Just for a Moment

Last night was really rough for me. I couldn't sleep. I stayed up all night trying to entertain myself. I was mostly trying to distract myself from the rumors that have been going around. Word on the street is that Jack has a new girlfriend. I honestly don’t believe it, because from what he’s expressed to me, he is far too in love with me to just throw our relationship away. Especially not to throw it away and move on with another girl in the same moment. That doesn't stop the doubt from rolling in though. Although he may say those things, my thoughts and insecurities deceive me. I actually have seen him around with a new girl lately, but not doing couple stuff per se. I guess he is trying to pretend that he’s moved on; to the onlookers at least. He still holds back because of me, right? I hope so. This past month has been hard to deal with. That night that Lizzy slept over was the last time I really talked to her, other than that, I just say hi’s and bye’s from here to there. Occasional breakfast days when she decides to show up we will chat. She’s been eating in a lot lately, to have that ‘breakfast in bed’ feel with Kellin.

The last few Fridays I've been bailing on the group as well. Yesterday was supposed to be a nice hang out day for everyone, but I wasn't up for it. I've been emotionally drained lately. I spend my time sitting quietly in my usual spot at the table, staring at the empty seats that should be occupied with a giggling Lizzy and a sappy Kellin. So I started sitting by myself about a week ago. Well, at least I tried to. Someone would sit with me anyway, not giving me a choice to be alone. I've also lost my appetite, which of course worried Naomi. She’s been kind enough to check up on me from time to time, even though she’s busy with her new boyfriend. When she passes by though, I just put on a show with my best fake smile and a few laughs from here to there. It seems to work, but I could tell that she’s starting to see through me. Yesterday she almost accused me of lying about being okay. She hesitated to say something, but I could see the worry in her eyes.

I finally sit up in bed after hours of endless tossing and turning. I check the time again for about the seventh time this morning, hoping that it was finally day time. To my relief, it is - 8:29 AM. I sigh and comb my fingers through my hair, pushing it out of my face. I had the sudden urge to check Facebook, just to see what Jack was up to. He hasn't really been texting me lately, so my gut told me that he was up to something.

After rubbing my eyes, I grab my phone from the night table and open the app. I scroll down at first, just to like a few statuses and look at what other people were up to. That’s when I notice the picture. It was Jack and the girl kissing on a bench. At that moment my figurative heart cracked as my real heart ached. Are my eyes fooling me or am I actually seeing this? I scroll down a little more to see what I had expected: he changed his relationship status to ‘in a relationship’. We hadn't been announced as single for too long and he already made this new fake relationship official. At least that’s what I thought it was; fake. I guess not. I scroll up and stare at the picture again, taking in every detail and making up any thought that may have been running through their heads at the moment. No matter how much I wanted to tear my attention away from the picture and try to forget about it, it wouldn't happen. I couldn't help but hurt myself some more. I glared at the girl in the picture. I don’t even know her name, or even seen her around to be completely honest. Where the heck did he pick this girl up from?

I turn my attention away from the picture long enough to press my speed dial to call Lizzy. I start to bawl instantly, making the wait for her to talk to me feel like forever. She finally picks up on the last ring all cheery toned, a huge contrast to me.

“Good morning my sister,” she starts, “how are we this morning?”

Horrible actually, thanks for asking.

“Jack has a girlfriend,” I spit out.

Those words strike me as they slip out of my mouth, feeling like a slap to the face.

“He doesn't have a girlfriend; he is just putting on a good show for the onlookers,” she tries to reason with me. I hear her yawn, which irritates me for a second. She continues, “He just wants it to be convincing, not talking to you in public clearly isn't enough. Remember in Max’s last letter where he implied that he knew you guys were still together?”

Her words start to turn into a monotone stream of sounds coming out of my phone. I stared at my trash bin, remembering the letter as if I had just read it a second ago. When I notice a pause on the phone I continue with my agony.

“He has a girlfriend, why else would his profile picture be of him and her kissing?” I take a deep and let it go in hopes to calm my obnoxious sobs, but it was no use. “Jack is moving on for real.”

I waited for any kind of feedback from her, but nothing. I allowed the silence to take over, figuring that she was probably letting that thought sink in. I was too, but it hurt so much. How could he do this to me? He couldn't at least let me know about it before putting the whole thing out there? I shout in anger which seems to grab Lizzy’s attention again.

“Ally, what’s wrong?”

“Everything,” I cry. “What’s the point of all this? I thought Max was amazing and he was everything at one point, he was all I ever wanted. That was a lie, then I move on and here I am again. Heartbroken, betrayed, once again, I have been fooled,” I choke out over my convulsing body.

“Ally, please; Jack is thinking about your safety,” she said in a soft tone. She continued to reassure me that it was all just an act; he was just taking it a little overboard. She told me that she would ask Kellin to talk some sense into him, which made me a bit hopeful, but still upset that it even had to get to this point. “He is trying to be helpful,” she lowered her tone, “in the worst way possible.”

“Please come see me,” I sniffled, “I don’t think I can take this anymore.”

“Let me get dressed and stuff, then I will grab us some breakfast and head to your room.”

“Get dressed?” I question suspiciously.

“I am married, Ally.”

“Gross,” I snort, surprising myself with a slight giggle.

“See you in a bit Ally,” Lizzy says. I could hear the smile in her voice.

“Bye Lizzy, I love you.”

“I love you too, silly girl.”

I press the end button to be confronted with the picture again. Why didn't I close the page before making that phone call? I quickly close it and throw my phone across the room, feeling my eyes water up again. The pain is really starting to set in.

I get up from bed and drag my feet over to the bathroom. I examine myself in the mirror, jumping for a moment at how different I look. My eyes are way more than just puffed up, and they don’t really have that sparkle that they usually do; they just look bland, and hurt. That’s it.

“I can’t take this anymore,” I whisper to myself.

I look around the bathroom for any kind of tool that would ease my pain. I thought that there was nothing here before I spotted the cabinet under the sink. I squat and fling the little doors open, hoping to find something. I frantically search when my eyes land on my pack of razors. Of course! I grab the pack and tear it open, pulling one out and letting the rest drop to the floor. I slowly slip the cover off, inspecting the little purple instrument. Something that never seemed so important before looked so beautiful at the moment. The way the bright mirror lights danced off of the sleek silver panels just made me feel so content. I get up and balance myself before turning the light off. I was about to walk out when I noticed something catching light on the countertop. I step back a little to find my necklace, the one that Jack had given to me over a month ago. I picked it up with my free hand and stared at it. What a contrast these two made for each other. The little chrome necklace that made it all worthwhile now stared me back in the eye and stirred up feelings of hate.

I step out of the bathroom and walk over to my trash bin. I try breaking the handle off of the razor as best as I can so it could only be the blade left. As the broken pieces of plastic fall into the bin I spot the unopened pregnancy test that Naomi had left here the other day. She ran in here with panic on her face, worried that her night out with Reggie a week ago had gone a little too far. Then my eyes slide over to the last few letters that Max had sent me. I felt too weak and upset by the time I finished them to rip them up.

I looked my left arm up and down, anticipating where to start. I had never done this before, but I know that if I go down vertically, it would make a big impact. I learned from people like Lizzy that horizontal cuts aren't exactly to end things; it’s just to ease the pain that you feel at the moment. I don’t know how she managed to deal with all the stuff in her life. I feel bad for the girl. I purse my lips and slowly run the razor down my arm, watching the blood greet me from the slash and slide off the side of my arm. I drop the razor in the bin and stare at it atop of the other things that had changed my life.

I picked my phone up before returning to the front of my night table, and then sat down cross legged in that spot. I started to feel dizzy, but I had expected it. When I look down at my arm again is when I really feel the sting of the fresh cut. I look down at my phone and press the lock button to light it up. My eyes tear up again as I rub my thumb across the screen. My background flashes to a picture of me and Lizzy laughing in front of the main building of MJ Academy; it was a week before we started classes last year. Things have changed rapidly. It was just the two of us through everything. Then that big fight we had last year really opened my eyes to all that crap I put her through, my poor sister. I’m glad that things have gotten better since then, actually way better than it was before we started coming to this school. She’s married now, so she has a whole new life to look forward to; one where I’m not as much as a focal point as I used to be. It kind of makes me resent Kellin in a way, taking my big sister from me. Then again, she allows him to take all her attention. She isn't there when I need her most.

I crash over to my side, laying in fetal position and look up to the necklace one more time before my vision starts to blur and darken. I hope that by the time Lizzy gets here it’s not too late to say goodbye, or at least to say sorry.