Never Let Me Go

Jack’s smile turned to heartache as his eyes landed on the empty mic stand. He quickly turned his attention back to his guitar and started strumming.

#

The streets outside went from being littered with red, yellow, and brown leaves to being covered by thick snow and ice. It’d now been three months and three days since he’d dumped Alex. Not that Jack was counting or anything. Nope. I mean I am doing it to myself to some extent… I’ve taken great pains to avoid him altogether or to switch seats in the classes we have. God, I hope he’s eating and he’s stopped drinking so much. He grabbed his phone from his back pocket to text Rian, who seemed to have replaced Jack in Alex’s mind, but then thought better of it and texted his sister, who was supposed to pick him up today.

‘Hey, need the fresh air. Gonna walk home,’

‘But it’s freezing outside and it’s a long walk... are you sure? Everything all right with you?’

‘Not really. But I need the time to think,’

‘Ooook. If you’re sure,’

‘I am,’ he texted before shoving the phone back in his pocket.

He found himself wandering not in the direction of his house, but to the park by the coffee shop where he and Alex had had their heart-to-heart once upon a time. I miss him so much it hurts. I know why I haven’t tried to contact him, but why hasn’t he tried to call or text me? I mean I guess I understand considering how we left things, but a ‘oh I’ve stopped starving and drinking myself to death and Rian got me to find help’ text would have been nice. A call would have been even better. I hate talking on the phone, but I’d give anything to hear his voice again. he thought as he looked at the hill they’d sat on. There was a bench sitting on top of it now. It was covered in snow, but Jack figured since he was wearing his gloves for once, he could brush it off. He’d brought his dad’s large acoustic with him to practice today instead of his usual electric. He could feel himself looking over the edge, almost waving at depression lately, so he figured that was why. Acoustic guitars were so much better for making sad music, especially if you didn’t feel like lugging around an amp all the time or have to constantly search for an outlet. He sat down on the bench, took the guitar out, and set the case next to the bench. A mournful melody was the first thing to come as he strummed.

Three hours had passed and Jack’s face and ears were starting to freeze. Plus the sun had started to set, signaling it would only get colder from here. There was no way he was walking home now. He gently set the guitar back in its case, snapped it shut, and was just about to head into the coffee shop to text his sister when he heard the voice he’d been dying to hear behind him.

“Hi,”

Jack closed his eyes and counted down from 10, hoping like hell that he wasn’t imagining this. He braced himself in case Alex still looked like Skeletor and turned around. He felt like he’d gotten the wind knocked out of him. Alex looked healthier than he had in all the time they’d been together: his cheeks were more rounded out and flushed bright red from the cold, the redness and dark purple circles around his eyes had vanished. Only the warm brown eyes Jack remembered falling in love with were there. Even his hair and his skin looked like they got a regular wash. There was a gorgeous emerald green scarf around his neck and he was bundled up in a grey winter coat. He couldn’t tell too much because of the bulkiness of the coat, but it looked like he’d gained weight. Jack felt a smile cross his face.

He realized how long he must have been staring and said, “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, um… was just in the neighborhood,” Alex said.

“Don’t lie to me. Not now,”

Alex looked at the ground.

“Your sister texted me. I guess she still had my number from before we broke up and she said she was worried when you didn’t come home. She said you were just as messed up as I was about the breakup and if I knew of any spots you might go to, let her know if I found you there,”

Jack felt like he couldn’t breathe. This is everything I’ve wanted… for so long… and damn if this isn’t sort of romantic. So why don’t I feel better about it? Ugh, God, Jack, focus. Words. You need to form words. he thought. He watched as Alex rocked back and forth on his ankles and rubbed his gloved hands together before shoving them back in his coat pockets.

“Jack? Um, you in there?” Alex finally asked.

Jack scrambled to come up with something to say, but he couldn’t get his brain to connect with his tongue. He knew he was straight up slack jawed staring, but he felt frozen in more ways than one.

“Do you want me to go? Or should we go inside? We’re going to turn into popsicles staying out here,”

Oh God, of course I don’t want you to go Alex. Also, I didn’t know you had a sense of humor like that. Score one for whoever’s been helping you. Jack thought.

After it registered with him that he’d said none of that out loud, he said, “You’re right… let’s go inside,”

Once they opened the door and took their place in line, Jack’s voice fully returned.

“I still can’t believe you’re here. You look amazing, by the way,” Jack offered.

The flush on Alex’s face then had nothing to do with the cold weather or the warmth of the store.

“Thanks. Rian’s been helping me a lot. And he convinced me to see the guidance counselor at school… she’s been the main one getting me back on track. She’s even helping me apply for transitional housing,” Alex beamed.

Instead of being happy for him like he wanted to, Jack couldn’t help the jealousy that flew through his body at the mention of Rian’s name.

“Why would he suggest the guidance counselor?”

Alex closed his eyes then, as if remembering physically hurt him, took a deep breath in, and blew it out.

“Right. That’s what we were always fighting about. Look, I’ll tell you everything as soon as we’re sitting down, OK?”

“OK?” Jack said, still stunned.

Alex got to the register first and ordered a small black dark roast and one of the pumpkin muffins. Jack felt like he lost his voice all over again. After he finished his order, Alex turned and looked at him with a small, reassuring smile. Jack’s facial muscles automatically formed into a return smile. Relief and even… hope surged through his frozen body. He ordered a small cappuccino and walked over to where Alex was waiting for his muffin.

“So… you’re eating now. Who is this guidance counselor? Because I already love her and want to thank her,”

Alex chuckled at that and said, “Yeah, we started slow. Kept up with toast at first, then cereal and milk, and then lunch. Now I’m getting back to where I’m supposed to be with eating habits. Also I’ve been meaning to apologize for what I said and how I acted when you came over the last time. You didn’t deserve that and I was awful,”

Jack felt tears welling up in his eyes at how happy he was to be hearing this and turned so Alex wouldn’t see him wiping them away. He felt his hand on his shoulder.

“Well shit, I didn’t mean to make you cry, J,” he said softly.

I would have been fine in a second if he hadn’t come up with that nickname. And God, I’ve missed his touch, even something as small as what he just did. Why isn’t the barista calling his name already so this torture can end? I can feel the breakdown coming on and I don’t need this right now. And I don’t want to leave him alone or leave in general either. Fuck. I need to go to the bathroom until I can get a hold of myself. he thought, setting his coffee and guitar case next to Alex.

“I-I’ll be right back. Just, um, get us a table,” he hated the way his voice shook.

He speed walked toward the back of the store, where the bathrooms were, and locked the door. He sank to the floor and sobbed, pinching himself several times to make sure this was really happening. When it didn’t feel like he had any more tears left to cry, he stood up, washed his hands, and wet a paper towel. I know it’s still going to be obvious I was crying, but it’ll make me feel better to know I at least tried to cover it up. he thought, dabbing his face with the towel. He kept hearing his dad’s voice in his head asking why he was crying and to stop being so overemotional and dramatic. He shook his head, threw the towel out, and hoped Alex hadn’t left and his guitar was just sitting out there waiting to be stolen.

He sighed in relief as he spotted his ex-boyfriend sipping his coffee in one of the plush chairs with the guitar beside him. He walked over and took the seat across from him. He felt Alex’s eyes on him as he reached over and took a sip of his own coffee.

“You know you don’t have to hide how you’re feeling from me, of all people, right?”

“It’s not just that… and how do you always see right through me? It’s annoying,” he joked.

A sad smile tugged Alex’s lips up at that.

“So… you said you’d explain when we sat down. We’re sitting,”

Pain scrunched up his face again and he put his coffee down on the table in front of them. He rubbed his now ungloved hands together and blew into them, even though, Jack thought, there was no way he could be cold.

“Rian came over a few days after you did. He said he just wanted to be an ‘uncomplicated’ friend for me and even went to all the trouble of acknowledging my obsession with Harry Potter. He asked me why I wouldn’t just tell you what happened and I don’t know what it was… maybe I was just tired of holding it all in, maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have feelings for Rian. But it felt good to finally tell somebody. The thing I’ve been keeping from you? I wasn’t exaggerating when I told you it was fucked up. I didn’t know how to deal with it, much less tell someone I was falling for about it. I’m still learning, in fact, and I was so afraid you’d judge me or think I was used up or gross or wanted it… and I couldn’t take even the thought of that, so I pushed you away,”

Jack’s stomach twisted itself into knots, the way it had the afternoon he’d found out Alex was the one who’d been beaten to hell. He had a sick feeling he knew what he was about to tell him and that it would confirm all of his worst fears.

“Jack, I was sexually assaulted in that bathroom. The last thing I remember is h-his hands on my… anyway. I have no idea if it went beyond that and that’s been one of the scariest parts – the not remembering, I mean. That’s what I was keeping from you for so long and why Rian suggested I go to the guidance counselor,”

Without thinking, Jack threw his arms around Alex, who still flinched but eventually relaxed into his arms. He felt Alex’s arms slowly wrap around his waist, his nose pressed into his chest.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I was a terrible boyfriend and I’m sorry I pushed you so hard to be public. Maybe if I hadn’t we wouldn’t have even been in that hallway in the first place and he wouldn’t have attacked you just for being with me. That was the first place my mind jumped to when I heard how they found you and---“

“Jack. Jack, listen to me, none of this was your fault. It was his. I’m working on blaming myself less too but the counselor tells me that’ll come. And you could only go on the information you had… I mean, I probably would have been mad at me too. I wanted to tell you so many times but every time I opened my mouth, it was like someone had tied my vocal chords together or something and I couldn’t. I don’t blame you, OK? So please stop blaming yourself,”

“You’re going to make me cry again, dammit,” Jack said.

“It’s OK if you do,”

“Stop being so nice to me! I hate crying,” Jack said as tears slid down his face and onto Alex’s neck.

“Someone should be,”

And just like that, Jack was sobbing again. He felt Alex rubbing his back and relished the touch.

“We’re doing this wrong. I should be comforting you,”

“We should talk about this thing you have against crying,”

“It’s not important. You’re the important one here,”

“Oh, Jack… of course it’s important. You’re important,” he said, lifting his head up from Jack’s chest.

He felt him put his hand on his cheek and tuck some stray hair behind his ear. Jack couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. He’s found me out. Surely he won’t love or care about me now that he’s getting the full extent of my darkness.

“Well, now I’m worried about you too. Speaking of… I should text your sister. She’s probably this close to calling the cops if I remember her correctly,” he tried to joke.

Jack was no longer in the mood for joking.

Alex’s arms left his waist and Jack sat up, still refusing to look at him. He heard him unlock his phone and start tapping out a message. He heard him lock the phone back and slide it back into his pocket. Silence fell between them for a second.

“Hey. Can you look at me? Please?” Alex said.

Jack did. Alex put his hand over his and Jack interlocked their fingers.

“It terrifies me to say this, especially because of everything that’s happened, but… I love you, Jack. I wish I hadn’t been so afraid to say it before, but I don’t think I fully realized how deep I was in until today. When May called and I thought you might have relapsed or something worse... I just knew I needed to find you,” he said, glancing at Jack’s covered wrists.

Jack pinched himself again. It hurt. So I’m not dreaming. All I want to do right now is hold him and kiss him and not let go… at least until one or both of us needs food. He chuckled to himself at that last thought before recomposing himself. He was just about to speak when, this time, it was his cell phone that interrupted them.

He flipped the phone so Alex could see the caller ID.

“Now she’s calling me. Probably wants to make sure I’m not dead or something,” he said sarcastically.

"Thanks for calling to let me know you didn't die of frostbite," came his sister's sarcastic voice.

"If I was dead, I couldn't very well have called you, could I?" Jack rolled his eyes, earning a laugh from Alex.

"And jeez, it was only three hours. Did you call all of Towson along with Alex? You have some timing, you know that?" he continued.

"Ohhhh so you're still with him? And no, you goof, just thought I could help,"

Jack could practically hear her squealing like she was 9 years old all over again and seeing Justin Timberlake in the Tearin' Up My Heart music video for the first time.

"Not that you can see, but I'm glaring at you right now. You're kinda interrupting,"

"You're welcome. So am I picking both of you up when the shop closes?"

Jack rolled his eyes at the smirk in her voice and also felt his neck and face flush at the thought of Alex coming back to his... like they used to. But maybe now we can write new history... Better history. Jack thought. He moved the phone from his ear and placed it on his chest to muffle the speaker.

"My sister, the queen of subtlety, wants to know if you wanna come back and hang," Jack said.

Alex laughed again and Jack realized how much he loved the sound of it. He hadn't had much, if any, occasion to hear it before.

"I'd love to,"

"Yeah Alex said he'll come back with us,"

This time May actually did squeal and Jack held the phone away from his ear.

"I'll text you when I'm close, OK?" she said.

"OK. And May? Thank you," he said, quieter.

"No problem," she said.

Jack hung up and set the phone next to his coffee.

"Now back to what you were saying. You have no idea how badly I've wanted to hear those words from you... 'cause I love you too. I have for a long time," he said, feeling his mouth go dry.

His nerves vanished when he saw a smile cross Alex’s face. He scooted his chair closer to his and leaned in. Jack looked first at his lips and then his eyes, as if to affirm that Alex was 100% OK with this. He nodded and Jack closed the distance between them, starting first by kissing his forehead and then working his way down to his lips. They only came up for air when Jack's phone buzzed, telling him May was outside. He tucked the phone back in his pocket and tugged his guitar case toward him. He helped Alex into his coat and Alex with his and they grabbed their empty coffee cups and headed toward the trash area.

After they'd thrown them out, Jack held a gloved hand out for Alex to take. Without hesitation, he slid his own gloved hand in between Jack's. The two of them walked to the front door, looking forward to figuring out how to work this restart button life had given them.