams and quiet whimpers so they wouldn't get any rougher, but they went to a new level. Oli moved me so I was laying on my stomach, he yanked down my jeans and boxers without struggle. I was so weak, Vic, I couldn't even find the strength to fight back. I heard the sound of a zipper being pulled down and I yelped out when he slammed into me.

You showed up in the middle of the 'incident' and you almost killed Oli. You scared off all of the others, then carefully redressed me and carried me to your car. Mike was waiting in your car but quickly came up to us and help you lay me in the back. You made Mike drive us, even though he didn't have a license, just so you could sit in the back with me and hold me as I cried. Everything hurt, it felt like I was burning. You let tears fall as I let little screams of agony out when we would hit a bump. I hated that I made you cry, I hated myself for being so weak, I hated myself for affecting you in the ways that I did. That's when I started thinking about harming myself.

After a few months, I became distant from everyone, except you of course. I became clingy, and I could tell that you were getting fed up with me calling you at 3 in the morning just to talk. But the thing was, I called you when I thought about harming myself. I'd call you before I took that blade and run it across my skin, letting the blood pour from the self-inflicted wound. You'd always answer, too, not always happy but you'd answer. I think you knew something was wrong when some nights I'd cry to you, but you thought I had a nightmare or something. Truth was, I didn't sleep, I wouldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep.

One night-or early morning-though, you didn't answer. I started to panic, you always answered when I called, for the last 3 months you would always answer. With how messed up my mind was, I just came to the realization that you were fed up with my annoying self, so I ran to my bathroom and dug through my cabinet and found my release. A blade. A little piece of metal that made me feel so much better, not as good as you would make me feel though, I'd always turn to you before the blade. Not that time though, huh?

I made so many cuts, Vic, I lost count after 30. They went from my wrist, to my forearm, from my knees to my stomach. I let out so much pain, and it felt so Fucking good to release all of it. I held it in for 3 months for you,it was always for you. I guess went a little crazy though, because I was so weak from the blood loss, I was going to faint. I almost missed your call, I could hear my phone ringing in my room. I felt so heavy walking into my room, I felt like I was dragging weights. When I answered the phone you sounded so panicked, but I just chuckled softly and told you my other friend was here to comfort me. After that you went silent, it was almost like you knew what was going on with me."I'll be right there, Kellin, don't move a Fucking muscle." Those words, I know I will never forget those words.

When you got here, I was so far gone. I think I cut too deep, Vic, but you kept trying to keep me awake. I just wanted to sleep, I was so tired and it was the first time I actually wanted to sleep in so long. I closed my eyes but quickly shot them back open when I felt your soft lips kissing my tainted skin. You kissed every single mark, making my whole body tingle. When you finished, you looked me in the eyes and lightly pressed your lips to mine. I swear, fireworks went off and butterflies were in my stomach. You pulled away though, and looked shocked. You went to leave, but I grabbed your wrist and begged you to stay with me. Of course, you stayed, you told me you'd do anything for me.

I slept peacefully for the first time in god knows how long. It didn't last though, all good things have to come to an end, don't they? After that night, I actually wanted to harm myself. It wasn't that voice telling me that I should, it was my voice telling me I should. The release I got when I cut felt so good, Vic. You watched me like a hawk though, you always checked my arms and legs in P.E. after everyone left the locker room. You were making sure I didn't harm myself, and I was happy that you cared but pissed that you wouldn't allow my release.

I was getting fed up, that's why I had an outburst in the locker room that one day. Just like everyday, we'd wait outside the locker room until most people were gone, then we'd go in and get our stuff ready. This time though, I wouldn't change, I told you I was sick of this. I could tell you got pissed. "I'm just trying to help you, Kellin! You have no one else, so why try and leave?!" And just like that you broke me down.

You only helped me because you felt guilty, no one else at school liked me-except Mike. You tried to apologize, but I had enough. I ran from the locker room, I ran until I got home and locked myself in ny room. My parents were never home, they always worked and you knew that. I jumped on my bed and cried, I sobbed loudly into my pillow until I couldn't breathe. I let myself suffocate for ten seconds then pulled up and gasped for breath. That's when an idea came to my mind, the ultimate release. Death.

I had no sharp objects, you took all of those, I could of always taken pills and alcohol but that doesn't always work so I thought of other ways. I could of always hung myself, but I didn't have any good rope. Then the bridge came to my mind, the bridge that looks over the spillway. That would kill me, that would give me the ultimate release.

So here I am, writing this letter for you, my dear Vic. You will not see me at school today, I will be floating down a river by the time you open your locker and find this letter. I really hope you have a good life, marry a gorgeous girl and have beautiful children. I want you to be happy, but I was just holding you back. Please tell Mike that he was a good friend and I will miss him as well.

I just want to tell you one last time that I love you and I always will, I don't care if you feel the same way because it doesn't matter now. Just know that you have made me really happy these past 3 1/2 years, from that first time we bumped in the hall,until we fought in the locker room. I just wish I could of told you that I loved you before this, or at least I could of told you a good bye. But I have to end this letter now, goodbye Victor Fuentes.

Love,

Kellin Quinn