I Swear This Time I Mean It.

I wasn't ready to go back to school just yet. It still felt like Christmas time even though the holiday was way over with. A part of me was excited to go back because I'd finally be able to sleep with Keagan in one of our beds without having to feel like we were breaking any sort of rules.

I was going to miss my family and the lack of school work to do of course, but it was time to go back.

Watching Keagan trying to pack a bag was probably one of the most hilarious things in the world. He didn't fold one thing, so nothing fit in the bag, so he proceeded to smush everything down so he could attempt fitting more things inside. He also put the smallest things in first which made no sense; but I kept my mouth shut because god forbid I told him how to pack... he'd think I was trying to run his life.

My parents drove us to the airport since I still had my car at school. They walked us as far as they could before we had to say goodbye.

Keagan hugged my mom and sister, and shook my dads' hand. My mom looked sad to see us go, sadder than she had when I left initially. I was hoping that she thought of Keagan like a part of the family, because he was a huge part of my life at this point. I knew she cared about him, and I knew she was just as sad to send him off as she was to send me off again.

The airport was crowded, there were a lot of college kids going back to school around this time, and a lot of people were traveling during the winter. I looked around and saw families saying goodbye to their loved ones just like I was. My mind wandered off for a moment; I wondered where everyone was going. School? Back home? Off to boot camp? Who knew. Everyone was going somewhere. It was an emotional day it seemed.

"So you're not going to make fun of me for still being nervous to fly?" Keagan asked hopefully.

I smirked my way out of my thoughts and nodded.

"Nervous? I think you mean terrified. As soon as the plane takes off you're going to grip the armrest like your life depends on it. But no, I promise I won't say anything. Just because you're cute."

Keagan squinted his eyes at me and cut me to go ahead onto the plane. I laughed, but he was still in 'fake-mad' mode and just sat down at his seat.

I did think it was cute how Keagan was scared about flying. He wasn't scared of anything except that really. I'm sure he had other fears but he wasn't ever going to blurt them out to me. With time I was going to find out what else he was scared of.

Keagan did surprisingly well when we took off, much better than expected. He was definitely trying his best to contain his fear in front of me, so I made it a point to put my hand over his while he was pretending not to freak out.

I wasn't sure if he would try to shoo my hand away, but I did it anyway. And he let me.

Landing was much easier than taking off. Keagan was so happy to be back on the ground and safe from death for the moment.

He turned his phone off of airplane mode and studied his iphone for a few seconds.

"Expecting a call?" I asked, trying not to sound nosy.

He shook his head, but still was messing around with his phone.

"No, I'm trying to look at the weather. It's still early. I was thinking maybe we could go for a walk and grab dinner outside."

I smiled and bit my lip.

I was so glad that Keagan was still treating us like an... us. We talked about our status but there was still a lot of doubt in my mind that he wouldn't want much to do with me when we got back to school, so I was extremely happy that he was already thinking about something sweet to do.

"Well let's unpack and get settled first and then see if the weather is still nice, how does that sound?"

Keagan put his phone away and pushed his hair back with his dominant hand.

"I don't even want to unpack. I have no idea how I came back with double the amount of things I brought. Maybe we should have brought an extra bag."

I opened up the door to the dorm building and hoisted my duffle bag onto my shoulder.

"You're the one that needed 7 bags. I did just fine with 2."

"Well it's not my fault I happen to have a pair of shoes to match every outfit."

I shook my head and followed Keagan into the elevator.

Of course he had to press every button like a child- but I didn't mind being "stuck" in there with him for a few extra minutes.

When I was little I used to be terrified of elevators, but I grew out of that when I was like.. I wanna say 11 or 12. I wasn't the bravest little kid, ok?

Keagan and I dropped our bags down and both of us had the same idea as we plopped right down on my bed. The flight wasn't even long, but waking up early and sitting down for that long made us tired.

Instinctively I snuggled closer to Keagan and put my arm around his waist.

I thought he was going to sit up and tell me to take my own advise and start unpacking, but he laid there with me and even kissed the side of my head.

"Can I tell you something Jamie?"

I turned my head to try and make eye contact.

"Of course. You can tell me anything, you know that."

We never had this type of relationship before. We changed on vacation, somehow we evolved into two different people almost. Keagan would never do this. He'd make fun of people who did this sort of thing. I always thought that this... whatever this was, was something that he didn't even want. I'm just really glad that I was wrong.

He took in a deep breath and sighed.

"I don't want to fuck up."

I stayed silent because I thought he was going to say more than that, but he didn't. That's all he said.

"What?"

"This. I don't want to fuck this up. I'm a fuck up, Jamie. It's what I do. I hurt the people I care about. I don't try to, it just happens. I never got close to anyone because I was terrified of someone doing the same shit to me as I do to everyone. I put up walls not to keep everyone out, but to keep myself in; to protect others. I never cared about myself which is why I couldn't care about anyone else. But you came around and turned my world in a different direction. So just know that even though I'm scared, I'm trying."

I sat up and put my hands on his chest.

"Hey," I said softly. "I know. I know you're trying. I do. You've come such a long way, and so have I. You think I had this sort of thing with Russ? Because I didn't. This is new to me too. And I want what you want. I don't want to fuck it up either. And we won't, because we do care. You tried to fight it and I tried to deny it for too long. Now we're back. We're alone. We don't have to sleep alone anymore, Keagan."

He grabbed my face and stared at me before he kissed me, hard.

I knew that he felt so brave for telling me all of that; he should feel that way. The old Keagan would probably make me unpack for him and order dinner while he went to go shower. But now, he'd never do anything like that. I was finally equal to him. Or something close to it at least.

Keagan ran his hands up my sides and gripped my hip bones. I pulled him closer to me and bit his lip.

He sat up and had me in his lap. His body was so warm, I could feel it through both of our clothes.

Just as his hands found their way to my backside, we heard a knock at our door.

"It's the RA, just letting you know that there's a mandatory welcome back meeting in the lounge at 9 PM tonight. Thank you."

I rested my forehead against Keagan's and sighed.

I wasn't mad or upset that our potential first time was ruined by our stupid RA. I knew that whenever our first time happened, that it would be special, and not interrupted by anyone or anything.

Soon I realized that I was more hungry than anything. And then I heard Keagan's stomach growl, letting me know I wasn't alone in my hunger.

Keagan played with my hair as he bit his lip.

"So how about that walk to get dinner now?"

And to me, that sounded fucking perfect.