Recycled Memories

When I woke up, I felt heaviness on top of me. I could feel that the air in the room was cold, but I didn’t feel cold. I noticed that the weight and the warmth I was feeling was James. He was still in bed with me. I didn’t really expect to see that. I suspected that he would leave in the middle of the night, slipping out without me knowing. That’s not what he did. He stayed. He stayed with me. Don’t move your arm, I thought, but I couldn’t help it. His head lay on my chest. I brush the back of my hand lightly on his face and as I adjusted my body a bit, I could feel him waking up. He looked up at me and smiled. I was taken aback by his happiness at first, but then I realized that I felt it too. I smiled back and gently kissed him on the nose.
“What time is it?” he asked, tightening his arm’s grip around my waist.
I looked at my wall clock. “It’s almost one pm.”
“Well, we might as well stay in bed the rest of the day, then.” He took his hand and slid it down my stomach.
“I wish I could, but…I’m starving. I need some breakfast.”
“Aww, really?” He held me tighter. “But it’s so warm right here so close to you.”
“I’ll make you warm apple cinnamon pancakes.”
“From scratch?”
“Of course, what do you think this is: McDonald’s?”
He smiled. “That’s really hot.”
“Okay, you just wait here. I’m going to make you some breakfast.”
I kissed him gently again, but this time on the forehead. Climbing out of the bed, I remembered that I was still naked; we both were. I walked through the mess of my room to my dresser. I grabbed some sweats and slipped them on. I could feel James’ eyes watching me as I walked out of the room, leaving my door open. I walked into the bathroom, but I realized that my house was beyond freezing. Stepping back into the hallway, I walked to the thermostat and turned on the heater and then walked to the bathroom to start brushing my teeth. It was really difficult for me to not smile while I was brushing.
I had to put my poker face on, because James walked into the bathroom. He stood behind me, smiled and I smiled back. He put his arms around my waist and held me close to his body. You wouldn’t be able to fit a pin in between us. I just kept brushing, but I leaned my head back on his shoulder and bent his head down to kiss my neck. I rinsed my mouth and turned around. I did notice that he was wearing a pair of my sweats.
“I hope you don’t mind,” he asked me.
“No, I don’t.”
“Do you think I could use your toothbrush?”
“Oh, we have a whole drawer full of unopened tooth brushes,” I answered.
James looked confused. “Huh?”
“Devin has a lot of overnight guests.”
“Oh…damn.”
I reached into the drawer of toothbrushes and grabbed him one. “I can put a cap on it and put away somewhere…Just in case you need it again,” I added with a smirk as I handed him the unopened package.
He smiled back and started to open the toothbrush. I walked out and into the kitchen. Still shirtless, I thought it would be best to put on an apron so I didn’t get any flour on me. Just as I was putting on the apron, James sat at the bar stool on the other side of my kitchen counter. He just smirked at me.
“What?” I asked with a playful tone.
“I don’t know. I guess it’s just odd to me to feel like this with someone I barely know.”
I could feel a knot in my skin. I knew what he was feeling, because I felt it too and it was scary. It was scary because the last time that I felt this, it didn’t end so positively.

Why are you doing this to me?
You? I’m not doing this to you, Alex.
In what way do you think that this doesn’t affect me?
I’m doing this for me. I’m taking my best chance for a good education.
You knew I wouldn’t be able to get into Princeton, but you applied anyway. Plus, you’re following Brian there.
Oh please, don’t make this about Brian. I’m sorry that he could give me what I need in a relationship. I’m sorry that his life isn’t filled with fucked up situations that I can’t deal with anymore.
You promised me. You promised me that out of all of the shit that goes down in my life, you would be the one good thing that was always there. You promised me: Its always gonna be you and me, kid. Remember?

“Alex? Are you okay?”
I turned my head to see James still sitting there in front of me. His brow was low, his eyes were darker, and his lips were curled down.
“Yeah, sorry…I do that sometimes. I’m a daydreamer.” I looked around me and started grabbing mixing bowls. “Anyway, let’s get these pancakes going.”
“Okay, well, I can’t cook anything. Will you teach me?”
“Hmm, okay. Come on over here. Go over to the sink and wash your hands and then come over here and join me.”
He did just that. I listened to him wash his hand. I listened to the water splash into the sink and his hands rubbing together with the soap. The next thing, he was standing next to me with dry hands.
“Okay, so pancake batter is really no different than any other cake batter. You’re going to take two cups of flour and mix it with a couple of tablespoons of baking powder, depending on how fluffy you want them, and you need to a little bit of salt and just a little bit of sugar. You’re going to mix all of that with a fork or a whisk.” I pointed to the cabinet with the pots and pans. “Grab a small pot from in there and melt a little bit of butter.” As he was doing that, I grabbed the whole milk and eggs from fridge. He brought the melted butter to me when it was ready. “Next we’re going to make a well in the middle of these dry ingredients and pour the wet ingredients into it. First we have a cup and a half of milk, an egg, the butter, and just a slight dash of vanilla. Now we mix it all up, not with a whisk, with a spoon. You don’t want to mix it too much or the cakes will be rubbery.”
We set aside the batter to let it aerate and I started on the apples, but I told James to sit back down because I couldn’t give him my secret recipe. As soon as the apples were ready, though, I poured the pancakes onto the griddle that I had heating up. When everything was done, I plated it all up nicely and then sat next to James to eat.
“This is absolutely delicious,” he said with a mouthful of apples.
He had this certain look in his eyes when he looked at me. It was like a look of hope. I wish that I could see what he could see. I wanted to say something, but before I could, my doorbell rang. Damn it. I took my apron off and didn’t really think about the fact that I still had no shirt on before I answered the door. The person on the other end was someone that I never thought that I would ever see again. My throat dropped into my stomach and all of the saliva in my mouth dried up.
“Hi Alex,” said Noah.

Hey…
Hey…
You look amazing.
Thanks, you do too.

“Alex?”
I took a second to answer him.
“What’re you doing here?”
“You’re aunt. She called me. She’s been worried. Can I come in?”
“You came all the way from New Jersey to check on me?”
“I live in San Diego.”
“So, after six years of zero contact whatsoever, you drive all the way from San Diego just to check on me.”
“Alex, I didn’t come all this way for you to just shut me down. I’m not leaving until you let me in. So please, will you let me in?”
I stepped aside so that he could walk in. There’s a hallways that goes from the front door and into the house. He walked down the hallway and into the house. He looked to the left, where the kitchen is.
“Oh…Hi. I’m Noah.”
I was still at the front door. I could barely manage any movement.
“James.”
I finally manage to talk myself into walking down the hall. I knew that James could see the shock on my face when I walked back into the house.
“Alex, you okay?”
“You…you should go,” I managed to say. I could barely look him in the eyes when I said it. I felt ashamed asking him to leave after the night we shared.
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” James asked.
No. “Yes, I’m sure.”
Noah was looking in the kitchen. “Are you eating breakfast?”
“We just woke up.”
“Oh, if he lives here I don’t want him to have to leave because of me.”
“He doesn’t.”
“Oh”
James came back within minutes, fully dressed. “I’ll call you.”
“Okay,” I said.
He walked up to me and kissed me gently on the cheek and disappeared into the hallway and out the front door. It was silent for a little bit between Noah and me. Finally, he spoke up.
“Sorry I didn’t call. I knew that if I did that you would either hang up on me or not let me come over.”
“Well you were right. I don’t want you here. So why are you here?”
“Carrie told me about your friend dying.”
“How did Carrie even have your number?”
“She must’ve looked me up. I’m not hard to find.”
At that moment, I left Noah in the living room area and ran to my room. I hadn’t even thought about having a cigarette for two day and now I couldn’t think about anything other than breathing in that warm tobacco taste. I rustled through all of my things to find a pack of cigarettes. When I finally found one, there were only two left. I picked one out, put it in my mouth, but realized that I had no lighter. I wasn’t about to look through my room for one of those, so I rushed back to the kitchen with the pack in hand and cigarette still in mouth.
“Alex?”
I paid no attention to Noah, went straight for the stove, lit it and then bent down to light my cigarette.
“When did you start smoking?”
I let out a big sigh with a big exhale of smoke that billowed into the air. “I don’t remember,” I answered. I opened a drawer behind me in the counter and took out an ash tray.
“That’s not really good for you,” his tone become for worried than it was before.
“Noah, what is this? Why are you here? What do you want?”
“I’m not here to haunt you. I’m just here to make sure you’re holding up well after what happened to your friend.”
“I’m fine.”
“Carrie said that you didn’t show up to Thanksgiving.”
“Why do you care, Noah? You left me, and if I remember right it was because of my ‘family drama’.”
“I will always care about you, Alex. You may not have been my first in sex, but you were my first love. I may not love you anymore, but I still care about you.”
I took a deep drag of my cigarette and flicked the ash into the ashtray in front of me. I blew a straight stream of smoke. Looking at Noah for the first time in six years, I could see all of the things that I loved about him still in his eyes. At that moment, I could feel myself reverting back to high school feelings, but that’s not where I wanted to be. I can’t let myself go there; not at this point in my life.
“I think you should go, Noah.”
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to stay and catch up.”
“Obviously I mind. I just told you that you should leave.”
“I’m not trying to come in on you and your boyfriend or anything,” he said waving his hands in the air like he was better.
“I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Oh, I thought that-“
“You thought wrong.” Don’t say it. Don’t say it. “I haven’t had a boyfriend since…since you.”
“Oh…”
He looked around the house and I finally finished my cigarette. I put it out in the ash tray, a slight sliver of smoke still swirled its way into the air.
“Maybe it was a mistake for me to come here. I’m gonna go.”
He walked out of the living room and down the hallway towards the front door. I knew that I had asked him to leave, that I was mostly uncomfortable with him there, but as I heard him walking down the hall, I wasn’t sure that if I wanted to let him go. More and more seconds went by and I felt a bigger need to run to him. I fought it, but I wasn’t stable enough to keep fighting. So I ran.
“Wait, Noah!”
He was just walking out of the front door when I got to him. I instinctively wrapped my arms around him. At first I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, but then I felt his arms around my waist. At first they were rather loose, but then they tightened. I squeezed back.