It All Starts with Tragedy

We've been here for a bit now, and I gotta say,  Ashley was right about his family. Lindsey and her husband, Adam, are wonderful people and their children are great. I'm pulled out of my thoughts by a pull on my shirt.

"Andy?" Sara questions

Oh! I forgot Ash and I are at the near by park with Sara and Kyle.

"Yeah?"

"Will you lift me onto the top of the fireman's pole? Ashley can't reach.."

With a nod and a smile she guides me over to the pole. Sara lifts her arms up to me so I pick her up and gently put her by the top. Just then Ashley runs over to me and pulls at the bottom of my shirt. I give him a confused look, pulling me closer he whispers,

"Lifting Sara your shirt went up and showed your scars and let's just say some are not completely healed."

"Shit, they didn't see did they?"

But before he can reply Kyle interrupts him, asking,

"Andy, why are there cuts on you? Are you hurt?"

What am I supposed to say? Like, yeah, I find sadistic joy in causing myself pain that scars my body forever, but don't do it because it ruins your life! I look at Ashley with large watery eyes. Ash comes closer to me, putting his hand on my scarred hip, pulling me closer to him.

"Ash? Is your boyfriend okay?!" Sara says walking over

"No there are ouches on his side." Kyle informs

I cuddle even closer to my love, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Ash quickly kisses my forehead and says,

"No no Kyle, Andy is okay."

"Then why does he have ouches?"

I could tell even Ashley didn't know what to say.

"Because, you see uh, at some point, everyone's life gives them battles to face, some harder than others, and some people win their battles without a scratch and some get wounds...or ouches and my battle was hard and I got hurt on the way, but I'm okay now." I try to explain

With a nod from both children they seem satisfied with my answer.

" Does that mean one of us will get ouches?" Sara asks

"No no you two are very strong warriors, like your cousin here, you two will not get ouches from battle, I'm positive you'll be fine." I reply

With a bright smile they both nod and run back to the play set. Ashley hugs me tight and nuzzles his face into my chest. He lays a quick kiss on my lips and says,

"I'm so proud of you. I wouldn't have thought of explaining it that way."

"Thank you, your pride means so much to me."

"I love you baby."

I kiss him again and say,

"I love you too Ashy."

~Time laps~ That night @ dinner

I can't stop thinking of the look on Kyle's face when he saw my scars. Ashley usually hides most of his emotions on the topic, putting on a strong front, for me probably, but those kids didn't do that. Little kids don't hide emotion, I believe that's why it's stuck in my head, because the only one who has actually seen them is Ash and he controls what emotions are visible on his face. What is it really like from the other end of the stick? Being the one who sees self inflicted scars and gashes on someone you know or someone you love. Now thinking about it that way it tears me apart thinking of all the different reactions and feelings I put Ash through that he doesn't show me, the emotions I'd put others through if they ever knew or saw, Jake, Jinxx, and Chuppy, or my mother, if she ever saw them I could only imagine.....

"Andy?" Sara questions, breaking me from my daze.

"Uh, yeah?"

"Why are you not eating? Isn't it yummy?"

"Yeah Andy, are you alright?" Lindsey speaks.

"Yeah....it's uh, just...." I mumble stumbling over words.

Giving up I look down at my lap, mentally cursing myself. I squeeze my eyes shut but can't keep them shit for very long without seeing the worried face of Kyle, the look on Ashley's after the first time he cleaned up my wounds, the single tear that rolled down his face. My eyes fly open when I feel someone touch me. Opening my eyes I see Ashley has his hand on my back, his fingers tangling with the ends of my hair. I slowly look over at him, my head still down. He scans my face before speaking,

"Come with me for a moment."

I nod my head and we stand up leaving the table. He reaches and grabs my hand guiding me to the porch. We sit done on the steps and he pulls me closer, tucking me under his arm.

"What's wrong?" He asks.

"Earlier, at the park, the look on his face, it won't leave my head. It got me thinking about how I know you don't let me see how seeing those marks effects you, I know you hold back from showing all your emotions on the topic but kids don't hold in reactions or emotions. Thinking of how I'd feel if it was the other way around, it's terrifying, I couldn't imagine."

He just sits there for a moment just watching me fold into him more with gentle eyes.

"Andy...." He mumbles

I feel his fingertips dance on my shoulder.

"You're right, I do mask my emotions about your self harm."

"Why?"

"Because, I'll be honest with you, it kills me Andy. It kills me to see you do that to yourself. Knowing someone you love as much as I love you sees self harm as the only way to cope or make themselves feel better, it's heartbreaking. When you do that to yourself I want nothing more than to hug you tightly and make all your terrible negative feelings disappear, but I can't and that hurts. Knowing no matter what I can't make you feel better, it eats at me. Then seeing them is even worse because I'm faced with them and no matter what all of my feelings come pushing to the top, but I refuse to show my feelings about them to you because I'm scared to set you off, make you feel bad about it like I know you would."

By the end Ashley has his head resting on mine and is tracing patterns on my arm.

" You always make me feel better Ashy, I'm sorry I make you feel that way. When we first started dating I told myself I'd quite for you, so that you'd never have to feel like that."

"I know, and I'm thankful you tried."

"That's the problem Ash, I tried, I didn't succeed. I still cut and you still have to deal with it, I sometimes don't see why you deal with me, but you do."

He lays a kiss on my head and replies,

"Because I love you Andrew, more than anything."

"I love you too Ashy, so much. I'm sorry..."

"It's okay baby."

I pull his mouth to mine and connect our lips. After we pull away Ashley tangles his fingers into my semi short hair with a soft smirk on his lips.

"Ashy?"

"Hm?"

"I do have one.... question."

"What is it?"

"Well, um....when you were talking I couldn't help but to catch that you said seeing my scars....well makes you upset....does- "

By then I'm stumbling over my words but Ashley cuts me off.

"I know what you're trying to ask. It's hard to explain, yeah they sadden me but at the same time I'm thankful that I'm faced with scars and not a tombstone. They show how strong you are, you were strong enough to only go as far as you do. You're still breathing, I still get to hold you and feel the heat radiate from your body, hear your voice and see those amazing eyes. So yeah they upset me but they're apart of you and there is nothing nor no one I love more."

I simply smile in response and hug his midsection.

"Baby?"

"Hm?"

"How about tomorrow, we go ride horses?"

"But Ashy, I've never ridden a horse before...."

"I know, I'll help you."

"Promise you won't let me fall on my face or get attacked by a horse or some shit."

Ashley couldn't help but to laugh before answering me,

"I promise."

"Okay, in that case, sure."

He pecks my lips before standing up and putting his hand out to me. Grabbing his hand he helps me up and says,

"Come on, let's go finish our dinner."

Walking back to the dinning room we see that they are still eating. Lindsey looks at me and softly asks,

"Is everything alright Andy?"

"Yeah, everything is fine."

After everyone is done eating Lindsey asks to talk to me and I bring Ashley with me. She hasn't said anything about me bringing Ash with me so I'm guessing she doesn't mind. We go into a different room where no one else is.

"Andy, I know we don't know each other very well but I have to ask you about something the children mentioned while you two were absent from dinner." Lindsey says

I see Ashley's eyes get large and he pulls me closer to him, putting his arm around me, his hand resting over my wounded and scarred side. Please tell me she's not talking about what I think she is.

"It-its fine, what is the question?"

"Uh, Kyle mentioned something about uh...ouches from battle? Saying you had them on your side?"

A lump forms in my throat and my eyes become glassy. I don't want to talk about this anymore! Lindsey is very sweet and kind but I barely know her. Ashley pulls me closer to him and I can't help but to hide my face in his chest. I can't do this. It's too much. What will she think? She's not going to want her nephew dating a mess like me. I can't handle this. Everything was going so great until today!

"I'm sorry Lindsey." I mumble

"Ssshhh, Andy you're getting yourself worked up." Ashley whispers calmly

"No I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"Andy, breathe."

Listening to Ashley I begin to calm down.

"Ashy..."

"Hm?"

I can't believe I'm going to do this but I sort of have to.

"Move your hand off my hip."

After he does so I turn to Lindsey and lift my shirt showing not only my self harm but scars from Mathew. Her eyes get large and mouth falls.

"Who did that to you?!"

"Mathew did some.... but mostly myself."

She covers her mouth with her hand in silence. I knew it! Now she's going to tell Ashley to leave such a freak. My eyes begin to water and I turn and hide myself in Ashley's chest. He holds me close saying sweet nothings. I want it. I crave it. I drop the side of my shirt and grab onto Ashley's tightly.

"Who's Mathew?"

"He.... kidnapped and torchered Andy for two weeks. He's now in prison for kidnapping and attempted murder." Ashley explains softly, you could tell he didn't like talking about it.

It's getting hard to breathe and control myself. A part of me wants to run to the kitchen retrieving a knife and blissfully carve into my skin. Watching the blood trickle down my pale skin then cascading to the floor. Creating a mark that would put the largest of Mathew's to shame. To decorate my torso with bright red lines.

"Ashy..."

"What, are you okay?"

"Ashy...I want it. I want it so much."

He puts my face in his hands and I do everything I can not to look at him.

"Andrew, look at me." He says sternly

I slowly set my eyes on him, only to see the worry in his eyes. Keeping one hand under my chin he tangles his fingers in my hair.

"You don't need to do that."

"But-"

He cuts me off and says,

"Andrew Dennis Biersack, the last thing you need to do is hurt yourself like that. Think about how those scars you already have make you feel, they hold you back, do you really want to create more of them?"

Loosening my grip on his shirt I think about what he said looking down at my fabric covered torso then back at Ash.

"No, I don't want more."

"Exactly. Look I know you're scared and uneasy right now but you're okay. I know what's going on in that head of yours but baby, I'm not going anywhere and Lindsey isn't going to look at you any differently."

I loose my grip on his shirt and wrap my arms around his waist. I burry myself in his chest, making it so there is no space between us as I feel Ashley's arms protectively hold me to his body.

"I'm so sorry I shouldn't have mentioned it, dear God." Lindsey apologizes

"It's okay aunt Lindsey, you hadn't a clue what Kyle was talking about let alone the effects of the topic." I hear Ashley explain

"Is he alright?"

"He'll be okay."

I'm only half paying attention as I am trying to put my shit back together. Out of no where the thought of how good Ash smells pops in my head, it is a bit, scratch that, very comforting. I then hear the movement of someone leaving, I imagine it's Lindsey.

"Andy?"

"Hm?"

"You alright now?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry about this."

"It's okay babe, really."

I pull away slightly to look at him and say,

"Fuck, I love you Ashy."

"I love you too baby, don't ever question that."

~Time laps~ Next day

"Are you sure about this Ashley?" I question for the millionth time

Ashley squeezes my hand and says,

"Yes, I'm sure about this. Stop worrying, everything will be perfectly fine."

"Whatever you say."

We then make it down to the horse stables. Making our way inside there are about a dozen horses. Letting go of my hand Ashley walks over to this tall medium brown horse with a black tail and mane. He brings it out of it's stall and motions me over after putting a satle and such on the animal. I'm not sure about this. Slowly I make my way over to Ashley and he pulls me towards him.

"You ready babe?"

"As ready as I'm going to be.  So, how do I even get up there?"

"You just put your foot in that and climb up."

With a nod I follow the instructions given. I get one foot in the ring thing then go to swing my leg over the horse slowly and almost fall back but Ashley stops my fall by grabbing my waist and ass. I regain my grip and lean forward grabbing onto the leash type thing on the horse.

"You okay?" Ashley asks

"Yeah."

But with that said he still didn't let go of my ass. Uumm...

"Baby, I know my ass is amazing but I can't exactly get on this animal with your hand on my ass like that."

"But baby, I love your ass." He pretends to whine

"I'm glad you do but if you want me to get on this horse you have to let go."

He playfully slaps my ass with a laugh and says,

"True. Now get up there til I have you ride something else."

Shaking my head with a smile, he makes sure to get in every perverted moment he can I swear then making it into a sitting position I look down at Ash.

"Now just stay still for a second."

With that he walks away. What the hell?! Just as I begin to truly panic, he reappears into my sight guiding another horse over.

"Don't look so scared, I wasn't gonna leave you or something." He jokes.

I simply stick my tongue out at him. After getting the horse ready he gets on and says,

"Okay, now all you have to do is lean forward for a moment until the horse starts moving then guide him with the rains (A.N. I spelled that wrong, I know.) and your good."

As he says this he does it and I attempt to mimic his movements. To my shock it works and I'm not thrown off and on my ass in the dirt.

"See it's not that hard."

I just smile as we make our way out of the barn.

After about an hour Ashley gets down and helps me not fall on my face getting down. He sits down in the grass and asks,

"Hey baby, can you see if there is anything in the pack on the horse?"

With a nod I check the horse he was on first and find nothing, shaking my head I go over to the one I was on and see nothing, oh wait, there is something in the very bottom. The last rider must have forgotten it. I pull it out to see it's a small string bag, about the size of my palm.

"All I can find is this little bag thing."

"Well, what is it?"

"I don't know."

"Look silly."

"But Ashley -"

"Would it make you feel better if I told you it's mine?"

"Yes, but- "

"Would I lie to you?"

"No..."

"Then open it goof, it's for you anyway."

I give him a puzzled look then begin to open the bag. It feels like there isn't anything large in here, something extremely small. I tilt the bag upside down so that the containments fall into my hand. Looking down and inspecting my eyes get large and mouth falls. Holy shit, you've got to be joking!

"Ashy...."