Recycled Memories

Part 1
And I’m running out of options, He thought.
You are
Running and running and running out of places to hide.
I can’t stay, He thought. I can’t stay in this intoxicating state.
But I’m running.
Running and running and running out of places to hide.
And I’m running out of time, He thought.
It’s coming closer.
And I’m running.
Running and Running, but it keeps coming closer.
Closer
Closer
C l o s e r
And It’s coming closer.
And It’s so intoxicating.
This contagion is taking over.
This intrusion is digging deeper.
He was replacing one pain for another, and as pain grew into pleasure, his intoxication took over completely. He let his body relax and he let it happen. He wanted it to be darker. And stronger, He thought.
It was exhilarating until it wasn’t and that’s when he felt nothing. He found himself lying beside someone who wasn’t even a stranger, but a shadow. It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this, He thought.
He grabbed a pack of cigarettes from his nightstand. There were two left. He slipped one out, put the pack back on the night stand and then grabbed his Zippo.
“Do you mind?” He asked.
“It’s your place,” replied The Shadow.
He lit the cigarette and with one inhale, he was transcended.
He felt The Shadow move and try to place a hand on him. Before the The Shadow could make contact, Alex got out of bed. He walked out of the room, leaving the door agape. He took another drag as he walked down the hall, still naked from his escape. The Shadow yelled something from the bed.
“You should leave,” he yelled back.
He opened the freezer and grabbed the vodka. From the fridge, he grabbed a small tumbler that he’d been chilling and filled it half way with vodka. He turned around and put the glass and bottle on the counter top. Then, he picked up the glass and took a sip of the vodka. When the vodka was gone, he walked back to the bedroom. The Shadow was gone.
He remembered that he was almost out of cigarettes. Should I shower before I go out I don’t think I need to shower but I did just have sex so maybe a shower is for the best.
He let steam fill the room before he stepped into the shower. He stared into the mirror and tried desperately to see something of substance, but he failed. When the mirror fogged up, he turned around and stepped into the shower and let the hot water burn his skin until he couldn’t take it anymore. His salty tears mixed with the scorching water before he turned the temperature down. He grabbed the soap and washcloth and rubbed them together. He ran the cloth around his body and he started to scrub. Then, he scrubbed harder. He kept scrubbing harder and harder. His tears started to flow again. His legs couldn’t support him any longer so he sat in the shower. He stopped scrubbing and he started to sob.

He grabbed his keys from the key hook by the front door. He zipped up his hoodie and then opened the door. He was about to walk out, but there was someone about to knock just as he opened the door. It was a young boy. He seemed like he would be just a few years younger than Tyler. He was tall and lean with dark hair and eyes.
“Can I help you?” He asked.
The boy just stared at him.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
The boy was still silent.
“Look, I don’t have all day.”
“Right, sorry. Are you Alex Valdez?”
“Yeah, can I help you with something? I really need to go.”
“Yeah, sorry, I-…” The boy couldn’t find his words. “I’m your brother.”
He thought maybe this day would come, but he didn’t know when. He’d have to hold out for his cigarette run.
“Right, you should come in then.” He said.
He walked the boy into the living room and sat him down on the couch. They sat next to each other. Silence screamed through the house for several minutes before one word was spoken.
“I didn’t catch your name.” He said.
“Shit, sorry…um…My name’s Gabriel. Most people just call me Gabe.”
“Not that I’m not happy to finally meet you, Gabe, but…Is there a reason you’re here?”
“I, um…I just heard my dad—our dad—talking one day. He was talking to my mom. He was talking about his other kids. So, I asked him about it. He didn’t really want to tell me, but my mom convinced him.”
“So, you just wanted to know your family?”
“Yeah…”
“Can I get you something, Gabe?”
“No,” he answered. “I’m okay.”
“Listen, I was just about to go out for some cigarettes. The store is just down the corner if you want to wait here, I’ll be right back.”
“Umm”
He could tell the boy was confused and didn’t want to stay if he wasn’t there. Should I just stay I think I should stay but I really need some more cigarettes I’d feel bad for leaving him here but I really need some more cigarettes but he’s is my brother after all I can’t just ignore his existence. Or can I?
“You just came at a really stressful time in my life. I’m sorry I tried to bail on you. It’s kind of my thing…It’s-it’s what I do.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” he said with a pause. “And I’m out of cigarettes.”
Silence.
“But those can wait,” he said. “Are you hungry?”
“No…”
Silence
“This is awkward. Maybe I shouldn’t have come,” said the boy.
“No,” he said. “This is good. I’ve always been really curious about you.”
“You knew about me?”
“Yes,” I said. “I found out about you when I was about 17 when my mother died.
“I’m-I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Nothing is your fault.”
“So, if you know about me, you know about my sister.”
“Yes, I know about your sister, too.”

I was feeling that urge, that nagging.
Run.
Run away.
“Do you mind if I smoke?”
“Um…No.”
“Are you sure?”
He didn’t sound too positive maybe I shouldn’t smoke maybe I should quit smoking I’m pretty sure it’s bad for you.
“Never mind,” he said. “I don’t have to smoke.”
“You should come see our dad sometimes.”
“I don’t think he would like that.”
“What do you mean? He was just saying how much he misses you.”
“He was?”
“Yeah.”
Part 2
I don’t know what I should do. Is there a template for a situation like this? I usually would just avoid this situation altogether, but it’s kind of hard to ignore a situation that’s sitting right next to me. I need more cigarettes.
He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was the perfect opportunity to avoid eye contact with the boy, so he took his phone out of his pocket and read the text.

From: Lilith
Are you ok??? I haven’t talked
To you in forever. Call me.

To: Lilith
I’m fine.

He put his phone on the table in front of the couch. I never call this table a coffee table I never put coffee on it or drink coffee around it so why should I call it a coffee table…
Maybe I should’ve said more to Ed, but I don’t want to talk to anyone fuck I just can’t handle this bullshit I really need to get more cigarettes.
“Do you dream?” He asked the boy.
“I’m sure I do, but I never remember them.”
“Sometimes I think my dreams ruin me.”
The boy was silent.
“Do you want to come with me to get some cigarettes? I really need to get some more and I just need to get out of this house.”
“Um, sure.”
The boy walked outside with him where Alex’s car was parked in the driveway. They drove in silence, until Alex decided to put on a CD that was already in the player. It was The Weeknd.
“Do you go to school?” He asked.
Oh my god, why am I asking this I sound like an adult I hate when people ask me that question why would I even ask him that.
“I’m in high school. I’m a freshman.”
“You look a lot older.”
“I get that a lot.”
“How did you get here?”
“I took the bus.”
“I can take you back home if you want.”
What?
“I don’t want to trouble you. I can take the bus.”
Let him take the bus. Let him take the bus.
“It’s not any trouble. I can take you.”
“Well…if you’re sure.
Finally they arrived at the cigarette shop that he gets his cigarettes from. They both got down from the car and walked into the shop. He walked up to the counter and the boy walked closely behind him.
“A carton of Red Apples, please.”
The clerk looked back at the boy and then at him. “You’re not buying them for him are you?”
“No,” he said. “They’re for me. This is my brother. He’s just along for the ride. You know me, Gonzalo. I’m here every week for cigarettes.”
The clerk, Gonzalo, glared at the boy and then at him before getting the big carton of cigarettes.
“It smells in here. Can we go?” The boy asked in a whisper.
“Yeah, let’s go,” he said.
“I think dad should be expecting me about now.”
“I’ll take you home.”

“Why didn’t you ever try to get to know me?” The boy asked him while in the car.
He sighed. “That’s a really complicated question, Gabriel.”
“I don’t think it’s complicated at all.”
“You don’t know what my life has been like.”
“But we’re family. Do you spend time with your other brother?”
“Yes, but…”
“But?”
“But that’s different,” he said.
“How?” The boy asked.
“I grew up with him. I think he knows me better than anyone.”
“And I don’t know you.”
“That’s right.”
In between comments, the boy forgot to give directions to his house, but Alex knew the way. The boy thought it was strange, but he explained to the boy that he had been there before and he’d never forgotten.
He felt like he should get down. He felt like he should go and see his father face to face for the first time in years. He didn’t know if he’d have the courage to actually do it, but he felt like he should. He felt like a real man would have the courage to go up to the house and look his father in the eye.
“Are you coming?” The boy asked.
“I don’t know,” he answered.
Alex stared at the house. It seemed pleasant; a good place for his little siblings to grow up. Suddenly he felt a little jealousy. Why did they get to grow up in a nice place? What did he do wrong in the world for his life to turn out the way it did?
“This is really hard for you, isn’t it?” The boy asked.
He looked at the boy’s face. “I haven’t talked to my dad since I was nine years old. And I’ve been on my own ever since.”
“I thought your mother didn’t die until you were older?”
He looked at the boy, reminded of his mother’s funeral; the last time he saw his father.
“It’s complicated.”
“In my experience, things are only complicated because we make them that way.” The boy put his hand on Alex’s shoulder. “I think dad would like to see you. You are his son.”
“Let’s go,” he said.
“Really?” The boy asked.
“Let’s go before I change my mind.”

Step after step he walked slowly up to the typical ranch style house. He walked onto the porch, the wooden stairs beneath him felt like climbing wall. He didn’t feel prepared for this moment.
The boy stuck his key into the door and walked in. He stayed on the porch. The boy turned around to look at him.
“Come on. It’s going to be okay.”
Small steps
Take small steps
Breathe
Just Breathe
I can do this
He took small steps and crossed the doorway. The boy called his dad. The father called, saying he was in his office. The boy took Alex’s wrist and led him to the office.
“There’s someone here to see you, dad.”
The father looked up from his computer. He started for a few seconds and then slowly stood up behind his desk.
“Alex…?”
“H-Hi dad,” he said.
The father walked from behind the desk and slowly walked up to him. The boy stepped aside. The father and the son stared at each other. He was shaking in the father’s presence. He felt the shake from in his gut and it spread through his body and through his fingertips.
“Alex”
The father wrapped his arms around him. He just stayed straight and awkwardly let his father hug him. He didn’t hug back because he was surprised. He didn’t expect for his father to hold him so tightly.
“I’ve missed you so much, hijo.”
“D-Dad?”
The father let the embrace go and looked at him.
“How are you? What are you doing with your life?”
“Dad, is that really what we’re going to talk about?”
“What else would we talk about Alex.”
“Maybe the reason you left us?”
“It just wasn’t working out with me and your mother, Alex. I just couldn’t handle it. I’m sorry that I wasn’t part of your life, but there were a lot of complicated things.”
“That’s not the real reason why you left though.”
“Of course it is. Your mother and I just weren’t good for each other anymore.” He looked over Alex again. He observed a hickey on Alex’s neck. “Do you have a girlfriend?”
He was confused. “No; why would I have a girlfriend?”
“Well, you’re a grown man. You’re handsome. Why wouldn’t you have a girlfriend?”
“I’m gay.”
“O-Oh…Ok.”
“Is that it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Didn’t you know?”
“No, how would I know?”
“Don’t you care?”
“The only thing I care about is your happiness. If you’re happy, then I’m okay with it. You’re my son. I love you no matter what.”