Bourbon and Ray-Bans

After I had calmed down, Norman and I sat silently staring straight ahead both confined to our own seats in my car. The crying had worn me out and I simply wanted to go home and crawl into bed for a week. After several minutes had passed, I saw Norman pull out a cigarette and put it between his lips.

“Do not light that thing in my fucking car, got me?” It came out sounding so whiny. We locked eyes and before I knew it we were giggling like little school girls. It felt good.

I gasped for breath and wiped the tears from my eyes. “Sorry for the breakdown. I guess it had been building up for awhile now. Filming that scene today just broke something in me I hadn’t known was there to break.”

“I think it broke something you’ve known about for a long time.” I went cold. What the hell did he mean by that?

“Brodie, we’ve all noticed how you’ve distanced yourself from everyone and put up some kind of wall. You rarely ever want to hang out and never when I’m around. You’re still pissed at me. I know that. I don’t know what to do or even what I did to make you this angry. Tell me and I’ll fix it.”

“You are an absolute moron, Reedus. Really not the brightest bulb in the bunch. You think I got carried away kissing you because I’m trying to distance myself from you? How does that make one fucking iota of sense?” Anger was flooding back in.

He shrugged his shoulders at me and started fiddling with the zipper on his jacket. I knew the sunglasses were only a moment away from finding his face. I wasn’t the only one who could erect a wall.

“Starting to feel a little less comfortable, Norm?” The venom in my voice was brutal. “You’re not actually that stupid. You know exactly what that was back there. And you’re terrified I’ll out myself. Out you. Well guess what, sunshine? Fuck you. I’m not like you. I’ve got nothing to run from. Not anymore. I kissed you back there like that because I wanted to. Because I’ve wanted to for months, years. And I want to do so much more than that. But don’t worry. I know how to keep my hands to myself. There’s no need for you to give up your precious model pussy or your steel enforced defenses for a dumb, simple, lovesick girl from Georgia. I might want you, but I sure as hell don’t need you. Now get the fuck out of my car.” My chest was heaving.

He did as he was told, slamming the door harder than was necessary. I watched him climb on his bike and ride away sans helmet. I started the car and drove off in the opposite direction.

The next few days were tense. Word had spread around set about what had happened between Norman and I and everyone could see that we were barely speaking. I’d called Gale back the next day and apologized for my crazy rant. I wouldn’t leave the show and the people I loved because of one asshole. I spent my nights rather unwisely frequenting local dive bars and having more than one unfortunate sexual encounter prettied up under the alcoholic haze I buried myself in. I drank more booze in that one week than in my whole life. I barely recognized myself and it wasn’t helping me forget anything.

Week two of my recovery involved a new boxing gym membership. I needed to stop drinking and start hitting shit. After the first two mornings of 4 am classes, I was finally starting to feel like a normal human being again. Luckily, Grace and Daryl were also busy avoiding each other on screen. I knew this relative calm wouldn’t last.

Midway through the season finale filming, Andy knocked on my trailer and entered without waiting for permission. He sat across from me and crossed his legs.

“I’ve spoken with Norm and now I want your side. Please. I hate whatever is going on between you two.” No one could really resist Andy when he said please.

“The truth, Andy? I fell in love with a man who didn’t fall in love with me back. I made a total ass of myself in front of nearly everyone I work with. I even called Gale at one point asking to be written off the show. I think that about sums it up.” I felt defeated yet oddly comforted all at the same time. Andy’s kind blue eyes helped. “Is that what he told you?”

“Not really. He pointed the finger at himself, mostly. You really love him? Does he know that?” He should know that, but I knew he didn’t.

“He knows I have a thing for him - mostly a sexual thing. I’ve admitted as much to him. The other part...he doesn’t need to know. There’s nothing he could do with that piece of information that would be helpful to me at all. I know how he feels and that’s what matters. I guess I just let all these voices coming at me from different directions lead me the wrong way. For almost three years now I’ve listened to everyone and their mother tell me he’s totally into me. The problem with that is none of those voices were his. He never indicated anything other than friendship or the occasional joking jest. He’s still in love with Helena.” I would not cry, dammit.

“I love Norman to death. He’s one of my absolute best friends. And even so, I barely feel like I know the man. He’s a complicated motherfucker with secrets that could probably take down whole countries.” I snickered because it was true. “But the one thing that he’s always worn on his sleeve for the whole world to see is how he feels about you. And it scares the living hell out of him. He needs pushing.” Here we go again. Just another voice to add to the pile.

He cleared his throat and continued, “I know that Helena is still a huge presence in his life and always will be with Mingus. And she’s someone he feels an odd level of comfort with because they’ve been there and done that - probably off and on even since they officially ended things. But he’s not reliving his love of Helena over and over again, Brodie. He’s reliving the pain - the hurt that she caused him. That’s what he can’t get over.”

“How does that help me?” I wasn’t sure where he was going with this.

“I have to imagine that when Norman falls in love he intends to stay there for life. When that doesn’t happen, it destroys something in him. That’s why he’s only ever allowed it to happen once. Well...twice. But he’s only openly sought it once. He’s going to run from this as long as you let him.” Now it was my fault.

“So, what would you have me do? Stand outside his trailer with a boombox over my head or maybe clever cue cards?”

Andy laughed and stood up to leave. “If that’s what it takes, B.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Gael and I have already made bets on your wedding date. I picked something much sooner than her so I need you to hurry your shit up.” With that final piece of advice, he dashed out of my trailer before I could smack him.