Just This Once, Just For Now

"Les, honey, I'm leaving now," I yelled, rapping on the bathroom door.

"Bye, call me when you get there alright? Drive safe," she yelled, over the sound of the shower.

"Will do," I said, smiling widely and grabbing my car keys, overnight bag and purse as I headed downstairs towards the driveway.

I got into my crappy secondhand truck and turned on the engine, turning on the CD player, which had an old 80's mix playing on it. According to the clock on the dashboard, it was 6:30 A.M. I was right on time. Given the time that Google Maps laid out for me, I should be able to reach Los Angeles in six hours tops. I had planned the whole thing out- I spoke to John about it and made sure he kept it a secret, and I would surprise Kenny on the road. It had been two months since we'd seen each other and he was really getting cranky about the distance, so I decided I'd go out and surprise him since I had a long weekend anyways.

The drive was alright. I always loved driving, especially on the Arizona highways, with the dessert on either side. Some found it bone-dry and boring, but there was nowhere else I'd rather be. A few rest stops and coffee breaks later, I was in Los Angeles, following the GPS system perfectly to make my way to the venue where the guys were. It was around lunch time, so I figured they'd still be lounging around on the bus.

I called up John as I parked my car inside the venue, "Hey, John I'm here," I said.

"Oh great, just wait at the entrance, I'll come get you cause it's a bit confusing to get to our bus from there," he said.

"Alright, see you," I said, hanging up.

A few seconds later, John was tapping at my window. I jumped out and hugged him, "It's so good to see you," I said, rubbing his back.

"You too, Lee," he said, kissing my cheek. "Kenny's gonna be so happy to see you. He's been missing you a lot."

I felt myself blush a bit as I smiled sheepishly, grabbing my bags and following John down the concrete path. We got to the bus after taking a few sharp turns which I realized I wouldn't have been able to decipher by myself, so John had made the right call by getting me. He smiled at me widely, telling me to wait as he opened the bus door.

"Ay Kenny, I have a surprise for you," he said, walking on to the bus.

"Did you get me Panera?" I heard Kenny's voice ask back, making me snort.

"Oh, this is tons better than a sandwich, buddy," John said, pulling me into the bus.

"Hey," I said, as he looked absolutely stunned.

"Hey," he said, pulling me into a hug and kissing the top of my head.

"Hey Lee," the rest of the guys called out, I went around and greeted them all individually.

Kenny still looked stunned as he held my hand and led me outside, taking me out to lunch. "Wow, I can't believe you pulled one over on me," he said, "I'm impressed."

"Never underestimate me, Brock. I'm always two steps ahead, always," I said, winking.

"Well, I'm glad," he said, leaning down and kissing me.

~~

"Hey, I'm just gonna go pee alright," Kenny said, kissing my forehead and sliding out of the bunk.

I rolled on to my back since there was more room and sighed, happy. I was glad I'd decided to make the trip out to see him. It really was great to see him, and all of the guys, in action. Suddenly, I felt a buzz beside me. I looked over involuntarily to see a message on Kenny's iPhone. I saw a glimpse of the name of the sender- Rachel.

I don't even know what made me do it, but I tapped his screen. Since he had his settings such that his phone displayed the text messages on the screen, I could see it even though his phone was still locked. It read like this- "Hey Kenny ;) Last night was so great, call me whenever-" the rest of the message was cut off.

Something in me just snapped. I had no idea who this Rachel chick was, and somehow, a very naive, stupid, blissful part of me just wanted to continue to be ignorant to her existence. I didn't believe in snooping and I wasn't the type of girlfriend who did that kind of stuff anyways, so I decided to pretend like I didn't see it. Kenny got back into the bunk a few seconds afterwards, I simply kissed him goodnight and fell asleep.

~~

I had put the text message instance behind me, convincing myself that it was probably just some groupie-ish fan who was overly flirty with Kennedy. I knew of his appeal with the ladies, and I understood that it was a part of his job, I was going to respect that. But then something happened the next morning that caused me to second-guess everything.

It was pretty early, I jumped out of the bunk, heading to the bathroom to wash my face. I walked out, realizing that most everyone was still asleep, so I stepped outside for a minute to take a walk. As I stepped out, I heard two voices- John and Pat's- screaming from somewhere behind the bus.

"I can't not tell her dude, I mean it wasn't just one or two, it was a lot of girls. I feel so bad for her, she drove all the way. I would like someone to tell me, if I were her," I heard Pat's voice say.

"Pat, she just came over yesterday. You're going to ruin everything. It's not even your place to say anything. Seriously, just promise me you're going to shut up about it?"

I walked over, and they immediately shut up, "Morning, Lee," John said, smiling tightly at me.

"Oh, hey, John," I said, my brain still refusing to put the pieces together. "You guys are up early."

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep," Pat said, giving John a dirty look.

"Why, what's wrong?"

"Just some stuff on my mind," Pat said, slowly, seeming as if he would like me to inquire further so that he could tell me what he so obviously wanted to.

"Pat, we have to go unload or else Tim's going to kill us, come on," he said, almost dragging him away from me physically.

Suddenly, I felt sick. There was this crazy rumbling in my tummy that I knew couldn't just be indigestion; it was something far, far worse. It was the feeling of being completely and utterly let down, that pathetic feeling of knowing that someone who you have given everything to has simply not held up their end of the deal.

I still managed to keep my calm, walking back on to the bus and changing into my clothes for the day. However, despite myself, I pulled my car keys and put them into my purse, stuffing all my clothes into my suitcase and zipping it up. I loaded it up into my car. By the time I had walked back to the bus, Kenny was awake, sipping on a cup of coffee.

"Hey, Kenny, a word?" I asked, my voice coming out brisk and bitchy without me even trying to do so.

He creased his brow, looking confused and nodded, coming outside with me. I had no idea how to start the conversation, so I simply decided to start from the beginning and relay everything as it had happened. However, because I was so angry at this point, my lips began to quiver and everything came out wrong and cold.

"Um, Kenny I didn't mean to peek, but I saw that text on your phone from whoever that chick Rachel is-"

"Yeah, I can explain-"

"I'm sure you can, and I probably would have fallen for whatever elaborate lie you're about to tell me but I heard Pat and John talk about how you've been doing whatever it is that you're doing with a lot of girls?" I said, feeling my voice crack.

I would not cry. If Kennedy had really cheated on me, multiple times nonetheless, the last thing I would give him was the satisfaction of knowing that I loved him enough to cry my eyes out over it.

"Phaed, just listen to me, please..." he said, balling his hands into fists.

"Yes or no, Kenny. That's all I need to know. Did you or didn't you?"

His eyes started to tear up and his jaw seemed locked shut. I exhaled slowly. "Right, I-I'm going back to Tempe, Kenny. Please don't call or text me. Ever."

I turned on my heel and walked away from him, never looking back. He called me relentlessly for almost two months but I never picked up a single one of his calls. He texted constantly, sending me page-long messages asking for forgiveness and asking me to call back. But I ignored everything until eventually it stopped. I hated admitting it, but that hurt too, despite knowing that I would never reply, it still felt nice to be pursued on some pathetic level.

That day I drove home, crying all the way. Yes, I was that girl, driving while sobbing, it's almost as dangerous as driving while drunk, if not worse. Somehow, I managed to get home and cried until Lesley got home and consoled me. I fell asleep in her arms that night.

I was a zombie for the next month, simply going through the grind. Until suddenly, around the time that Kennedy stopped calling as much, I got my shit together. I finally pulled together some scratch money and teamed up with my friend Lisa to buy the studio. Setting up the studio, building it all from the ground-up took all of my energy. The next eight months I did nothing but commit myself to the project entirely, getting home late enough to scarf down dinner and pass out on my bed. Eventually, I was alright. Scarred, but alright, able to pull it together superficially.

And just as my wounds had scabbed and just as the scabs had fallen off, a one Mister Timothy Kirch walked through my door, changing everything around all over again.