Dead of Winter

Brian took the coffee pot from the stand and poured himself a cup. He added the sugar and his creamer and took a sip, leaning against the island.

He could see her as she sat in the living room, in the window seat, with her legs crossed as she looked out the window while the snow fell. She was wearing her favorite sweater, the one she could never wear in southern California, with a pair of leggings and thick wool socks. He smiled, shaking his head and moved around the kitchen, finishing up the cleaning for everyone that was supposed to be there.

Brian and his band had taken time off from their schedule so they could spend a few days in seclusion in the Colorado Mountains in the cabin her parents had owned, before heading back to California to spend Christmas with their families. The cabin felt more like home to him than California did, but his life wasn’t in Colorado. They only made the journey around Christmastime which was the reason for Brian’s disdain. Brian had come to…not hate, but extremely dislike the time around Christmas, but he put on his poker face and sucked it up.

Making sure all the food was going to be okay, he jogged upstairs to shower and get ready for the arrival of everyone else. When he got out of the bathroom, she was across the room from him…sitting in front of the vanity, putting on her makeup. Her robe was hanging off of one shoulder and her blonde hair was piled up on top of her head.

He smiled lovingly in her direction and set about getting dressed. He pulled on a pair of dark-washed jeans and a plain black long-sleeved thermal shirt. Rubbing the towel vigorously over his head, he walked back to the bathroom to squeeze some gel into his hands. Finishing the style, he dried his hands on a spare towel and made his way back into the bedroom. She was already gone.

Lighting a cigarette on his way down the stairs, he looked around for her, but he didn’t see her. Making his way back into the kitchen, he felt thought he felt a slight breeze. Looking out the back double doors, he could see her beyond the deck, her hands raised in the air, spinning around, her scarf out in front of her in the pace of the twirling. Smiling, he remained there for a few minutes, his eyes trained on her until she disappeared.

A knock shook him out of his trance and he took another drag of the cigarette before resting it in the ashtray and making his way to the door. Jimmy and Leana stood on the other side, snow dusting the tops of their heads and shoulders. He smiled broadly and moved out of the way to allow them to come inside. Taking their jackets, he immediately hugged them both, allowing them to chatter excitedly about the drive from the airport.

“We were the lucky ones who didn’t get stuck with trying to find a rental car. I told those assholes to book a car early,” Leana said, shaking her head.

“They’ll learn one day,” Jimmy said, kissing the top of her head. “I’m fucking starving.”

“Shit’s cookin’,” Brian said as they made their way into the kitchen. Leana left in the direction of the living room. “Beer?”

“Hell yeah,” Jimmy said.

He watched as Brian pulled out a beer, rip the top off and slide it to him before he opened his mouth to speak. Brian lifted the cigarette back to his mouth.

“How you holdin’ up?”

“I’m good,” Brian said, nodding. “I’ve been doing real well, Jim. How are you guys?”

“We’re good, but you know that’s not what I’m talking about, Brian.”

Brian opened his mouth, but there was another knock on the door. He looked at Jimmy for a few seconds before moving to open the door.

“Daddy!”

Brian crouched down to open his arms to the white-haired girl that ran into them. Wrapping his arms around her, he stood up and could barely contain the emotion that flooded through him. True, she’d only been away for him for a couple of days but it felt like a lot longer than that.

“Hi, princess,” he said, swaying with her. “Did you have fun with Uncle Matt and Aunt Val?”

“So much fun, Daddy!”

Keeping his hold on her, he turned to give Matt, Val, Johnny and Lacey a hug.

“Zacky and Gena are grabbing their things from the trunk. We figured we could wait,” Val said as an explanation as to where the other guitarist was.

“Well, get in here; there’s beer and stuff in the kitchen. Fire’s on in the living room.”

“I missed you, Daddy,” the little girl whispered into his ear.

“I missed you too, Chloe. I’m so glad to see you.”

“I drew Mommy a picture; do you think she’ll like it?”

“I think she’ll love it,” he whispered back, a faint smile on his face.

“Yo, do you want us to start cooking?” Matt asked, coming into the front hall. “Jimmy’s about to blow his top if he doesn’t get food in him like right now.”

Brian looked past Matt to see Jimmy in the kitchen doing some weird motion there. Beside him, her blonde head was shaking, and her hand covered her mouth in laughter. He smiled himself and set Chloe down on the floor to help her take her coat off. Once she was free, the four year old took off towards the kitchen.

“I’ll be in there in a minute and we can get started,” Brian said and stood up.

Grabbing the small suitcase with the unicorn on it and the jacket he’d just taken off of Chloe, he carried them upstairs to his room until everyone got settled. Putting them on the floor beside the bed, he sat down with a sigh. Placing his head in his hands, he took a few minutes to himself. When he lifted his head, she was there, leaning against the door. She didn’t say anything and he knew it was out of respect for him. He adored her all the more for the silence.

“I love you,” he breathed out.

Uncrossing her arms, she bit her lip and held out a hand to him. Nodding slowly, he sighed and stood up, following her out of the room and back downstairs where the noise level rose again.
He smiled as he looked around at all of his friends around him and knew that he was blessed…it just felt like something was missing. His eyes scanned the connected living room and kitchen and found her back in the window seat, this time facing the group on the couch. Chloe was in front of her, her back against the wall and he gave a slow smile.

“Let’s eat, asshole!”



Brian put the final dishes into the dishwasher and closed it before he started it up. He pushed up the sleeves of his shirt and walked into the living room. A movie was playing on the television and Zacky was snoring from the large recliner chair and Gena and Val were taking a video, trying not to giggle.

Chloe was sitting on Leana’s lap, a book in front of them. Leana’s eyes found his and he gave a small smile. Leana said something to Chloe and they closed the book. By the window, he caught her eye and she smiled at him. Chloe ran up the stairs to get her boots and put on her jacket. Brian moved to the front door, followed quickly by Lacey and they both put on their jackets and scarves. Brian pulled his Dr. Martens on his feet and the beanie onto his head and turned around at the sound of Chloe’s feet hitting the bottom step.

Pulling her up into his arms, he turned to head towards the kitchen. She was standing by the double doors, waving him on. He nodded his head and followed behind her into the darkness.
Snow flurried around them as he held Leana’s hand. Chloe buried her face into his neck and he blinked away the falling snow flakes. He felt Chloe’s hand shift on his back but he kept his eyes on the dancing figure in front of him. She twirled around, her hair coming free of the black ribbon. Her sweater billowed around her and in the second she faced him, he saw the smile on her face.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” he whispered furiously to Leana.

“You can,” she whispered back. “It’s going to be okay.”

They walked in silence for a while until they came to the giant tree. Brian sighed and veered to the left, the snow crunching beneath his boots.

“It’s cold, Daddy,” Chloe mumbled into his neck.

“I know, baby,” he said, holding her a bit tighter. “We’re almost there.”

In front of him, she had disappeared and behind him, Leana slowed down so she was a bit further behind. He weaved his way through the trees until he came to the clearing. The wrought iron gate had snow piled on top of it and he caught a flash of blonde disappearing into the small enclosed area.

He sighed, his hand on the gate of the fence. Hesitating for the briefest of seconds, he pushed the gate open and walked inside. The silence of the night made his ears throb and his throat constricted as he drew closer. The temperature felt as if it dropped another ten degrees and the snow had picked up but in the back of his mind, Brian knew nothing had changed.

Closing in on the stone, he placed Chloe on the ground. She whirled around and ran to the stone, unfolding the picture.

“Hi, Mommy. I miss you. I drew you a picture,” Chloe said, leaning down and placing the picture against the headstone. “It’s of you and me and Daddy. He misses you so much.”

The tears fell freely from Brian’s brown orbs as he watched his daughter speak to the gravestone. He felt Leana come to stand beside him and he sniffed.

“I see her,” he whispered, his breath pooling around him. “I see her all the fucking time.”

“Brian…”

“No, you don’t understand. She was there today. I see her everywhere. I don’t know how I can do this. What if I’m going insane, Leana?”

“You’re not,” she whispered, holding onto his arm. “You just miss her. We all do, Brian. It’s hard, I know, but you are doing an amazing job with Chloe.”

“Sometimes I wonder,” he said, and rubbing his sleeve across his nose.

“Daddy, why are you crying?”

Brian opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Leana leaned down and picked Chloe up. Silently he sent her a thank you as he moved forward. Crouching down in front of the headstone, he let his fingers run over the rough lettering that was wet with snow.

Cara Jane Haner

Loving mother, wife, and best friend.

1982-2008

Blinking away the tears that fell, Brian’s eyes looked beyond the gravestone. Her blonde hair had come free of the black ribbon completely and fell in waves over her shoulders and down her back. The smile on her face was blinding as she twirled in the snow. She stopped for a second, her tongue out, catching snowflakes before she fell backwards, disappearing from his vision.

In the dead of winter, Brian dropped his head to his left hand, his right one resting on her name, and he cried.