Memory of You
An Excerpt From The Diary of A Queen
An Excerpt From The Diary of A Queen:
Reflections
September 15, 5026
They say that the first year after one's coronation is the hardest...I beg to differ. It's almost been five years since I was crowned queen, and each passing year has been harder than the last. In fact the first year felt as though the crown itself was strangling me...trying to snuff the life out of me. It's not that the people didn't like me – they loved me – it was that I felt...guilty.
Before taking the throne, my goal in life was to annoy my father, the King, through rebelliously doing the opposite of what he wanted me to do. I wasn't always like this. In fact I had grown up happily with two loving parents, a great group of friends, and a country -Seraphine- which I loved. My friends, all of whom were children of the castle workers were reliable and always there for me. From Mark and Valek, both of whom were eight years older, and later became the heads of my security, to Nicholas and Sophia, the children of my parents most trusted advisors – Sophie, who was the same age as me, later became my Lady in Waiting...while her older brother...who was four years senior than us, went to school in neighboring Airidia.
There were several reasons why I may have behaved so immaturely. It may have been the impending pressures of taking over the throne...or rather the more dominant one...the pressure of being forced to marry. I can still recall how my father tried to bring up the issue of my getting married, when I was only 16 or 17. "Princesses younger than you have been married, so what is the problem?" He had asked, when I had rejected the notion out right.
Of course, that didn't stop him from inviting the sons of Dukes, and Lords to dinner...it was always embarrassing when my parents would leave me and a potential suitor alone. I would sit in my chair, staring at my feet and fidgeting with my fingers while the men would ask me questions. It was like an interview gone horribly wrong. Some questions would shock me into stuttering nonsense. Such as "What kind of family do you want?" or "How many kids?"...in all truth I would feel like an idiot when answering, so sometimes I would say the wrong things on purpose.
As time progressed, I soon found a way to put an end to the matter. One day I noticed someone from my window walking around the garden with Samuel, one of the guards in training under Mark and Valek. He looked up at me with mesmerizing blue eyes, and I couldn't think straight. Later after dinner I found him in the hall, pacing. So I asked him who he was. That was when I first met David Grimaldi. He was three years older than me, and looked very much like someone my father would not approve of, due to his roguish looks and lack of ranking. He was perfect. From then on, I would see him almost every other day, we would talk about how life was and the expectations place upon us by our parents – okay...well my parents. He seemed to genuinely care about me, and was interested in my life. It didn't take long for me to think that maybe he was the right one for me.
As expected my father was not impressed when I asked him to let me choose a suitor for myself. His face reddened with anger at the thought of my marrying a commoner, who wasn't even from Seraphine...but from neighboring Saarsgard – a country which has relentlessly tried to murder our rulers, and take the throne. After pleading my case to my mother, she finally had my father agree to let David court me.
Once our courtship started, I started to notice things that may have been hidden by my previous rose-tinted glasses...there were times when I wanted David to talk to me, but he was more interested in speaking to the King. "I'm doing this so that we are on equal footing once we get married." He would tell me, kissing the top of my head. Just the kiss and speaking of marriage would make my heart flutter, and I wouldn't notice what it was he was so interested in discussing with my father.
As a few months passed us by, I started to feel as though things were going too fast. My father had now decided that we needed to be officially engaged, and had made David the Lord of Canterbury & Rosslyn, and there was more uncomfortable talk of marriage. Of course around this time I started to find it strange that the man courting me never held my hands or kissed me...just the top of my head. In fact the closer it came to us becoming a real couple, the more scared and unsure I felt.
It was three days before the ball at which our engagement would be announced. My father suffered a heart attack. Blinded by the fear of losing him, I put all my plans on hold...including the engagement. David was not at all happy. "You know your father was against me from the start. How could you cancel the announcement?" He berated me that day. I didn't care...I left him stranded on the stairs and ran to the Hospital wing in the castle, desperate to see my father.
Having regained consciousness, he had been asking for me, my mother said as I arrived. That was when my father told me the truth about David. One of my father's men had been checking in to David's background, and what they had found would shock me. David Grimaldi of Saarsgard, was already married to Alana Erricson, daughter of Lord Erricson of Ishvale, Saarsgard. In fact...they were due to have a child born in the coming months.
At that time I was stunned into silence. Not a word came out of my mouth. All the times David had left for some reason or another, how he never kissed me or held my hand... finally made sense. My father then told me about their discussions. David had been hoping that before our marriage, the King would change the laws which allowed the heir to the throne control over the land, to allow both the heir and their spouse control. He was hoping to take my throne from me.
As my father asked me what I would do...I was saved from answering when he passed out from the medication he had been given. I took this opportunity to run to where David's quarters were with Valek and Mark supporting me...and told David to leave. We were no longer together. I never told him what the King had told me.
Two days later, my father suffered another heart attack and passed away. My mother, who was now forced to rule the country, was left heart broken...she pushed for me to take the reins of the country – a task she never thought she would do without my father. About six months after my father's death...I was crowned Queen a few months before my 18th birthday. My mother passed away two months later. I'm sure she was happy to join my father once more.
I haven't reflected much since I took the throne...and usually I don't like to remember how I got here. I hope I've made my father proud by becoming the Queen he wanted me to be...I still feel like it's my fault he died. I should never have pushed to marry David...
As for David...I still see him sometime. Only in his capacity as Lord of Canterbury & Rosslyn; and Mark and Valek make sure to keep him at bay. My heart feels nothing for him. Nothing but immense hatred for how he lead me on...and helped me destroy my family.
I wish I had listened to my parents then...but I full well know...wishing won't change anything and it won't bring back the dead...nothing will. All you can do is move on, and live...hoping that what you do can make up for your mistakes. So…this is me…hoping the next five years are a bit easier...
Alexandra Astale – Queen of Seraphine
Reflections
September 15, 5026
They say that the first year after one's coronation is the hardest...I beg to differ. It's almost been five years since I was crowned queen, and each passing year has been harder than the last. In fact the first year felt as though the crown itself was strangling me...trying to snuff the life out of me. It's not that the people didn't like me – they loved me – it was that I felt...guilty.
Before taking the throne, my goal in life was to annoy my father, the King, through rebelliously doing the opposite of what he wanted me to do. I wasn't always like this. In fact I had grown up happily with two loving parents, a great group of friends, and a country -Seraphine- which I loved. My friends, all of whom were children of the castle workers were reliable and always there for me. From Mark and Valek, both of whom were eight years older, and later became the heads of my security, to Nicholas and Sophia, the children of my parents most trusted advisors – Sophie, who was the same age as me, later became my Lady in Waiting...while her older brother...who was four years senior than us, went to school in neighboring Airidia.
There were several reasons why I may have behaved so immaturely. It may have been the impending pressures of taking over the throne...or rather the more dominant one...the pressure of being forced to marry. I can still recall how my father tried to bring up the issue of my getting married, when I was only 16 or 17. "Princesses younger than you have been married, so what is the problem?" He had asked, when I had rejected the notion out right.
Of course, that didn't stop him from inviting the sons of Dukes, and Lords to dinner...it was always embarrassing when my parents would leave me and a potential suitor alone. I would sit in my chair, staring at my feet and fidgeting with my fingers while the men would ask me questions. It was like an interview gone horribly wrong. Some questions would shock me into stuttering nonsense. Such as "What kind of family do you want?" or "How many kids?"...in all truth I would feel like an idiot when answering, so sometimes I would say the wrong things on purpose.
As time progressed, I soon found a way to put an end to the matter. One day I noticed someone from my window walking around the garden with Samuel, one of the guards in training under Mark and Valek. He looked up at me with mesmerizing blue eyes, and I couldn't think straight. Later after dinner I found him in the hall, pacing. So I asked him who he was. That was when I first met David Grimaldi. He was three years older than me, and looked very much like someone my father would not approve of, due to his roguish looks and lack of ranking. He was perfect. From then on, I would see him almost every other day, we would talk about how life was and the expectations place upon us by our parents – okay...well my parents. He seemed to genuinely care about me, and was interested in my life. It didn't take long for me to think that maybe he was the right one for me.
As expected my father was not impressed when I asked him to let me choose a suitor for myself. His face reddened with anger at the thought of my marrying a commoner, who wasn't even from Seraphine...but from neighboring Saarsgard – a country which has relentlessly tried to murder our rulers, and take the throne. After pleading my case to my mother, she finally had my father agree to let David court me.
Once our courtship started, I started to notice things that may have been hidden by my previous rose-tinted glasses...there were times when I wanted David to talk to me, but he was more interested in speaking to the King. "I'm doing this so that we are on equal footing once we get married." He would tell me, kissing the top of my head. Just the kiss and speaking of marriage would make my heart flutter, and I wouldn't notice what it was he was so interested in discussing with my father.
As a few months passed us by, I started to feel as though things were going too fast. My father had now decided that we needed to be officially engaged, and had made David the Lord of Canterbury & Rosslyn, and there was more uncomfortable talk of marriage. Of course around this time I started to find it strange that the man courting me never held my hands or kissed me...just the top of my head. In fact the closer it came to us becoming a real couple, the more scared and unsure I felt.
It was three days before the ball at which our engagement would be announced. My father suffered a heart attack. Blinded by the fear of losing him, I put all my plans on hold...including the engagement. David was not at all happy. "You know your father was against me from the start. How could you cancel the announcement?" He berated me that day. I didn't care...I left him stranded on the stairs and ran to the Hospital wing in the castle, desperate to see my father.
Having regained consciousness, he had been asking for me, my mother said as I arrived. That was when my father told me the truth about David. One of my father's men had been checking in to David's background, and what they had found would shock me. David Grimaldi of Saarsgard, was already married to Alana Erricson, daughter of Lord Erricson of Ishvale, Saarsgard. In fact...they were due to have a child born in the coming months.
At that time I was stunned into silence. Not a word came out of my mouth. All the times David had left for some reason or another, how he never kissed me or held my hand... finally made sense. My father then told me about their discussions. David had been hoping that before our marriage, the King would change the laws which allowed the heir to the throne control over the land, to allow both the heir and their spouse control. He was hoping to take my throne from me.
As my father asked me what I would do...I was saved from answering when he passed out from the medication he had been given. I took this opportunity to run to where David's quarters were with Valek and Mark supporting me...and told David to leave. We were no longer together. I never told him what the King had told me.
Two days later, my father suffered another heart attack and passed away. My mother, who was now forced to rule the country, was left heart broken...she pushed for me to take the reins of the country – a task she never thought she would do without my father. About six months after my father's death...I was crowned Queen a few months before my 18th birthday. My mother passed away two months later. I'm sure she was happy to join my father once more.
I haven't reflected much since I took the throne...and usually I don't like to remember how I got here. I hope I've made my father proud by becoming the Queen he wanted me to be...I still feel like it's my fault he died. I should never have pushed to marry David...
As for David...I still see him sometime. Only in his capacity as Lord of Canterbury & Rosslyn; and Mark and Valek make sure to keep him at bay. My heart feels nothing for him. Nothing but immense hatred for how he lead me on...and helped me destroy my family.
I wish I had listened to my parents then...but I full well know...wishing won't change anything and it won't bring back the dead...nothing will. All you can do is move on, and live...hoping that what you do can make up for your mistakes. So…this is me…hoping the next five years are a bit easier...
Alexandra Astale – Queen of Seraphine