Being Wrong

Travis lay down on his bed, placed Artemis on his face, and made excited sounds into her chest fluff until she squirmed away in disgust.

Travis rolled onto his side and watched Artemis as she started pointedly grooming herself. “Charlie is my boyfriend.”

“Mrr,” Artemis said, because she was polite and knew how to participate in a conversation.

“And he kissed me,” Travis told her, even though she’d seen that for herself. “Goddamn, he’s cute.”

“Mrrw,” Artemis said, then placed a paw on his forehead to hold him still and started licking his cheek.

Travis shut his eyes and let her clean his face with her raspy, slightly fishy smelling tongue.

He’d been a little worried Charlie might not be completely sure about all this, or might have just been trying to give Travis what he wanted, but then that kiss… It had been brief, barely more than a peck, but it had been real.

Doubting Charlie had been stupid, anyway. He wasn’t the kind of guy to not know what he wanted or to be dishonest about it. Not like his relationship with Jax, which had been built entirely on Travis’ naivety and eagerness to please being taken advantage of.

Travis didn’t yet know what a relationship with Charlie would look like; whether it would be sexual, or just a slightly more intimate version of what they already had. The only thing he knew for sure, because he wouldn’t allow things to be any other way, was that it would be good. For both of them.

#

Travis was too buzzed to sleep well that night, and the next morning at exactly 7am he knocked on the door to Charlie’s grandparents’ house.

“Good morning, Travis,” Charlie’s grandma said when she opened the door. She sounded like she wasn’t sure if she found him amusing or annoying.

Either way, Travis was pretty sure she didn’t know he and Charlie’s relationship had changed, so Travis did his best not to smile too hard. If he let himself grin like he wanted to, she’d probably realise exactly what was up and suspect they’d been up to even more than they really had. “Is Charlie going to school today?”

“Why?”

“Well, if he’s going I’ll go too, and if he’s not we can stay in and have another movie day. So… I wanted to know so I’d know whether to get ready for school or not.

She frowned, though Travis didn’t know that that necessarily signaled disapproval. She seemed to do that a lot when she was thinking. “Well, I’m not sure yet what would be best. What do you think?”

“You could ask him if he felt up to going or not?” It was so obvious that it was hard to say it in a way that wasn’t a little insulting.

“Hmm.” She gave Travis a critical look. “Stay there.”

Travis stayed, and waited, as she shut the door in his face. He hummed to himself and rocked back on his heels.

A few minutes later she returned, and this time she opened the door wide and waved him in. “He wants to talk to you. He’s starting to look more himself again, at least.”

“Healing takes time,” Travis said. Sometimes a lot of time, and sometimes there were things that never really went away. Things that lingered at that back of your mind as a cold reminder of how dark the world could be, a permanent rewiring of your brain to keep you alert.

But mostly it was time and rest and love, and all that nice stuff.

Charlie was bundled under his blankets, his hair still mussed from sleep. He’d never looked more gorgeous. It was probably way too soon the be thinking about such things, but Travis ached with the desire to wake up next to that sleepy face.

Charlie grabbed Travis’ wrist and pulled him down - not for any specific purpose, just to have him closer.

“How are you feeling?” Travis asked as he leant down and kissed Charlie just above his eyebrow.

Charlie poked the tip of Travis’ nose like it was a button. “A bit better. Still tired.”

Travis snatched Charlie’s hand and kissed its palm when he pulled it away again. “Want to go to school today, or no?”

Charlie shrugged.

“It’s up to you. We’ll both do whatever you want.”

Travis wasn’t sure what the problem was, but he could see it building. Charlie wasn’t looking at him anymore and there was a slight tightness to his expression.

“I don’t know,” Charlie said carefully, quietly, but there was a fragility to his voice.

Travis didn’t know what to do because he didn’t understand what had gone wrong. Charlie had been warm and fine, and then Travis had asked him what he wanted to do and he was withdrawing.

Travis rolled onto his back so that he was no longer facing Charlie in case his proximity was just too overwhelming. “You’re upset and I’m not sure why.”

Charlie was silent and Travis was just starting to consider leaving, because clearly he’d fucked something up, when Charlie rolled over and buried his face against Travis’ chest. He curled in closer when Travis wrapped an arm around his back.

“I think you need another day off,” Travis suggested.

Charlie nodded against Travis’ chest. He felt so warm and soft.

“We can do that,” Travis told him, keeping his voice soft and quiet. “How about I make you pancakes for breakfast, then we watch another movie? Or I can get out my Stargate: Atlantis box set and we can do a marathon. Every young gay man deserves a healthy dose of Jason Momoa in their life.”

Travis listened to Charlie’s breathing, uneven, rough, and then slowly, slowly longer, deeper, smoother.

“I want pancakes,” Charlie said eventually.

“Okay.” Travis rubbed Charlie’s shoulder. “You want to go get ready, then we’ll go over to my place?” As much as Travis was enjoying the cuddling, he’d rather be doing it in his flat where nobody was likely to walk in on them. They could only be caught cuddling so many times before it became obvious exactly what was going on.

Charlie pushed himself up and gave Travis a rare smile. “Okay.”

Travis had no idea what had just happened, but Charlie seemed at ease again as he gathered clean clothes and headed off to take a shower.

#

Charlie sat on the kitchen counter in Travis’ flat, swinging his legs back and forth as he carefully stirred the pancake batter. He poked Travis’ leg with his toe as he walked past, then squirmed away laughing when Travis grabbed his foot. When Travis leaned closer, Charlie grabbed the sleeve of his shirt and pulled him in as he set the batter aside.

Travis had expected Charlie to be physically timid, but he wasn’t. When Charlie leant in, Travis met his lips with his own. Charlie’s mouth was so soft, and his lips parted immediately at the tentative press of Travis’ tongue. He tasted like toothpaste. His fingers clutched at Travis’ shirt. Travis pulled back before they got into boner territory.

Travis brushed hair away from Charlie’s eyes and let his fingers trail down the side of his face.

Charlie cringed, but before Travis could pull away Charlie reached his hand up and pressed Travis’ hand down firmly against his face. “Tickles.”

Travis raked his hand firmly through Charlie’s hair instead and got a smile in return. “I’m glad you told me when I did something you didn’t like. I don’t ever want to do anything you don’t want, okay?”

“Okay,” Charlie said, but Travis wasn’t sure he’d really understood what he was trying to say. He seemed more interested in examining the pockets on Travis’ jeans.

“I just mean, like… nothing matters to me as much as you being happy, you know? So I don’t want you to do anything just because you think I want you to or whatever.”

“Travis.” Charlie looked Travis directly in the eye, held his gaze for a moment, then looked away. “I’m not good at pretending to like things I don’t like. I’m very bad at it. You would know.”

Travis almost felt like he was going to cry as he wrapped his arms around Charlie and pulled him into a tight hug. It wasn’t always easy to tell what Charlie understood and what he didn’t, but he’d seen deep to the core of Travis’ fear and defused it.

Travis kissed the top of Charlie’s shower damp hair and gave him a smile as he leant back. “Let’s make these pancakes, then.”

#

Jason Momoa wasn’t actually in Stargate: Atlantis until season two, so Travis handed Charlie the DVD box and pointed him out before going to put season one on.

Charlie slowly chewed the small piece he’d cut out of his first pancake as he studied the picture on the front of the box. It wasn’t until Travis sat down next to him that he spoke. “He looks about as different from me as a human male could.”

He wasn’t wrong. Charlie was slender and pale and had a sense of fragility about him. Jason Momoa was… well, the opposite of all of those things. “You both have brown hair.”

Charlie glanced at the box then back to Travis. “Do you like brown hair?”

It was only then that Travis realised what Charlie was saying. Travis had implied he thought Jason Momoa was hot - which, well, who didn’t - and now Charlie was feeling insecure. Or maybe just confused. Sometimes he broadcasted his emotions plainly. Other times, like now, he was impossible to read.

“Lots of different people can be hot in different ways,” Travis explained. “Like - you like eggs and you like pancakes, right? You like them both even though they’re completely different.”

“Pancakes have eggs in them.” Charlie waved a hand in Travis’ direction before he could respond. “No, I understand. That makes sense.”

“I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who looked like that anyway. I mean, mostly because he’s like… in his thirties. That seemed like a way better idea a few years ago, before…”

Charlie ate another little square of pancake. Charlie rested his free hand on Travis’ knee.

Travis hadn’t talked about this with anyone, not really. Not even Robbie, who’d walked in on him and Jax and turned everything upside down. But somehow, with Charlie, it was easier. He didn’t make it a big deal. He didn’t get upset. But he was listening.

“I think, even now, I can’t really understand what happened,” Travis said quietly. He still hadn’t touched his own pancakes. The DVD was playing the title screen over and over. “The older I get, the more fucked up it seems. He was nineteen when we were… when it all happened. So, I think it’ll be another couple of years before I can really understand what he did and how wrong it was. I didn’t feel like a kid at the time, but now I look back and fourteen is so young.”

Charlie’s finger’s scratched at the denim over Travis’ knee. “You were worried you might do something I didn’t want, but you don’t seem like you’re worried I might do something you don’t want.”

“You’re not like him.”

Charlie looked at him. He didn’t make direct eye contact often and the blue of his eyes was so pretty it felt like it was healing Travis’ soul. “You know you’re not either, right?”

“Well, yeah, but… you know.” Travis gestured vaguely. He wasn’t sure he knew himself. “Maybe I’m not like him, but you’re kinda like I was when I was with him, I guess. You don’t know anything about relationships or sex, and everyone who was supposed to care about you has fucked it up. But… I think you’re right, you know. You couldn’t pretend to be okay with something you weren’t even if you wanted to, and I’m not like him - I wouldn’t do anything if I had any doubts about whether you’d be okay with it or not. Just…” Another vague gesture, more emphatic this time. “The idea that he could somehow touch you through me skeeves me out.”

“That’s okay.” Charlie picked at a loose thread on Travis’ jeans. “I mean, that you feel like that. There are lots of things I worry about as well, and I know that some of them or maybe even most of them aren’t things I really need to worry about, but I still do.”

Travis made a quiet sound in the back of his throat. In a strange way that helped. Maybe half his worry had just been him worrying about being worried. Now that it was out between them, it didn’t feel so big.

“Hey…” Travis said after a minute of silence. “This morning when I came by I asked you if you wanted to go to school or not and you seemed kinda upset. Did I do something wrong?”

“No, just…” Charlie tilted his head to the side and his brow tightened. “I don’t know. I know it shouldn’t have been a big deal, but it just felt like a lot to decide all at once when I just woke up. I guess I got overwhelmed.”

“No, shit, yeah, that makes sense.” Travis rubbed a hand over his face. “I think sometimes things don’t look as big to me as they feel to you, so I don’t always understand. I can still try, though, you know?”

“I know.” Charlie took his other hand back off Travis’ knee so that he could cut up another pancake. “I think I’ll go back to school tomorrow. I can’t afford to miss too much.”

“I’ll go too, then. If things get to be too much, you come and find me, okay?”

Charlie smiled as he sucked syrup off his thumb. “Okay.”