The Pain of Remembering

Derick Brassard POV:

I sat in the car impatiently for John to show up so I could go home and put ice on my tailbone again.

“Where is your father, Lexi?” I muttered, searching the crowd for him. He finally walked out carrying chocolates and some flowers. “Since when can you get those at an airport?”

“Hey, Brass! Sorry, the plane landed a bit late.” John said as he came into the car.

“Good goal last night, champ.” I told him with a playful punch in the arm.

“You ready to see mommy for her birthday, my little princess?” John asked, turning around and tickling his daughter in the backseat.

“Johnny, I have some bad news for you.” I whispered to him as we started the journey home.

“What is it?” He replied, looking at me nervously.

“Your wife passed away last night… a few minutes before you scored that goal… I’m sorry, Junior, I didn’t want to be the one to tell you…” I trailed off; looking in the back seat to make sure Lexi was still playing with the dolls she brought.

“She’s dead? They were supposed to call me!” John hissed, tears already forming in his eyes.

“I told them not to. I wanted you to celebrate the night. You scored for the first time in a while and the team won. I wasn’t ruining that for you.” I explained. He was sobbing now. The flowers and chocolates had been dropped on the floor, forgotten as his world crashed down around him. His hands were covering up his face in an attempt to hide this from his daughter but she noticed.

“Is Daddy okay?” Lexi asked me. She leaned forward and patted her father’s arm.

“He’ll be fine, Alexis, just play with your dolls.” I answered, patting Johnny’s shoulder.

John Moore POV:

Once we were at my apartment Alexis went to take her nap and Brass sat with me in the living room until I finally calmed down.
“I can’t believe she’s gone.” I told him in disbelief as I gave him an ice pack which he put on his tailbone. “I have to plan a funeral at 23! That shouldn’t be happening!”

“I know, John, I know. But you knew it would happen eventually.” Brass replied sadly.

“Yes, but not this soon. How am I supposed to explain it to her?” I gestured to my daughter’s room.

“Do it as easily as you can.” Brass advised me.

“Daddy!” I heard her call as she waddled down the hall. I should just tell her now.

“Princess, Daddy needs to tell you something.” I told her. I pulled her into my lap and sighed. “Mommy… has gone away…”

“Where did she go?” She asked me, looking up with a face full of confusion.

“…Somewhere we can’t visit her… Far far away…” I explained.

“Is she going to come back?” Lexi questioned, tears staining her cheeks.

“No, I’m afraid not, sweetheart.” I said as I held her close. She began to sob into my shoulder and the tears came flooding from my eyes too again.

This all has to be a dream. I just have to wake myself up and I’ll be next to my wife again. She’ll be sleeping next to me peacefully; Lexi will be across the hall in her room sleeping as well. This nightmare will be over and everything will be back to normal.

I held her in my arms for what felt like hours crying. She didn’t even truly get what was going on but even she realized that her mother was gone. She had seen her more than I had in her final week.

It hit me right there and then. I was a widower with a daughter to take care of. How would that work out with my schedule the way it is? I wasn’t ready to be a single dad. Not at 23 with at least another good ten years left in my career. She’d be growing up practically parentless, a nanny the only person home. Maybe I could convince AV to let her travel with the team. She wouldn’t cause too much trouble, but what happens when she has to start going to school?

“I want Mommy back,” Lexi wailed, sniffling as she wiped her tears away.

“I know, Alexis. I want, Mommy back too.” I told her, wiping away the last of them with the pad of her thumb.

“You guys need to stop crying. It’s making my cry too just watching you guys.” Brass said from across the room, wiping his own tears away.

“Why don’t you give Uncle Derick a hug?” I whispered in Alexis’ ear. She climbed down from my lap and walked over to Derick. She crawled onto his lap and gave him a big hug.

“Hey, Alexis, do you want to help Daddy plan for Mommy’s going away party? You can pick out the flowers.” I explained, hoping that might cheer her up a little bit.

She nodded slightly as she curled up by Brass’ side and started watching one of her favorite shows.