Bella

I was in the midst of gathering my belongings to check out of the hotel when there was a soft knock at the door. Figuring that it would be room service, I opened up the door. She stood there, her hands folded behind her back innocently, as if she could do nothing wrong. Her stance was quite oxymoronic, because she could do everything wrong. But that made two of us.

“Can I come in?” She chirped, and her voice was like church bells on a Sunday morning. I nodded and moved out of the way so she can enter. She took a seat on the carpet and patted the empty spot next to her. I closed the door of my hotel room before sitting next to her, but leaving at least twelve inches between us. “Good afternoon…” she trailed off, looking around the room.

This girl was quite confusing. She entered my heart and left, over and over again, as if it was a front door that people casually walked in and out of. “Good afternoon. How can I be of service?”

She laughed lightly, tilting her head back only slightly. “You talk like you were in a fast food restaurant.” When I failed to respond, she took the hint. “Oh, you do, don’t you? Well, you must be quite fantastic at it.” And then there was an insoluble silence between us. It was intricate and complex, quite similar to how it was the night I left. The only difference was that then, we were happy and it was comfortable. Now, it was simply odd. “Do you ever sometimes regret leaving here three months ago?”

I shook my head. “No, I don’t. Why? I’m clean, have been for two months now, from any narcotics, including marijuana. I mean, cigarettes are still a bad habit of mine, but I don’t think I’m giving those up just yet. I—” Bella’s lips were pressed against mine, softly, though. I didn’t mean to kiss her back, but it was instinctive, a bit similar to breathing in oxygen. Jasper’s face appeared in my mind. I placed my palms on her chest, gently, pushing her away. “I can’t kiss you knowing that I have no right to. I mean, it’d be different if you weren’t in a relationship, but that’s not the case.”

She sat back, running a finger over her lips. “I’m not happy, though. Not like I was with you. Jasper’s good to me, nonetheless, but he’s not you, Acel. He isn’t you. He doesn’t have your structure, your morals, or your mentality. He’s just…Jasper.”

“There’s got to be something special about him for you to be dating him.”

When Bella looked back up at me, she was smiling sheepishly. “That’s not so true, Acel. I just felt rebellious when I was with him. Unlike you, he exposed me to drugs and alcohol and cigarettes. That’s what he’s about, Acel. That’s his type of lifestyle. And you, you Acel, you wouldn’t let me do those things. As soon as you were gone, I took my chance! Can you blame me?”

“How can I not? You knew what you were getting yourself into. I kept you away from those for a reason. I didn’t want you to end up like I was, Bella. It’s addicting, isn’t it? Don’t expect me to get you out of the rut because I have done all I could. And when I left, I didn’t expect you to hit rock bottom. I expected you to pick your life up and go on, living a better life than you did when I was here. But you fucked up. And what did it result in? Bella, you killed a healthy fetus!”

She was sniffling, crying now. “I didn’t know! If I knew that I was carrying a baby inside of my stomach, then I wouldn’t have done it! I would’ve denied when he offered me pills and alcohol! But when I found it, it was too late. So don’t sit here and harp on me on something that I can’t do anything about.”

“Don’t expect me to sit here and console you. We could’ve prevented this all. You asked me if I regretted leaving, right? Hell yeah, I do! I regret even coming here in the first place. This could’ve been prevented.”

Bella huffed and sat up on her knees. She pushed me hard before toppling over me. Bella buried her face into my shirt, pushing us both onto the floor. “Don’t say that to me because you don’t mean it. I love you, Acel, I love you so much. Please, don’t say that to me.” Though I shouldn’t have, I held Bella stabile where she was on top of mine by her waist. In some sense, I felt bad, responsible for how disorderly she had become.

We sat in a silence that felt like forever. I wasn’t sure what to think or how to feel. I didn’t want to just pick up my belongings and leave when I knew that she was damaged goods. She was marred, inside and out, mentality and physically. “I love you, too,” I admitted, and it was more like a whisper.

In some ways, I regretted coming back. I knew how strong I felt for the girl. I knew that I’d just be sucked back into her realm of so-called “love.” For all we knew, we could’ve just been exchanging words that we’d soon abuse and forget the meaning off and regret saying it later on in life. But I knew that I wouldn’t. I’d marry the girl if I was presented the opportunity. Hell, I’d marry her right then and there, where she lay on top of me with her makeup untidy, if things weren’t so complicated.

And as Bella laid there on top of me, with her makeup untidy, with her hair a chaotic mess of blonde tangled curls, I realized something. I realized that this moment, no matter how imperfect anyone could have deemed it, was pure perfection. The two of us, both broken in some ways, were able to look around the impairments and flaws still manage to love each other unconditionally. I rolled us over so that our positions were alternated. I tangled our legs and I allowed the two of us to lie there on the floor, breathing in toxic oxygen. I wanted to kiss her again, but her lips were off limits. Lying there like we were was already crossing over the red line, so kissing her—again—would get me in an even bigger dilemma.

She was the first to break the silence. “You were just going to leave again, weren’t you? I see you have your bags packed. Where you even going to say goodbye to me?” I didn’t answer her. I couldn’t answer her. I didn’t know what to say. “Y’know, I kind of liked being pregnant, when I found out. I thought that it was pretty cool and heartwarming that I had a little Acel in my womb. It was like a constant reminder of you and it kept me going.”

“That reminds me. I forgot to apologize to you. I’m sorry, Bella. My intentions weren’t to plant a seed inside of you. I just wanted you to feel what I couldn’t explain.”



I wasn’t sure how it happened, but it was my fault regardless. The two of us were cuddling; half naked, engrossed in a full-blown make out session. It was only meant to be an innocent, three-second kiss, but I got so overwhelmed with missing her that it erupted into something more.

I hadn’t taken it so far that we’d stripped of all articles of clothing, no. That was completely off limits, like her lips were less than twenty-minutes ago. The most that happened was that I removed her shirt and she removed mine. Bella had begun getting a bit frisky, so I drew the line. “I don’t think that we should continue this. If I was in Jasper’s place, I wouldn’t want you to be where you were now.”

“But I want to be here. It doesn’t matter what Jasper wants.”

I shook my head and sought out our shirts, slipping mine on and handing Bella her chemise. She frowned, pouting her lips. “How about we agree to disagree, darling? You shouldn’t be here and I shouldn’t either. I should be in Louisa. This whole event shouldn’t even be taking place. We broke up, like, three months ago.”

“Just one last—”

I cut her off. “No. We just tried that, didn’t we? Put your shirt back on and go home to save both of us the emotional pain. It was hard enough coming back to Ramsay in the first place. At least give me the leisure of going back home without being on the verge of a breakdown.” Reluctantly, she did as she was told, leaving me with a look that sent me on a guilt trip.