Letting Go of the Nights

Vic was pathetic. It's been two years and three months exactly since. . .since it happened. It's been so long and the thought of Kellin Quinn still made his body wrack with tears and his heart ache and his stomach drop with how much he still can't get over him. Two years, for Christ's sake, and he still couldn't let go.

But he brought this unto himself. It was his fault for cheating and he never should have. He should have realized how amazing Kellin was and how lucky he was to have him but he didn't. And he hurt him so bad. He didn't even know why he did it. And that was the worst part. He hurt Kellin more than anyone ever had and he did it for no reason. Vic would never ever forgive himself.

He was sitting on his bed, on what was Kellin's side of the bed before, not paying attention to whatever was on TV because the pain in his chest wouldn't go away still and maybe he should have taken down the pictures of them on the closet and on the nightstand. Maybe he shouldn't sleep facing the nightstand with the picture of them on their third date, looking so happy with the sunset behind them, the thought that sunsets have always been Kellin's favorite view on his mind. Maybe he should change his phone lockscreen that still has on a stolen picture of he and Kellin, wrapped up in a blanket together by the bonfire back in their fifth and last summer together. Maybe he could try a little harder to let go.

But he just couldn't.

God, he wished he could see Kellin again. It's been so long since he's seen the face he used to wake up to every day, since he's smelt the smell that always stayed stuck on his pillow after he got up from bed but by now has faded away completely, since he's touched the smooth ivory skin that he used to pepper kisses on whenever he felt like it, since he's heard the voice that every day told him he loved him too.

He wanted to run his fingers through Kellin's soft black hair again and stare into his eyes, blue-green hue that became his favorite color in the world, and kiss the pink lips that would let adorable little giggles past whenever he'd kiss them for too long.

He missed the lips that made him fly.

But the hardest part for him was letting go of the nights they shared, falling asleep with Kellin gathered up into his arms; letting go of the times he'd hear Kellin talk in his sleep sometimes and more often than you'd think, he'd hear his name. The bed was big and cold and there was so much space that he didn't want to use. Sometimes, when nights got too hard for him to handle, when the memories spent on the bed he sat on at the moment were too hard to remember, he'd grab a couch cushion and just sleep on the floor. Everything reminded him of Kellin but he'd rather remember the good times they shared than reply the moment of their break-up in his head.

The constant noise of the television irritated him but he'd rather have it on than lie on the bed in silence because silence reminded him of every night they'd lie in bed just looking at each other, not saying anything. His arm would wrap protectively around Kellin's waist, holding him as close as possible and Kellin's hand would be on his chest, index finger drawing little patterns. Saying anything would just ruin the moment. They were just content with enjoying each other's presence, soaking up the feelings stirring in their heart that they had for each other. Soaking up how well and truly in love they were with each other.

Seeing Kellin leave for good truly was the hardest thing he has ever had to do in his entire life. He begged and he begged and he was on his knees on the floor and 'please, Kellin, don't go,' countless 'I love you's' slipping out of his mouth in a rapid face and he was even hugging Kellin's legs close to him just so that he wouldn't leave. He was so desperate and pathetic but he knew there was nothing he could do. It was happening and it was his fault.

There was constantly an empty void in his heart now and he wanted to fix it

But Kellin had moved on. He's with someone else now, someone named Jack who was tall and handsome and as he could see on Facebook, funny with a great personality. Someone much, much better than Vic. It was okay. Kellin deserved someone like Jack but the mere thought of someone else making Kellin probably even happier than he had made him made each broken piece of Vic's heart crack into two.

He'd always been the stronger one between them. Funny how after two years, Vic was still moping and Kellin was perfectly happy laughing with someone else and kissing someone else's lips and his arms around someone else's neck, being swept off his feet by someone else. He was doing everything he had been doing with Vic. Except with someone else.

Vic heard the tone of his notifications on his phone go off and he took it hesitantly, this time staring at his lockscreen behind the notification before actually reading the notification. It was from Twitter. He had it so that each of Kellin's tweets were a notification on his phone and he probably shouldn't have done it. But he probably shouldn't have cheated on Kellin either but he still did.

He opened the tweet and he wished he hadn't.

Kellin Quinn
@JackBarakat If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it! :) #Engaged

With it was a picture of Kellin's hand, a ring perfectly placed on his pale finger. The exact finger that Kellin got a cut on when he was cutting vegetables and Vic remembers kissing it to make it better. In fact, he could still see the scar of the cut there. It was faint but even with the shitty camera quality, he could see it.

He wanted to cry, he really did, but he already cried everything in him. There were no tears left. So all the tears that he wanted to cry turned into an awful, physical ache that cored from his chest and he truly believed then that you could die from a broken heart.

And as if his fingers wanted his heart to break even more, they started tapping away at his phone screen to his message inbox. And his thumb seemed to have a mind of its own as it scrolled down and he read them all. All the messages from Kellin. They didn't text that often because they were almost always together but there used to always be 'good morning' texts from Kellin even though they were right next to each other.

It was just one of the cute little things he did and Vic would always ask him why he'd always be texting him 'good morning' when he had already greeted him in person. Kellin would just shrug and say, "Maybe one day, I'd be on a trip without you or something and I won't be here to say good morning when you wake up. If that happens, you have my previous good mornings from me on your phone and I've established that ten good morning texts equal one real good morning."

Vic would look at him, confused and Kellin would just roll his eyes. "You don't get it, do you?"

And Vic would shake his head no, all with a smile on his face because Kellin was just so fucking cute. Kellin would smile too and kiss Vic lightly on the lips and he'd pull away. "Would you rather I not text you every morning?"

"No, no, I like your texts. They always come with a cute little heart emoji at the end," Vic would say and Kellin would have called Vic an idiot if Vic didn't always kiss the word away and then tell him he loved him right after pulling away.

And that's just what Vic wants to do now. He wants to tell Kellin he loved him. Just one last time. So he taps on his phone to send a message and he puts Kellin's number in, the number he could recite in his sleep.

I still love you, he types slowly, as if remembering how to spell each word before tapping on the letters.

If he pressed send, he didn't know if he'd get a reply. If he pressed send, he didn't know if Kellin would call him and give him a whole rant saying that they're over, though he secretly wanted that rant because he'd get to hear that beautiful voice again. He didn't know what would happen if he pressed send, his mind going into a complete blank but nonetheless, he tapped on send and immediately dropped his phone on the bed as if it were going to explode after he hit send and suddenly, he's pulled back into his teenage years when he and Kellin were fresh out of senior year and were just shy lovers who would nervously wait for the other to text back.

But he could only wish it were that simple this time.

The minutes ticked on and Vic found himself growing more and more nervous and he didn't even know if Kellin was going to reply or not. Hell, Kellin could just be laughing at the message with his new. . .fiance. The word sounded bitter in Vic's mind. But only because it wasn't a pronoun for him.

He wished he and Kellin had been together long enough for them to call each other that. And soon, marry and be together for the rest of their life. That's all Vic wanted. He only wanted for Kellin to be his forever.

The bitter claws of regret made their way around Vic again as he reminded himself that it was his fault. He was the one who cheated. He was the one who let Kellin feel as if he weren't good enough. He was the one who broke Kellin's heart in the first place and if he was capable of doing that so mindlessly and so effortlessly as if it were nothing then, he didn't deserve a second chance. He deserved this. He deserved to have his heart broken forever for what he did to Kellin. He deserved to ache with longing forever because he knew he would never fall in love with anyone else ever again.

His heart belonged to Kellin and Kellin only. Forever. Even though Kellin didn't want him anymore.

He was startled when his ringtone went off and he quickly grabbed his phone and oh my god Kellin replied. He quickly opened the message.

I still love you too.