The Masked Feelings

Cris; why did that name bring so many unclear memories to mind? I could see us talking, and me smiling, even laughing at times. But, I couldn't hear the conversation, it was like I was watching it happen through a window. I could tell that there was history between us, by how comfortable I looked around him. But why couldn't I remember him like I did all of my other friends? I glanced at the clock, reading the time '15:49'. I looked around the room and saw nothing to do, and so decided that I would take a walk to clear my mind. I changed into a blue shirt with a black skater skirt and blazer. I put on some sandy brogues and handbag. I opened my handbag and took out my tinted lip balm that I kept in their and put some on, then putting it back away. I grabbed my music note necklace from my duffel bag, checked my outfit in the mirror before walking silently down the stairs. I knew that Pilar wouldn't let me out of the house and so I made sure that they were busy, which they were - probably talking about me- before quietly walking out of the door.

The bright Spanish sun shone brightly in the sky, and so I put on my Ray-Ban sunglasses to protect and cover my eyes. I didn't know where I was going, my legs just seemed to walk automatically. I kept on walking, passing familiar houses that I had stared at from my car window many times, and other familiar shops. I then saw a park, and the memory of me pushing a child on the swing set. The child looked just like Cristiano; Bella? I shrugged off the thought and continued walking for another 15 minutes when I came to a stop in front of a house. I kept on walking until I reached the door. The house looked empty, like the owner had left and I went to open it but the door wouldn't budge. Then a flashback came rushing through my mind, of me slamming the door shut in Cristiano's face and then crying my eyes out for the next half an hour. I bit my lip, remembering the pain, and slide the the plant pot to the side, revealing the spare key.

I opened the door carefully and switched on the light, bringing a thousand memories swarming through my mind as my eyes flickered around the room. I walked over to the kitchen where I had spent so many nights preparing meals for two. I then walked over to my sofa, where I had spent so many nights watching TV. I laid back on the sofa and closed my eyes when a painful memory sent my body jolting up. A picture of me bawling, reading a note, 'Tasha, I can't do this. Goodbye-Cristiano'. I remembered how my world came crashing down in fire and flames. I buried my head in my hands as I remembered Cristiano, and how he cheated on me twice. How he abandoned me. I got up from the sofa and went into the bedroom to lie down on the bed. When I reached the room I flopped down on the bed and closed my eyes before rolling over and seeing a picture. A picture lying innocently on the bed-side table.

Cristiano and I with a five year old girl. The girl, Bella. Bella, oh my gosh! Bella! My daughter Bella, and my fiancé Cris! My heart seemed to skip a beat as I realized everything. I understood it all now. Within a day I seemed to have unlocked my past. My head pounded and I held my head with my thumb and index finger. All of this information was a lot to take on all at once. I didn't know how I felt about Cristiano being my fiancé. I must have loved him a lot to have forgiven him, but now thinking about it I didn't know if I should forgive him any more. He had cheated on me twice and abandoned me and his daughter for the girl; Irina. I remembered her. Her and her shiny brunette locks. Her and her evil green eyes. Her and her stick thin figure and unnaturally large lips that always seemed to pout or smirk.

Her and her beauty that always made me insecure especially knowing what Cristiano and her did together behind my back. I stared at that picture and saw how happy I looked and how in-love I was, but I knew that during that picture, there was still an internal battle being fought. Insecurities and love. I thought love had conquered my insecurities, but now that I could think everything through without Cristiano's intoxicating presence, I wasn't so sure. I loved him, hell I probably still do, but after remembering all of the things that he's done to me, I can't go back to being his puppet. I need to stand on my two feet and concentrate on my own life instead of getting back into a relationship with Cris. Our relationship was so emotionally consuming that I just need a break from all of it.

I got off of the bed, and walked over to pick up my bag that I had left on the table before walking out the house. I strolled back to the house, picking up some strawberry Ice-Cream along the way. Once I got back to the house I saw Cristiano's car parked in the drive way. My heart thudded loudly in my chest, so hard that I was afraid that it may break through my ribs and free itself from my body. I had long since finished off my Ice-cream, and I was starting to worry that it may make a re-appearance as I walked up to the house. I opened the door and Pilar came running up to me, hugging me tightly. "Oh my God Tash! Where were you? We were all so worried, never do that again!" Pilar scolded and I chuckled before pulling away from her. Everyone had now gathered in the hallway, including him; Cris.

I chuckled nervously and replied, "don't worry I'm fine. I just needed to go on a walk to clear through my thoughts." I explained, leaving out certain pieces that were private to me.
"Where did you go?" Cris's low, accented voice asked and I bit my lip to keep my suddenly angry and very pissed off emotions hidden.
"Uh, to go get some Ice-cream." I replied simply and he squinted his eyes at me, clearly not completely buying my lie, however didn't push it any further.
"Well, it's 8 o'clock now, so lets go get something to eat" Pilar instructed. I could hear Sergio mumbling an 'good, I'm starving' under his breath and I'm sure that Pilar heard it by the roll of her eyes. But I can't face dinner with Cristiano, I just can't.
"No, no, I'm good. The Ice-cream was really filling so I don't need to go." I rambled and Pilar raised her eyebrows at me.
"It's not a question. Ice-cream isn't that filling, and you are to have 3 meals a day so you're to come with us." Pilar told me and I opened my mouth to argue with her, however she raised her index finger and finished, "end of." And by the tone of her voice I knew that I was not to argue with her.

"Fine, let me just fix my hair first." I huffed and marched upstairs. I looked in the mirror and saw how knotted my hair was and so grabbed my brush from the dressing table and began to untangle it. I heard footsteps behind. I glanced behind me in the mirror and saw Cris standing there, leaning against the door frame. "What do you want?" I asked, trying to be nice, but the bitterness in my tone was still noticeable.
"What's the matter with you? Why are you acting all strange?" Cristiano asked as he brushed past me confidently and sat down on my bed. I balled my hands into fists, trying to focus on my anger towards him, not the way my skin burned as he brushed past me and was still tingling even now.
"I'm not acting 'all strange'." I answered, bringing my brush to my hair as I tried to put it up in a pony tail.

However the pony tail failed and so I just turned around to face Cristiano as he began talking, "Really, well where were you, considering no-one spends 4 hours at an Ice-cream shop?" He asked and I gulped, turning back to the mirror and tried to put my hair back up in a pony tail to avoid looking at him and his burning gaze. I was never a good liar and I was sure that Cristiano would know my signs and so I did everything in my power to avoid his gaze through the mirror and act natural, which was easier said than done.
"I was just walking and thinking..." I replied, giving up on my hair and I noticed Cris getting up and standing behind me. He held his hand out for the brush and I placed it in his hand hesitantly. He then began brushing my hair and putting it into a pony tail. Involuntary shivers ran down my spine from his touch and I cursed how my body reacted to him.
"Where were you really?" He whispered into my ear and shivers ran down my spine again at his hot breath on my neck. I tried to think of a reply, but my mind was far too intoxicated by the way his hands worked on my hair. "Done." He replied as he tied the hair-tie around my now fairly long blonde locks.
"I, um- we should er- we should go back down stairs now." I stuttered and Cristiano smirked, but didn't say anything about it as he followed behind me, down the stairs to meet the rest of the group.