I Swear This Time I Mean It.

It bothered me that Keagan now had to sleep in the guest room instead of where he belongs; in my bed, with me. I understood where my mom was coming from but it just got under my skin knowing that my parents still aren't 100% okay with a guy sleeping in my bed with me. I guess they'll be the same way when my sister is older and whatnot, but still. If I was straight I'm sure my dad wouldn't mind if a girl slept in my room. But what's done is done and now Keagan is a whole room away from me.

I wondered what Keagan and I were... I mean, we were much more than just friends at this point. But we weren't together. We weren't secretive about our 'relationship' either though. We never kissed each other like we did earlier. That was a first for us. And I could bet any amount of money that it meant something to Keagan- he can't play it off like it didn't. He can't try and tell me that he didn't feel what I felt.

I felt something deep inside my gut that told me that he's the person that I'm meant to be with. Maybe not for forever- but for now, for a while. All I knew was that I wanted to keep kissing him. I wanted to be the only one that he kissed, and I wanted to be the only one he'd share his bed with. No more one night stands for him, just me and only me.

Of course I couldn't tell him all of that. Knowing him, he'd call me a possessive queen or something like that. I'm not trying to be possessive, I swear. I just know that he's too blind to see what we actually have.

It took a lot longer for me to fall asleep because Keagan wasn't with me, but I eventually fell into a somewhat peaceful slumber.

When I woke up, I had a bad feeling that everything that could go wrong, would today. I haven't spoken to Russ since we 'fell out' for the second time. I knew my mom meant well when she invited Russ and his family over for dinner but I mean really mom? Why couldn't it just be us? There's almost definitely going to be drama.

I sat up in my bed and rubbed my eyes to try and prepare myself for the day. My mom was going to need a lot of help in the kitchen. She was cooking for 8 people, which isn't much for a Christmas dinner, but it's a lot of cooking for one person to do alone. The last time my dad was trusted with the oven he almost burnt the entire house down so we no longer let him step foot in the kitchen unless he's actually eating. Sorry dad, but it's for the best.

Keagan knocked on my door before he came in.

He looked so cute in his t-shirt and boxers on, I couldn't help but smile.

I wanted to give him a good morning hug, but I already knew he'd be weirded out by it. I knew him way to well at this point.

"You look like you got hit by a bus," he said with a smirk.

I frowned.

The asshole is back huh.

"Well we all don't wake up looking like a Greek god like you."

He laughed and playfully smacked my shoulder.

"I just mean you look tired. Calm yourself. I'm sure a shower will do you some good."

If only he was joining me in the shower, would it do me any good.

Whoops so my dirty mind has come out, judge me.

"You can shower first if you want. I'm going to do downstairs and see what my mom wants me to do, then I'll come back up. After I'm done we can eat breakfast and whatnot."

Keagan nodded and pulled at his shirt. I wanted him to take it off so I could get a quick glimpse of his 6 pack, but he knew better than to remove his clothes in front of me. What a tease.

"I'd be more than happy to help with anything. You're parents are being so generous, the least I can do is help like set the table or run out and get groceries or something."

I smiled.

Sweet Keagan exists.

"That would be great actually. My mom would appreciate the help."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas morning/afternoon pretty much flew by like it didn't even happen. All 5 of us were scrambling around like crazy people cooking/cleaning/re-arranging and all other sorts of things. It's so funny how much people care what their house looks like when guests come over.

Keagan wanted to help cook, but there was only room for two chefs at the counter and that was my mom and sister. Keagan and I were the slaves who cleaned off the table, vacuumed the entire house, and went out to buy all of the stuff we forgot. Let's just say finding a supermarket that had everything we needed was not easy. We probably went to 3 different stores for 5 things. Mom is so picky.

I think Keagan noticed me freaking out a little bit right before Russ and his family were set to come over.

"Are you nervous?" Keagan asked me. "About seeing him?"

I wished that Russ wouldn't be an issue. But I just knew he would be. I knew he would give Keagan dirty looks across the table. I knew he would ignore me and act fake to my parents. It was an awful feeling.

"Sort of," I said, looking down. "He was my best friend and then he was nothing. It's hard to accept that."

Keagan walked closer to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

"If he says anything rude to you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, he's going to have to deal with me. Okay?"

I tried not to make a big deal out of what he said.. but it was honestly the nicest and sweetest thing that anyone has ever said to me. He'd never know how much I valued him as a friend, and now as a protector as well.

"Thank you Keagan. I hope he doesn't," I said just as our doorbell rang. "Let's put on our fake smiles and do this."

Keagan smiled with all of his teeth to look creepy on purpose. It made me laugh and I instantly felt 20% better than I initially had.

My mom open the door and greeted Russ and his parents with warm hugs and a friendly smile.

Russ made eye contact with me and looked Keagan up and down before entering my house. I bet it was a surprise to him that Keagan was actually here for the holiday. But he was here and Russ had to deal with that.

We sat around and talked while we waited for dinner to be ready.

My dad was talking to Russ about school; thank god he was communicating with him so Keagan and I didn't have to.

"He's not even hot. I can't picture you two... you know. Like at all. Just saying." Keagan whispered to me.

I made a face at him.

"Hush your mouth, both of our parents are around. Geeze," I said defensively. "I happen to think he's pretty good looking. Even if he is a jerk. So there."

Keagan scoffed. "He doesn't have shit on me."

I shut up, 1. because he was right and 2. dinner was finally ready.

Of course Russ was sat directly across from me so I had the absolute pleasure of looking at his face the whole time I ate.

The only good thing about dinner was the food itself. My mom was an amazing cook and everything came out fantastic. Especially her sweet potatoes. I pretty much filled half my plate with just that. Keagan liked them too, but the carnivore that he is, he ate mostly ham and turkey.

Russ' mom asked me how I liked college and of course I embellished a little bit and told her I was doing well and having an amazing time. I told her that Keagan was my roommate and all, just so there was no confusion as to who the 'mystery' guest at the table was.

I was thankful that the rest of dinner wasn't too awkward. Russ didn't say much and minded his own business for the most part.

There was one instance where he and I both went for the plate of brownies during dessert and he let me go for it. It was a tense moment for no reason; I just wanted my damn brownie.

My real anxiety set in when dinner and dessert was over and we had no choice but to socialize. My parents were talking to Russ' parents and my sister had gone up to her room probably to digest. So all that was left was the three boys.

Keagan was about to break the ice so to speak, but Russ surprisingly interrupted his thought and said something.

"Sorry but can I steal Jamison for a second? I'd like to speak with him in private."

Keagan squinted his eyes at Russ but motioned with his hands otherwise. "Sure."

It kind of made me feel good about myself that Keagan was already getting protective over me. It was flattering.

I followed Russ to a different room and gave him a 'what the hell' look.

"I know I don't have any right to ask this, but is that guy your boyfriend?"

I folded my arms.

"Yeah you're right you really don't. But no, he's not. I do have feelings for him. I would apologize if that offends you, but I'm not sorry. You might be stuck in the closet but I'm not. Keagan isn't going anywhere so, that's the way it is. If you think-"

Again, Russ interrupted.

"That's not why I asked. I'm not a homophobe Jamison. I just wanted to know. I don't want to be the bad guy here. I'm trying ok? I'm trying to accept myself but it's not easy. It's actually really hard. And not going to lie, seeing you and Keagan kind of lit a fire under my ass. I'm learning that maybe being gay isn't all that bad. My parents didn't seem to have any issues with you guys. So I'm hoping that maybe they wouldn't have any issues with me either. But it's a scary thought."

I uncrossed my arms and started to actually listen to him.

I wasn't expecting that. But if he thinks that I'm going to crawl right back into bed with him, he's dead wrong. I don't want to be a part of that anymore. If he needs a friend, I'm there. If he needs me to speak to his parents, I'll do it. But I'm not going to fuck around with him again.

"I understand," I said with full honesty. "It doesn't change or take back all you said and did to me though. You really hurt me Russ. I'm still upset over everything so I might need some time. I'm glad for you, for being honest with yourself and all. But you pushed me away and made me feel wrong and I don't think I forgive you for that yet."

Russ nodded and looked sad.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't have an excuse for that. But I am sorry."

Keagan peeked his head in and held onto the wall.

"I sense you two are having a moment. I'm going to go up to bed. Merry Christmas to you, Russ."

My heart sank when I heard the bitterness in Keagan's voice.

Shit.

I wanted to go after him, but I couldn't.

Any normal person would understand this situation, but this was Keagan. He had a red hot temper and a short fuse. There was no way he'd be like 'oh yea he's gay now good for him no problem.' Nope. Never.

But Russ needed me. His family was still here, and I needed to show my face until they left.

I felt horrible that Keagan probably had a terrible evening, and I hoped he'd let me make it up to him.

I just had to think of how...