Minnesota Girl

It’s safe to say that I would take the guilt over whatever the hell I felt at the moment. I had fucked up in the worst way possible. Billie Joe went back to his place, saying that he needed a little time to think; which terrified me. This wasn’t what I wanted at all. All I wanted to do was put my mind at ease and believe every word he said. He was so distant when he told me he was leaving that he could barely look at me. His eyes were full of the pain that I had caused and it was killing me. I had to go to work in a few hours, but that was the last place I wanted to go. I wasn’t in the mood to be friendly and I certainly didn’t want to face Ollie. I didn’t want to think about Billie Joe right now and that’s kind of hard when his sweet mother is just mere inches away from you. I let out a deep sigh as I sat up, ready to do the inevitable and put my work uniform on when I heard a knock on my door. I looked up just as Sheena peeked inside.

“Oh, so you are awake.” She mused as she took a seat in my desk chair, hinting that she was intending to stay awhile and that getting dressed would not be an option for me right at this moment. I had avoided the topic of Billie Joe since he left and was planning to keep it that way. Unfortunately for me, it looked like Sheena wasn’t having that. “I was hoping I’d be able to catch you before you fled to your newly adopted ‘hide out’ that up until recent events, you would have rather eaten cat food than attend.” I frowned at her words even though she spoke nothing but the truth. “So, if you would so kindly leave out the bullshit excuses as to why you’re actually fine and how nothing’s wrong, I’d like to know what exactly happened and why it made Billie Joe want to go back to his shitty apartment.” She lectured, barely taking a breath before adding, “You and I both know he loved it here.” She finished as she leaned back in the chair and smiled; knowing that she had me cornered. I rolled my eyes and sank further into my bed.

“Heineken. That’s all I’m saying.” I commented as her eyebrows raised in surprise. I just wanted to smack the smirk right off her face.

“ You drank all the Heineken!? Sadie Grace Keaton drank more than half a beer!? It was brand new, I totally thought Billie Joe had finished the whole pack himself! Fucking hell!” She exclaimed. I looked down at my hands in desperation and chewed on my lip.

“He had two…” I pointed out. Sheena snorted.

“Oh, well, I’m so glad he left the other four for you!” She cackled as she held her stomach in laughter.

“Shut up.” I grumbled. This was a prime example as to why I had avoided this whole conversation. I felt humiliated by my actions and didn’t really want anyone to ever know what I had done, especially Sheena.

“Damn Sadie, I didn’t think you had it in you to drink over one beer, let alone four!” She stated as her laughter was finally dying down. I rolled my eyes.

“Well, I’ve got the scar to prove it.” I said while pointing to my recent head wound. It hadn’t left that big of a mark, but it was still tender as hell. Sheena shook her head in disbelief. “After that, well, my damn mouth just wouldn’t stay shut.”

Sheena bit on her lip ring before smirking in my direction. “So, if what I’m hearing is correct, you got shit faced drunk for probably the only time in your life…took a knarly fall and hit your head…and let your drunk brain fuck you in the ass?” I winced at her crude choice of words.

“Well, if ya wanna be rude about it, yeah.” I answered while swishing Tux’s tail back and forth as he lay in a ball beside me. Sheena shook her head.

“What the hell did you say to him? Mike told me he’s never seen him look so wounded in his life. He’s usually resilient to things like this.” My stomach turned in knots at her last statement. Had I ruined him? I closed my eyes and sighed.

“I was doing fine until I hit my head. Well, not great but I hadn’t said anything too stupid yet.” I started. This was hard. I was reliving it all over again. “He was being really sweet and making sure that I was okay and before I knew it, I had asked him if he really liked me and told him had he chosen Bambi that he’d be getting more out of it. God, I even asked him if it was all an act.” I said bewildered at my own actions. Sheena stared at me blankly, mouth open in awe.

“You asked him if it was an act and told him he should have chosen a whore over you!? Sadie, that is a recipe for a complete disaster!” She exclaimed. I nodded in shame as she stood and paced my bedroom floor. “Do the words, ‘break it to him gently’ mean nothing to you? You might as well have just ripped his heart out right there! It would have been less painful.” I hid my face in my pillow and groaned.

“You are making me feel so much better, please continue.” I replied sarcastically. She ignored my comment ad he continued rambling.

“Have you even talked to him? Granted, it's only been two days, but still.” She asked as she plopped down onto my bed, stirring Tux awake in the rudest way possible.

“I tried calling him yesterday, but Tré said he wasn’t home. Whether or not he was telling the truth, I don’t know.” I admitted while picking at some lint stuck to my shirt. Tré hadn’t sounded very convincing on the phone, and I could have sworn that I’d heard a guitar strumming in the background. He wasn’t fooling me with that lame excuse, I knew he was there.

“He’ll come around. Believe me, someone who is as smitten with you as Billie Joe Armstrong is won’t just disappear.” She promised me. I smiled, her words were encouraging, but did little to curb my anxiety.

~***~
2 weeks later
It was slow today, a rarity for Rod’s Hickory Pit. It was a little gloomy outside, which might have added to it, but the occasional regular would stop by every so often, other than that it had been quite sluggish. Today marked two weeks since I had last spoken to Billie Joe and my anxiety was sky. I was sitting on a bar stool waiting for Pete to come back from his smoke break, doodling nonsense on my notepad when the bell dinged from the entrance signaling that someone had walked inside. It was almost closing time and I expected a truck driver or two to stop by like every other night. It was a cycle that never ended. Just as I glanced up, my eyes widened and I nearly choked on the wad of gum I’d been chewing for over two hours. There stood Billie Joe in his Husker Du t-shirt hidden by a black jacket. His hair was damp from the recent down pour outside and it dripped from his hair onto the floor. He shoved his hands in his pockets before meeting my awe struck gaze.

“Hey.” He said quietly, a very small smile forming across his lips. He looked tired and worn out, almost as if he hadn’t slept in days. It pained me to know that was a possibility. I glanced around the near empty room and walked from behind the bar over to him. What was he doing here? Why hadn’t he returned my calls? Why all of a sudden did I feel the need to engulf him in the biggest hug of his life?

“What are you doing here?” Was all I could ask, having not seen him in weeks it surprised me to see him standing in front of me. He hadn’t said a damn word to me even after my numerous phone calls, I didn’t know whether to feel happy or pissed off to see his beautiful face in front of me. He pushed his dripping hair back slightly and sat down on one of the stools in front of the bar.

“I wanna talk to you.” He answered while looking up at me. He didn’t look angry, which I was thankful for, but at the same time I couldn’t really read his expression. It bothered me.

“You could’ve called me.” I said softly. I would have preferred a phone call over this awkwardness any day. Billie Joe fiddled with his nose ring before shaking his head.

“What I’ve got to say needs to be said in person.” He said lowly. Instantly, I felt nervous. Everyone knows that if it’s something you can’t say over the phone, it can’t be that great of a conversation. I looked over at the clock on the wall above the bar and sighed, there was no way to escape it now. The times I had called him, I felt prepared to discuss what had happened, but now that he was in front of me, I wasn’t so sure I was ready. He grabbed my hand and started to pull me towards the exit door.

“Where are we going?” I asked as the humid, wet air practically smacked me in the face. I still had at least ten minutes left on the clock until my shift was over. I got my answer as we approached his car and he let go of my hand.

“Does it matter?” He asked as we both climbed inside.

“Kinda, I need to clock out.” I mumbled. Billie Joe shook his head.

“Pete will do it, don’t worry about that right now.” He told me, only adding to my anxiety. My stomach was in knots when we started moving. What do I say to him? What’s he going to say to me? Do I just start apologizing? So many questions ran through my mind as he drove, not even bothering to make small talk like he had so many times before. Is it bad that I still wanted him to kiss me? Letting me know that he didn’t hate me? I felt selfish for even feeling this way. It was my fault that this whole thing had gone to shit, not his. He should hate me. My thoughts were brought to a halt as the car slowed and was pulled to the side of the road. We were just a few miles away from where we started and hadn’t been going for more than twenty minutes, I was puzzled as to why he had stopped here. We both sat in deafening silence for more than a minute before I finally got up the courage to speak.

“Billie Joe, I’m so sorry…” I began before he held up his hand in a silent request for me to stop.

“Let me say what I need to first, you owe me that.” He said quietly. I gulped and bit my lip, I had never heard him speak so quietly before. I had missed is voice, which is something I never thought I‘d say. His hand ran along the steering wheel and gathered his thoughts before he finally looked over at me. “I’m going to start by telling you that I don’t hate you, despite what you might think.” He began. I tensed at the word hate. I couldn’t think of a reason he shouldn’t. “I’m not mad and I’m not bitter…I’m hurt. ” He confessed, his words hitting me like a ton of bricks. “I’m hurt that you felt the need to lie to my face instead of fucking talking to me like an adult.” He said, his voice rising. “I’m hurt that the only solution you had was to get shit-faced and catch me completely off guard and I’m hurt that you actually think I care more about getting my fucking dick wet than you. That bothers me, Sadie.” He emphasized. The pain was evident in his voice and all I could do was stare. “I didn’t fucking choose you over Bambi either, it was never a competition. I wanted you regardless.” He spat, his eyes never leaving mine as he spoke. To say he’s not mad, he sure did look the part. I stared down at my hands, unable to take his icy stare any longer.

“I didn’t know how to fucking tell you, I’m sorry. I never meant for it to happen the way it did.” I spoke in a voice I almost didn’t recognize.

“You should have talked to me. You should have respected me enough to talk to me instead of hiding it for God knows how long.” He muttered. I raised my head up to look at him.

“I do respect you! How could you say that?” I questioned, not caring that I was half shouting.

“Well, you clearly didn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth.” He pointed out. “The real truth.” He added in a whisper. I had never seen him look or sound more vulnerable in the entire time I’ve known him. Had I ruined him? He sighed deeply before reaching out and squeezing my hand, sending what felt like a lightening bolt through me. “I like you, Sadie. I really do.” He began. “I could probably even love you.” He proposed, making my heart rate increase. His thumb traced my knuckles before he looked up at me. “But I can’t if you won’t let me.” He said softly, breaking my heart in two.

“What do you mean?” I inquired, trying to not look and sound like I had just witnessed the shooting of an animal. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and slumped a little further in his seat.

“You have this wall up, Sadie.” He said while looking out at the road ahead. “That even after months of dating you I couldn’t break through. It was obvious even before this. The way you would shy away from me or the way you would hesitate to kiss me. It was all there in black and white.” He stated, making me feel even worse.

“I’m sorry.” I repeated for what felt like the thousandth time. It’s all I knew to say. I was just truly sorry. Billie Joe nodded his head, but still he didn’t look at me.

“I know you are.” He replied. “And I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that I rushed you into something you clearly weren’t ready for.” He said as he ran his fingers through his hair wearily. He hesitated a moment before chewing on his lip. “I think we need a break, Sadie.” He said, confirming my worst nightmare as it came to fruition. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

“Are you sure?” I whispered, unable to raise my voice any higher out of fear it would break.

“I need a break.” He clarified. I blinked furiously as I tried to keep my composure. I surprised myself by the tears I could feel in my eyes. I wasn’t one to cry over something like a ‘break,’ but for some reason it sounded so definite coming from him. I could tell by the way he refused to look at me that he had this planned before I even laid eyes on him in the restaurant. He’d had a good two weeks to think this over and a part of me wondered if it even had taken that long. I screwed my eyes shut and tried to breathe evenly.

“Take me back to work, please.” I begged. I was close to tears I pretended hadn’t already formed in my eyes. Billie Joe touched my knee, but I didn’t dare open my eyes.

“Sadie, please-" He started. I shook my head, I needed to get out of this car.

“Billie Joe, now.” I whispered. I really didn’t know how much longer I could hold on before turning into a complete blubbering mess. We were quiet for a moment until I finally heard the sound of the engine starting. I’d never felt such relief.

~***~

The parking lot was empty when we arrived with the exception of my car, not that I was surprised, we had closed an hour ago. I confirmed that this was indeed the longest car ride of my life and that I had never regretted a decision so much in my life as I did right now. I shifted my gaze from my feet to the windshield, multiple times before finally unbuckling my seatbelt. Part of me was itching to get away from him and go cry in the peaceful silence that was in my car, and another part of me didn’t even want to attempt to walk away. I was about to reach for the door handle when he reached out and held my hand gently.

“Whatever it is that’s holding you back,” He began, as if he was trying to soften the blow that had already hurt my heart. “It’s keeping you from letting me in.” He said softly, hesitating before looking at me. “And I’m not willing to put myself through that kind of pain.” He admitted, causing the tears I had successfully pushed away to return. My eyes flooded as my emotions would soon get the best of me. “You mean a lot to me, whether or not you choose to believe me is fine, but I do care about you.” He promised. I tried to ignore the lump in my throat as it grew in size. This was by far the hardest thing I had ever done.

“I never, ever meant to hurt you.” I croaked as I tried to remember what I had planned to say all along . “It was selfish of me to lie to you for the sake of my own feelings. You deserve better than that…because you are better than that.” I stated as I removed my hand from his. I bit down on my lip so hard I thought it might bleed. No amount of words could ever describe the remorse I was feeling. It was as if the new part of me, I was just now discovering with him had died right along with this crumbling relationship that had barely even begun. “I fucked up.” I whispered, no longer able to bear the sting of tears in my eye as I opened the passenger door and stepped out. The warm air hit my face just as my tears were close to spilling. As I closed the door, Billie Joe started to try to stop me, but I turned and walked toward my car. I felt the first of many tears roll down my cheeks as my walk transitioned from a sprint to a full on run. I was breaking down whether I wanted to or not. I didn’t stop until I was safely in my car where I could finally let out every ache and pain I felt. Maybe I was feeling sorry for myself, or possibly giving in to the deep feelings I now knew I had for Billie Joe, but I couldn’t help but sob over the mess I had made. I had never liked crying over boys, it always seemed so foolish and unnecessarily dramatic. Now I understood why Scarlett wept on her staircase for Rhett in the final scene of “Gone With the Wind,” nothing hurts worse than realizing the truth when it’s already too late. He was telling the truth all along, but I was just too stupid and consumed with my own fears to see it. I wiped my now mascara tracked cheeks with my hand and breathed in and out slowly. My eyes wandered in the direction of his car as it finally exited the parking lot. There was a mixture of pain and relief as he left and I prayed that wasn’t the last time I’d see him. I sat in silence for almost ten minutes replaying our conversation in my head after that. It didn’t seem real and I wished that it wasn’t. If someone had asked me four months ago what annoyed me most about Billie Joe Armstrong, I would have told them it was that God-awful nickname he gave me in that damn basement. It annoyed me to my core every time he used it. Right now, though, I’d give anything to hear him call me, “Minnesota Girl.”