Blind Ambition

Over the next few weeks I had gradually become more and more familiar with the layout and routine at school.

Also, I had gotten friendly with way more people than I had expected. This side of things was all thanks to Michelle and Gavin. Michelle and I had become even closer but sadly I was too scared to ask her out so far. We did have lunch regularly and met up on the corridors, grounds and sports pitches as much as we could.

Gavin had introduced me to more friends than I could count, but the closest two were Rhys and Matthew. Matthew was even more shy then Gavin had ever been. I found it a bit difficult to get friendly with him but as we all did music together our bond slowly formed. It quickly transpired that Rhys was able to play bass and both Gavin and Matthew could play guitar.
Soon enough we began to write songs together. I had already written one for Michelle, but again, I was too scared to sing it to her. I did however show it to Gavin and I thought he’d had a heart attack after reading it!
Fortunately it turned out that he was just in shock and awe and couldn’t wait to put chords together for it.
I had titled it “It’s High Tide, Baby!” and Gavin loved the name. We had decided to perform it at the annual Christmas Talent Show after we had composed it from a music point of view.
I couldn’t wait to perform it yet every time I thought about doing so I got instantly nervous.

I felt Michelle was way out of my league and I was full sure she could have any boy she wanted so why would she choose me?

However, as rosy as things were in school, my personal life outside of that time was getting increasingly harder. My new routine was affecting my brother, as before I changed schools I had been caring for him 24/7. He had to go to a day centre every morning since I started and it had become a daily battle to get him to go. By mid November it had gotten so bad that it was like a war zone in our house. Every day I got him up, dressed, fed and then waited with him until the centre’s transport service arrived. The routine was mostly fine until the transport service bus arrived. Then he’d kick off, screaming for me to stay and not letting anyone near him. Today’s episode had been the worst so far. He had lashed out at me, blamed me for everything and said things I can’t bring myself to repeat.
I left him screaming and fighting with one of the assistance personnel as I had made the costly mistake of going along on the ride to the centre in an effort to calm him down.
He has ADHD, which is normally manageable on its own, but at the moment he’s struggling with it as he’s wheelchair bound for a while. He had a motorcycle crash and since it, the frustration of not being able to do things has meant he can’t do anything but take it out on me. I know he doesn’t mean it but it has in turn caused separation anxiety on top of it all because I’m caring for him during the free time after school, throughout the nights and weekends, while my parents work.

The ride to the centre had resulted in me being late for school and feeling so, so, so unbelievably guilty. I never imagined anything as worse as these few moments in time. Jay’s defiant screaming was haunting me with every step I took to get to school. I was by now in such a state that I could barely walk by the time I reached the grounds.

I collapsed at the oak tree that Michelle and I sit and cuddle under. I wished more than anything in the world that Michelle would appear and cuddle me right now. However I knew that wasn’t going to happen as she along with all my friends were currently in assembly, or so I thought. I tried to contain my overloud crying as best I could but I ended up being at least twice as loud.

To be honest I didn’t even care if anyone heard me right now. All I wanted was to either cuddle Michelle or undo the hurt I had caused Jay. As I continued crying, I began to hear a voice getting increasingly loud and threatening. I looked up towards the entrance, having had my head buried in my knees. Immediately I saw Brian, the boy who had tried to hurt me a few months back. I had managed to avoid him up until now. I squinted at him as he came around the corner of the entrance building and I noticed he was holding onto someone else’s arm.
“Do NOT go away from me this lunchtime.” He shouted and I heard a whimper. A whimper that came from a voice I recognized immediately: Michelle. Instantly I sprang up like a cheetah, wiping tears from around my eyes as I ran up towards where they were. Michelle’s eyes were huge and pleading but softened a bit when she noticed I was coming behind Brian’s back. It was clear as day to me that he was holding her wrist too tightly as I watched her struggle against him. I couldn’t stand this. Boys who hurt girls was one of my biggest pet peeves. If I ever saw anything like this, I joined in, disregarding all the risks in one single bat of an eyelid. Anger rose in every inch of me as I ran.

“Let her go!” I screamed. He spun around, causing her to whimper again.
“Let her go, or else.” I snarled. Brian couldn’t find his voice fast enough and I sprang right up and twisted his free arm at an angle behind his back. I didn’t care. I twisted it around until he began to scream in pain.
“Let. Her. Go.” I demanded savagely. He screamed a 'no' and I twisted it one last time. An audible snap met all our ears and Brian let Michele go while he let out an ear splitting scream again. Michelle looked at me with tears forming rapidly as she held her wrist. Brian started trying to kick me and I screamed the lyrics of Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, at him as a form of torture. Michelle melted and nodded out of his line of vision as I did.
Finally I let Brian go but not before I had shoved him hard and into the path of a slight embankment. He lost his balance as soon as he was cut loose and ended up falling down it.

I took a few deep breaths then cuddled Michelle close. It took a few minutes for us to both calm down but when we did she thanked me relentlessly even though I told her not to do so.

I lead her to the oak tree and we both sat down, cuddling more. It was then she began to ask questions as apparently I had dried tears on my face and she had noticed the scratches on my hands and cheeks. I managed to avoid the questions and got her laughing. Although we laughed I could tell she still was in shock over what had happened with Brian so I decided to cheer us both up. I reached into my pocket and took out a piece of crumpled up paper. Michelle eyed me suspiciously but when I began to sing she relaxed her expression and after about two lines of lyrics in, her eyes had already glazed over. I hand sung Amazed by LoneStar and by the time I finished singing she was smiling through a river of tears.
As I let the last word and note linger she nuzzled her head against my neck and whispered the four words I thought I would never ever hear in my life;

“I love you, Sean.”

***

“I love you too, Michelle.” I replied breathlessly. She gave me another heartwarming smile and I returned it, feeling on top of the world. Next thing I knew, Michelle had brought her face up to just within inches of mine. It was then we shared our first kiss. I was shocked by the suddenness but it was amazing and I was beyond happy. The kiss was soft yet intense. We broke apart softy for a few seconds to regain our breaths but then kissed again. This time it was almost like a craving. I stroked her sides and she slowly wrapped her arms around my neck gently. We kept it going for what seemed like hours. When we finally broke apart, we gazed into each other’s eyes. We were both in our own joint, amazing world. I smiled wide and she retuned it yet again. Our silence was all we needed. Michelle rested her head back on my chest several minutes after the kiss and I stroked her hair.
I looked down and saw the mark on her hand from where Brian had held her. My heart lunged a bit and Michelle raised her head slightly. Our eyes met and I opened my mouth discreetly, trying to find a suitable way to broach the subject.
“How is your hand?” I asked softly. Michelle gave a little shrug as if to say ‘I don’t know’. A lump formed in my throat at this.
“I-I’m so sorry Michelle. I should have been there to st-“ I stated shakily but she placed a finger over my mouth, stopping me mid sentence.
She shook her head softly before replying.
“You don’t need to be.”
“B-But.”
“Sean.” Michelle said softly but yet with a tiny hint of sternness.
“You don’t need to be. I’m just so glad you came and helped me. W-Without you I wouldn’t have gotten away so lightly and it could have been a lot worse for both of us.” She concluded softly, sniffing. I nodded slowly and cuddled more.
“Anyway.” She paused.
“You never answered MY questions so why should I answer yours first?” She grinned weakly.
“Aaaaarrrrgh! Cheeky bitch!” I chuckled.
“You loves me!” She grinned stronger this time and shot me playful puppy dog eyes.
“Nah!” I grinned back and kissed her again.

***

I was now standing in a large music classroom. Completely alone apart from a bunch of instruments, some I didn’t even know the names of. I bounced around a bit before deciding to sit at a Grand piano. It was by now late afternoon and the light was fading fast from the huge gothic style windows.

I was still in a somewhat euphoric state since Michelle’s kiss and it was a feeling I never wanted to fade. At the same time I felt almost overwhelming guilt for having let Brian hurt her and for forcing Jay to go somewhere he clearly didn’t want to go. My underlying love for both them was fueling this guilt ridden fire in my chest and I felt as if I might brake right here and now.

I took several deep breaths and my voice echoed eerily around the room. Composing myself for what felt like the umpteenth time today, I raised my head and stared directly at the magnificent piano in front of me. I wiped a single tear away and as I lifted my hands towards the pristine ivory keys, a song came immediately to my mind.
After a backward glance to make sure no one had come in, I began to play softly. After a short intro I started to sing and suppress the nasal tone and shakiness in my voice.

"I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care
But it's so cold and I don't know where
I brought you daffodils in a pretty string
But they won't flower like they did last spring

And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright
I'm just so tired to share my nights
I wanna cry and I wanna love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up

And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight
But my hands been broken, one too many times
So I'll use my voice, I'll be so fucking rude
Words they always win, but I know I'll lose

And I'd sing a song, that'd be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry I wanna learn to love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up

I wanna sing a song, that'd be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry, I wanna fall in love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up.”

As I finished, I let the last note linger using the foot pedal and took another deep breath. I dipped my head slightly and wiped a few pesky tears that had surfaced while I had sung. As the sound from the pedal faded, another replaced it.

Soft sniffing met my ears and just as I was turning around to see who it was, Michelle ran towards me and engulfed me in a massive soft hug. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and her hair was becoming wild. To me she was just as beautiful as ever and I held her close as I could, rubbing her back supportively. After several sniffs she whispered a thank you in my ear and I kissed her cheek. Soft and slow clapping began to rise from outside and after a second I realized that all of the class had heard me. Although my cheeks threatened to burn up instantly once that realization had sunk in, I didn’t let them. Instead I just held Michelle and we both slowly turned to see all our friends smiling wide and giving thumbs up.