Letting Go of the Nights

He felt as if he could float. Like every tear he has ever shed never existed because Kellin still loved him. Kellin Quinn still loved him and right now, he could dance and his cheeks hurt from smiling so wide and his heart fluttered at the very thought that Kellin still loved him. All he wanted to do was go over to wherever Kellin was and kiss the fuck out of him just like what he always wanted to do. Just like in his dreams where he and Kellin were happy and together and smothered in love. He read the text over and over again and it was absolutely crazy how fast his mood changed.

Vic, I think we need to talk. I'll be there at ten tomorrow. Is that okay?

The next text caught Vic off guard but at it, he smiled even wider. He quickly texted back a 'yes' and he was going to see Kellin tomorrow. He could hardly wait. He couldn't wait to pull Kellin into his arms again and hold his hand and marvel at how well their bodies fit together, like they were made for each other and this beautiful feeling in his chest told him they were. He couldn't wait to be able to kiss the soft pink lips that always had his heart beating fast and his breathing hitch but. . .but Kellin was engaged.

And suddenly, his whole world fell apart quickly.

Kellin wasn't his. Kellin still loved him but he wasn't his. Kellin still loved him but he was engaged to someone else who wasn't him. He loved Kellin and Kellin loved him, and it still made Vic's heart pound saying that, but they couldn't be together.

His situation now hurt a lot more now because he wasn't the only one suffering here anymore, Kellin was too and Vic would rather not be loved back than have Kellin get hurt by loving him when they can't even be together. He absolutely hated when Kellin got hurt because he didn't deserve it at all. Kellin deserved the world and Vic wanted to be the one to give him that.

He wondered what Kellin was thinking now. He'd kill to know what was going on in that pretty little head. Maybe he was thinking of what to say to him tomorrow when they'd see each other after two whole years. It was crazy, really, that he survived without seeing Kellin that long. Would he still look the same? Because pictures look different from the real person. Would his eyes still be as beautiful as ever? Well, Kellin's eyes have always been beautiful and they always will be. Would he still smell the same? Or would the scent of Jack be mingled in with Kellin's usual scent? And that thought made Vic's heart sink.

But he didn't want to think like this anymore. All that mattered was that tomorrow, he'd get to see the love of his life. The sooner he fell asleep, the sooner he'd get to see Kellin so he fell back on his bed and before he fell asleep, he swore he could still smell a trace of Kellin in the sheets. But maybe it was just in his head, just like Kellin always is.

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"It's not that hard, Kells," Vic said, taking Kellin's hand gently in his. Kellin jerked his hand away quickly and turned his back from Vic, a pout forming on his lips. Vic rolled his eyes at this and stepped in front of Kellin, taking both of his hands this time, fingers interlocked. "Don't be stubborn, come on."

Kellin's plush bottom lip just jut out further and standing there all dressed up with a black tuxedo and a cute little bowtie, Vic thought Kellin looked absolutely fucking adorable. Vic was dressed similarly, seeing as this was Jenna's birthday party and she was rich as hell so of course she wanted a ball, but he didn't look half as good as Kellin did.

"I don't know how to dance. I won't do it," Kellin said and Vic just brought one of Kellin's hands up to his lips and kissed the back of it softly. He pulled Kellin closer to him and said, "I'll teach you. It's easy."

"No, you can't teach me here. There are people watching and they'll make fun of me if I do something wrong," Kellin said looking up at Vic, pout still on his face.

Vic shook his head, chuckling. "It's okay. These snooty people are too caught up in themselves to look at you."

"They're just not looking at me because I'm super ugly. I mean, look at these people! Jenna has really pretty friends, I feel so out of place," Kellin said, looking down at the shiny wooden floor. Vic let go of Kellin's hand and tilted the boy's chin up with his thumb and index finger, forcing Kellin to look up at him.

"What are you talking about? You're the most beautiful thing in this room," Vic smiled, showing off his pearly teeth. Kellin just blushed and Vic couldn't help but kiss each pink cheek. "And don't change the subject, I'm going to teach you how to dance whether you like it or not."

Kellin huffed and Vic just led him over to the dance floor where several other couples were dancing to a mellow song played by the string orchestra on a raised platform somewhere in the room.

Vic turned his attention back to Kellin who was nervously chewing on his lip. "Okay, now all you have to do is put your hand here," Vic took the pale hand in his and guided it to his shoulder, "and the other one in mine," he interlaced their fingers and Kellin smiled up at him slightly when he squeezed his hand comfortingly.

Vic put his hand on Kellin's waist. "Okay, now I step forward and you step back, okay?"

Kellin nodded and then Vic put a foot forward. And Kellin stepped back. "Okay, now you step forward and I step back. And we just keep doing that. That's it."

Kellin smiled, "Really?"

"Yeah. Easy, right?" Vic said.

Kellin nodded and they stayed like that for a while, moving back and forth in time with the music but it seemed like they were moving on their own and that the music was keeping up with them.

At that moment, everything was truly perfect. Every now and then, he'd squeeze Kellin's waist lightly and he'd let out a barely audible squeak every time. Kellin's fingers slotted against his and he could almost feel the pulse in the pale boy's soft hand with how perfectly their hands fit together. Vic couldn't help but twirl Kellin a few times and Kellin seemed to like it because he was smiling and laughing as he turned around in Vic's grasp. Vic couldn't help but be in a trance as Kellin smiled at him through their dance. His smile was beautiful. His perfect pink lips parted to make way for pearly white teeth and his eyes just lit up, brighter than every color you could think of. Kellin's just perfect.

All of a sudden, he felt someone pulling Kellin away from him. His fingers that touched the fabric of the younger boy's suit jacket and held tightly on to Kellin's soft hands were now grasping onto nothing.

He looked up to see Kellin being pulled by the collar by who he recognized as Jack.

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When he opened his eyes in the morning, he sat up immediately, eyes wide. It was just a dream. He sighed, running his hand through his hair frantically. It wasn't the first time he's had a dream about Kellin. He thought he would have gotten used to strange dreams like that now. In a way though, Vic liked those dreams because it was the only time he could see Kellin smiling and laughing and well and truly his.

And now today, he would see Kellin again in a place other than his dreams and that made him get up quickly, whipping his head around to the nightstand to look at the time. It was already half past nine. Kellin would be here in half an hour and he still looked like shit, hair mussed up and all over the place and clothes crumpled from sleep.

He quickly changed his clothes and brushed his teeth and combed his hair before putting a hat over it because it wouldn't tame and really, of all the days to have a bad hair day, it'd be the day he was seeing Kellin again.

It was three minutes to ten when he sat down in front of the TV in the living room, a bowl of cereal in one hand and a spoon in the other, watching some action movie on HBO. His eyes glanced at the clock every now and then though and it really was stupid because Kellin wouldn't be at his door at ten sharp. If he knew Kellin, he was always late to things like, very late. He always took so much time meticulously fixing his hair in the morning and it didn't matter where Kellin Quinn was going, it always, always took him long to pick out what he was going to wear. It was adorable whenever they'd go to parties and Kellin would always ask him if he looked okay. He knew Vic would say okay every single time because Kellin always did look okay. He always looked better than okay, even.

One minute to ten and he heard a knock on the door but it couldn't be Kellin, it wasn't even ten yet and even if it was, he doubted Kellin would be there on time. But he got up lazily, and opened the door.

And it was Kellin.

And he was surprised because really, this has been the only thing Kellin had ever been early for.

He had a shy smile displayed by his plump pink lips, a jacket that was obviously too big for him hung loosely over his shoulders and his fingers twirled his hair around, a nervous habit Vic knew Kellin had and he was so glad he still had it, so glad that Kellin was here and still stunningly gorgeous in front of him and it took all his willpower not to wrap his arms around Kellin's waist like he used to and check if Kellin still smelt the same and wow, why has he just been standing there for like thirty seconds staring at Kellin like an idiot?

"Hi Vic," Kellin said. Vic's heart fluttered when his name sounded like Kellin's tongue had caressed it before letting it fall off his lips. Whenever Kellin said his name, he swore if the sound of it could fall to the floor, it would be a work of art.

Vic coughed, composing himself and standing up a bit straighter, "Hey. Uh, come in. It's cold out. I'll uh, get you some hot chocolate."

Kellin simply nodded, causing some of his hair to fall over his face and god, how Vic wanted to brush the soft hair out of the younger boy's eyes, hand staying on Kellin's cheek afterward and leaning in to kiss him. Just like always. But he couldn't do that right now.

As Vic made the hot beverage for him, Kellin sat on the couch gingerly, as if he had never spent many nights cuddling on it eating pizza and watching dumb movies with Vic. And he looked around the apartment as if he'd never seen it, as if he had never sat on the kitchen counter, swinging his legs over it and humming while Vic finished cooking pancakes in the morning.

"Not much changed around here, huh?" Kellin said after a while of Vic preparing in the kitchen.

Vic nodded, unable to take his eyes off Kellin as he sat down beside him and gave him the mug of hot chocolate. "Yeah, yeah."

Kellin took a sip from it, and almost smiled when it was as hot Vic knew he liked it. With exactly three marshmallows on top, just how he liked it.

". . .I. . .I didn't really want to change anything," Vic said, "after. . .you know, after you left."

Kellin turned his head to Vic, silent for a while. "Yeah, uh, about my text. . .Vic, I'm engaged-"

"You love me," Vic said, the truth that he knows ringing out from every syllable as he said it. The room was silent as he looked at Kellin, the younger boy's expression unreadable as the blue-green eyes stared right back at him. Eventually, Kellin looked away from him, gaze fixated on the couch on the space between them.

"Look, Vic, it was-"

"You love me, Kellin," Vic said and he sounded as if he was desperately pleading, as if he was trying to convince himself, "And I still love you. I still love you so, so much, did you know that?" Kellin still wouldn't meet his eyes.

"It's been two years. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Kellin, I love you. I love you past tense and present tense and future tense and for fuck's sake, forever tense."

And then Kellin looked up at him.

"You don't understand, Vic. We can't be together," Kellin said and his voice almost cracked at the end.

"I just want you to be happy."

"And I am happy. Jack is a wonderful person. He loves me and he makes me happy," Kellin said, looking away from Vic again.

Vic knew this. He knew Jack was great and he treated Kellin right. He could see the smiles on both of their faces in pictures and how happy they were. Jack wouldn't cheat on Kellin, he wouldn't trade Kellin for anyone in the world. But he just had to know one thing.

"Does he make you happier than I did?"

And then the tears that pooled at the corners of Kellin's eyes finally fell. Vic knew because dark spots appeared on Kellin's blue jeans. He could hear the little whimpers coming out of Kellin's mouth and it just crushed Vic's heart to see him like this. He always hated seeing Kellin cry. He couldn't even stop himself from what he did next.

He pulled Kellin to him and he felt as if he would burst from nostalgia. The sensations hit all at once. He smelled the same, his hair against his head felt as soft as before, he held him exactly the way he used to when Kellin cried, hand rubbing circles on his back the way he knew would comfort him the most. Kellin's head rested on his shoulder and it fit as well as it used to. Vic just held Kellin against him as close as he could and fuck, this is what he's been wanting for two years, Kellin pressed up against him close and Kellin's scent filling his lungs and the smooth skin of Kellin's cheek on his shoulder and just Kellin.

"Don't cry, please. I hate it when you cry," Vic said gently. Quietly. As if Kellin would run out the door if he had said it any louder. He held Kellin tighter as he cried into his chest. The younger boy pulled out of his hold and looked at him, tears streaming down his face and eyes red.

"I love you," Kellin said quietly. As if it were a secret he's been keeping for a long time and this is the first time he's ever told anybody. "I've tried for so long to get over you and I thought I could learn to love Jack. But. . .it's always just been you. It would always be back to you."

Vic wiped the tears streaming down Kellin's cheeks as he spoke, "And I hate it. I hate it so much that I still love you after so long because Jack. . .he's wonderful. He wouldn't ever hurt me but you did, Vic."

And just like that, Vic's heart filled with guilt and regret and so much self-hate. He was right. He hurt him and he didn't deserve his love at all. He didn't deserve Kellin and Kellin deserved so much more than him. He had to let go of him no matter how hard it was. It's for Kellin's own good.

"You should be with Jack. Please, stop thinking about me. You don't deserve me. I hurt you and you don't deserve anyone who would ever do what I did to you," Vic let go of the younger boy, hands now on his lap and away from Kellin, "You should go. . .before Jack worries where you are."

But Kellin just wrapped his arms around Vic, holding on tight, desperately. He cried into Vic's chest and maybe it was by instinct and he knew he shouldn't have done it but Vic brought Kellin into an embrace, wrapping his arms around the boy's waist again.

"No. . .p-please don't. . .don't make me leave. I-I missed you," Kellin said, sounding so broken and weak and Vic simply did not have the heart to tell him to leave. Not when he was like this.

Kellin moved to sit on Vic's lap and his arms were around Vic's neck as he sobbed into his shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, Vic's arms tight around Kellin's petite figure and in a way, this all felt normal again. It was like back to two years ago when they'd have a petty little fight and they'd make up and cuddle on the couch with accepted apologies and the feeling of kisses lingering on their lips. But it's different now.

Vic admired how their bodies fit so well together, Kellin filling in all the spaces of his body perfectly. Like pieces of a puzzle. He hugged Kellin closer to him. Right now, it felt like nothing in the world mattered except the person in their arms.

Vic was so overcome by how much he loved this boy with his bright blue-green eyes and his smooth porcelain skin and the sound of his beautiful voice like a lullaby that he just had to say it. "I love you."

The three words, having been spoken so many times already, hung into the silence in the air just perfectly, the sound of it enveloping them in a warm blanket.

"I love you too," Kellin said back. It still amazed Vic to know that Kellin loved him too. How could such a flawless, beautiful boy love him back? Why did Kellin even choose him in the first place? Kellin was perfect and Vic was just. . .plain and boring and surely not right for him but the way Kellin filled the spaces between his fingers told him that they were made for each other. He loved Kellin and Kellin loved him and right now, that's all that matters. They fell into a comfortable silence as Vic swayed them side to side slightly, because he knew Kellin loved when he did that.

"I'm gonna call the engagement off," Kellin said after a while. He pulled away to look at Vic who had a shocked expression on his face.

"Kells but. . .that's not fair to Jack-"

"Well, it isn't fair to me if I keep being with him when I don't even love him!" Kellin said, frowning.

"I know, I know that's not fair either but. . ." Vic sighed.

Kellin's expression softened and he put a hand on Vic's shoulder gently. "What is it?"

"Jack's a nice guy and he would never ever do what I did to you. I'm just thinking. . .you deserve him, Kellin, not someone like me." Vic looked away from Kellin.

When Kellin kissed his cheek, his head snapped back up. "Vic, don't say that. I forgive you for what you did, I do. You were just drunk and stupid and not in your right mind. It hurt a lot, honestly, when I saw you kissing him but. . .you'd never do it again, right?"

Kellin looked hopeful and Vic took Kellin's hands in his. "Of course not, I wouldn't dream of it. It's my single biggest regret. Kellin, after that, I couldn't even look at anyone else. You've always been it for me and I really am sorry for what I did. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

The corners of Kellin's lips lifted in a small curve. "I forgive you, don't worry about it please."

Vic smiled a bit wider than Kellin, squeezing the boy's hands, which were noticeably smaller than his, gently. "Okay."

"I'm gonna break up with him, Vic. I want to be with you."

"But don't you feel sorry for him? He really loves you and I can't tell he put so much time and effort into making you happy."

"Yes, he did and I really do appreciate that. He made me smile when no one else could. He's a great guy but he deserves someone who loves him just as much as he loves them and I'm not that, Vic," Kellin said. "You've always been it for me and I'm pretty sure that no matter what I do, I'll always go back to you."

Vic felt like he could just pick Kellin up right now and start dancing across the little living space. His heart soared and anything negative had been removed because they have hope. They could be together again finally. He'd be able to wake up to Kellin's beautiful face everyday and have him in his arms whenever he wanted and kiss him and hold him and love him as much as he deserved to be loved.

Vic smiled widely, effortlessly and then, "I'll always go back to you too, Kellin."

He leaned in and for the first time in two years, he felt Kellin's lips on his. And everything else in the world melted away except for Kellin, Kellin, Kellin. Because only Kellin mattered and right now, as their lips moved together with everything they felt for each other poured into it, the only word that could almost come close to describing this moment and every moment after was magic.