Just for a Moment

I sat at Ally’s side, thinking over the memories we have shared. I remembered the day she came back to campus this year. That huge clothes fight we had and the mess we made. We laughed so much. The day I hopped over the Jamba Juice counter to give her a wet willy as she threw a smoothie on me. Last month when she came into my room screaming, shut the door and screamed some more. When I asked her what was wrong she said that she hates tests. Or the roaring twenties party when we danced to Royals, as Vic recorded us lip syncing to the song. Or that time when Ally insisted on putting make-up on Vic's face and forcing him to take selfies. I laugh to myself remembering when he did the duck face. Then that girls' night in with Naomi and Roxy, when we played truth or dare and Ally got dared to dance in her underwear for sixty seconds. She was so bold about it that we ended up begging her to put her clothes back on. The time the four of us belly danced for the group before throwing well hidden water balloons at them. The nights I would force Ally to study so that she could keep her grades up. The photo shoot Roxy did of Ally and I. The nights after the accident when it was just us up all night, holding hands waiting for our loves to be well enough to see us.

All the double dates that would follow that day. Karaoke, Red Lobster, movie nights, band rehearsals we spent together. Everything we did before I headed off with Kellin to get married and meet the parents. I searched further back, to the fight when I was with Vic. The day I first saw her with Max, the auditions to this place. How the week before we were here, we dreamed about what life here would be like. The fights that drove me crazy, the laughs we would have singing our favorite songs together. The way we would dance when no one else was home but us. I grab her hand and intertwine our fingers, my baby sister. If she only knew how important she is to me, would she still have done it? The heart monitor beeped with her heart beats and her breathing stayed even. The doctors said I found her just in time, that she would make it. Everything would be fine, but how could it, when Ally's choice has changed everything. I couldn't help but wonder: does she even want to wake up? To live?

This is the second time this year I am in the hospital, in this very room. The last time this was Jack’s room and she was sitting next to me. I was holding her hand then too, only she was awake and doing all she could to make Jack laugh. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks and I didn’t even bother and wipe them this time. I just let them fall. I watch her chest rise and fall as the tears keeping falling freely. Oh Ally.

It’s been three days since Ally tried to kill herself and she still hasn’t woken up. She hasn't even shown signs of trying to wake up. No flickering eyes, hand squeezes, deep sighs, nothing. She just lays there perfectly still, looking almost dead. The thought closes up my throat and causes me to check her pulse. Still alive, she is still alive, but the machines already told me that. I have spent three days out of class, just living in this room with her. Kellin delivers my work load and I do it from this room. He also brings me three meals a day and sits with me to make sure that I eat at least a little of them. I know that in fifteen minutes he will be here with dinner, so I leaned closer to Ally and whisper in her ear like I have done since she got here.

“Wake up sleepyhead.” I stroke her hair, “it’s time to go back to your own room and start over. We can leave here if you want.” I was crying more freely now, knowing that I am lying. My life is different now, my life is Kellin. I sigh, “just please, wake up.”

Her eyelids flutter a bit and I feel hope fill my chest. I squeeze her hand and watch her face.

“Ally, please, I need you.” I feel her hand tighten around mine and the hope spreads.

I hear someone clear their throat at the door and I see Jack standing there.

“How is she today?” A deep sadness drowning his normal tone of voice and showing in his eyes.

“I think she is better,” I try to keep my anger towards him out of my voice.

I remind myself that it is not his fault.

“That’s good, can I get some time with her alone?” He hesitates to walk deeper into the room.

I begrudgingly stand up, “of course, you can.” I kiss her cheek, "I will be back baby sister."

I walk into the hallway and close the door behind me. Vic was walking down the hall in the room’s direction, he sees me and smile.

“How are you monkey?” He tries his best to seem upbeat but I can see bags under his eyes from lack of sleep.

“I will be better when Ally is awake.” I stare at the floor.

“Me too,” he leans on the wall next to me.

I feel his hand next mine and I have an urge to grab it, as if that simple thing would undo all the horrid things that took place. As if grabbing his hand will take us back in time and it would be my first year here again and Ally would be happy. Ally wouldn’t be depressed. Ally wouldn’t be in a hospital room with a healing cut. It would all be okay, like I could save her by taking his hand. Then Kellin rounds the corner and I laugh to myself at my dumb thought process. Nothing could make this better, but the only person who could make this all seem bearable was walking towards me with our dinner in his hands. He says hi to Vic and kisses me deeply.

“How’s my favorite girl today?” He pushes my hair back from my face, a soft gentle tone in his voice that he has used more often since Ally's decision.

“A little better since you showed up.” I curl myself into his body, hating that we have to be apart when I need him just to breath normally right now.

“How’s Alan?” He rubs familiar circles on my back.

“She squeezed my hand today, and her eyes fluttered a bit.” I took deep breathes of his scent to calm myself.

“That’s great, we are making progress.” He smiles and wraps his free arm around me. “Let’s go inside to eat and do homework, and to check on Alan of course.”

He pushed open the door and we hear voices right away. I look towards the bed and Ally is sitting up staring at Jack.

“Jack, all I am saying is why did you kiss her?” Ally’s weak voice echoed in the room, Kellin and I froze unnoticed by the door.

“It’s not that simple Als, I got a letter from Max saying he would kill you if I didn’t leave you alone. I had to make it seem more believable. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you and then you go and do this. How could you be so selfish? You are crazy loved and the past three days we have all been driving ourselves insane about this. I haven't slept, or eaten a thing since you have been in the hospital. I can't even play.” Jack sounds defeated as he sits by Ally’s side on the bed. “I love you, you idiot.”

He kisses her lightly on the lips, shakes his head and leaves. He walks right past Kellin and I as if we weren’t standing right there. Vic slips in as Jack closes the door behind himself and when Ally sees him, her entire face lights up.

“My Vic,” she stretches her arms out towards him and he runs to her side. They hug for a few minutes before breaking apart. “I am so sorry I put you through this, Vicky.”

“You better be, jerk.” He kisses her forehead and sits on the chair by her bed. "I have been worried sick about you, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I am pretty sure." She lightly touches his hand.

"Class isn't the same without you, so hurry up and get better so we can goof off again."

Ally laughs lightly, "I will try."

"You better, doctor's order." He sticks his tongue out at her.

She stuck her tongue back at him, I couldn't believe how normal they were acting. It made me feel angry, everything was not normal.

“UMMM!” I shout, “why is everyone acting like I am not right here?”

Ally looks at me, she looks weak and guilty. “I am sorry.”

“That’s not good enough,” I couldn’t help myself with Ally up my anger was roaring through. “How could you?” I was crying, “how dare you try to kill yourself! You have no right and then I am the one to find you. I am the one who spent hours scrubbing your blood off of your floor. A boy, Ally, he is worth you ending your life?”

“Well how would you feel if it was Kellin?” her eyes were pleading me to understand.

“Kellin would never. . .” her eyes stay glued on mine never wavering.

“Let’s not fight,” she begs me.

“Fine but when you are all better and I am beating you up so badly. You are never to do this to me again.” I am trembling with emotion, I feel Kellin grab my hand to steady its shaking.

“I won’t, I promise.” She starts to cry too.

I run to her throwing myself on top of her, not caring if the impact probably hurt. I wrap my arms around her and bury my face in her hair. We just laid there crying. Finally, Kellin grabs Vic so we could have some privacy.

“I love you Ally.” I squeeze her tighter to keep her from leaving me again.

“I love you too, Lizzy.” She squeezes back.