Bourbon and Ray-Bans

No one was making a sound. Norman was still hovering over me trying to figure out what had just happened. I shut my eyes and prayed the world would decide to end right at that moment. Zombies would be a welcome addition to the insanity already eating at me, obviously. I pushed Norman away and sat up.

“Um...I think I need a cigarette break now.” I flashed what I hoped was a smile at everyone to ease the tension and walked through the crowd of people. I heard some light laughter and sped up towards the exit. Flinging the door open, I gulped in as much of the crisp October air as I could. Leaning over to place my hands on my knees, I squeezed my eyes closed and fought back the tears I knew were there.

The door opened beside me and I immediately stood up to walk in the opposite direction. I didn’t care to see anyone in that moment.

“Hey, Brodie, wait.” It was Norman.

“No thanks. Just go back inside. Gotta get something out of my trailer. I’ll be right back.” I jogged away mentally willing him to stay put. I got my wish.

Back in my trailer, I splashed cold water in my face and looked at myself in the mirror. I barely recognized the girl who stared back. She looked wild, dazed, and sad beyond belief. Is this what I had really wanted? Love that destroyed you slowly from the inside out? I’d always taken for granted that when it happened it would be a two-sided affair, not some lovesick disease I’d lose myself in. I’d honestly never felt lonelier than in that moment. In love and lonely all at the same time. There was a nasty fucking irony in that.

Gathering what shreds of dignity I had left, I walked back and finished the scene. I didn’t talk to anyone beyond what was required. Something inside me had shut down and given up. I’d numbed myself against everything. I kissed him repeatedly and felt nothing but empty. When we wrapped for the day, I hightailed it out of there, stopping for no one.

Once in the safety of my car and several miles away, I pulled over in a grocery store parking lot and took out my cell phone. Lauren had called me twice. Greg once. Norman not one single time. I scrolled through my contacts until I found the number I needed most - Gale Ann Hurd’s. I loved Gale and felt like she was the only one who’d hear me out.

“Hi, Brodie. Everything all right? How’d today go?” I started to tear up.

“Oh, fine. Actually, I really need to talk with you about something - the show and me. I need to tell you something about me.” I wasn’t making much sense and I was seriously crying now.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong? You can tell me anything.”

“I need to be written off. Just kill Grace in the finale. Please.” I managed to choke out my request through my sobs.

“Honey, calm down and tell me what happened.”

“Nothing happened, okay. Just for personal reasons I need out. I don’t want to do this anymore - the acting, the press, the business. Whatever, you know? I just want to go back to being a normal girl from Georgia without all the pressure and bullshit. I should never have signed up for this.” I was desperate.

“Brodie, you don’t mean that. You’re just upset. Go home and get some rest. Call me back tomorrow and we’ll talk everything through. If someone did something, I need to know.”

“I’m not going to change my mind, Gale. I’m sorry.” I hung up and tossed the phone in the passenger seat. Wiping my eyes on my sleeve, I climbed out of the car and slammed the door shut. I was starting to get angry - really fucking pissed off. At myself. At Norman. And then I heard his motorcycle cutting through the parking lot. I cursed his name beneath my breath and hurriedly got back into my car. He was too clever for all that, though, and parked his bike directly behind me, blocking me from leaving the space. I leaned my forehead against the steering wheel and waited for whatever was about to happen.

Of course in my emo pity party I’d forgotten to lock my doors, and so he climbed in the passenger seat, handing me back my cell phone. When I went to grab it, he reached for my hand instead. I jerked it back. No touching allowed.

“What happened back there?” I wasn’t answering any of his questions.

“Go home, Norman.”

“No.” It sounded almost like a threat.

“What the fuck do you want from me? What do you want me to say? You want me to spill my fucking guts at your feet so you can play around in my goddamn blood? I’ve got fuck all to say to you or anyone else so just go the fuck away.” With my final words I pushed at him, needing him out of my car. I started to hit him - I was just so angry. He grabbed my fists to stop me and I lost my shit. I cried harder than I had in years, maybe decades. And he just sat there and held me.