Somebody That I Used to Know

“What are you thinking about?”

Madeline’s voice broke the weed filled silence between them. It was the first evening they’d spent together in weeks. Madeline had been working overtime for the last few weeks, trying to earn extra money. Gerard was working in some shitty store part time in the evenings and he spent his days working for Cartoon Network on an internship in the hope that it would turn into a full time job. Money was tight, alone time was limited, and time spent with Madeline was slowly decreasing. He lived in a big city, with the girl of his dreams and yet he was lonelier than he’d ever felt in his entire life. Every day was the same old routine. He woke up, went to Cartoon Network, where he worked for nothing until five o’clock. He would rush home, get something to eat, then go work in Barnes and Nobles until ten o’clock. Day in, day out. The joy from his college days was gone, when Madeline’s parents would help with bills and rent. They had made the decision to stay in the city, much to her parents’ displeasure. They had stopped helping out, and with it came more financial strain when he included his student loan, which he had to start paying back. Money wasn’t his only issue though.

Things with Madeline had changed. He didn’t know when or how but, it wasn’t the same anymore. Everything was too easy now. There was nothing new, no spontaneity anymore. His heart didn’t skip a beat anymore when he saw her; he didn’t feel like giggling like a school girl when she told him that she loved him. Way back when, his heart would physically ache if they spent too much time apart. He used to feel like she was his perfect fit. She enjoyed the same music he did. She loved horror and science fiction. She didn’t appreciate comics like he did but she would listen to him rattle on about it. He remembered when the thought of spending the rest of his life with her filled him with happiness. Now, he felt nothing but resignation. She was the only girl he had ever been with, and now he was obligated to stay with her after all they’d been through. They had done everything together as a couple, and now it seemed like there was no other option for them but to remain as couple if he wanted to keep her in his life. He didn’t want to let go of their friendship. She meant too much to him for him to let her go, he just wasn’t sure if he wanted to go down the path that had been laid for him. There was an assumption that they would get married, have children and grow old together without ever experiencing anything outside of them as a couple. He wouldn’t know what it was like to be single. He would never know what it was like to have sex with somebody else. He would never know what it was like to not have to explain his actions to somebody. He would never know freedom. The thought weighed on his chest, strangling him with fear and panic. He was settled down at the age of twenty two, and it terrified him.

He knew in his heart what had caused the sudden change. Guilt swam in the pit of his stomach when he thought about Lindsey. He had never, and would never, cheat on Madeline. He had never even looked at another woman until she came along. He had met her at a gig one night, where she was playing in a band. He had seen her around SVA, where she worked as a Teacher’s Assistant. He had never paid too much attention to her, she had been no more than a background figure in his college life. Then he saw her on stage, and he felt something awaken in him that he hadn’t felt in a long time. He felt curiosity and desire. She owned the stage when she performed, and he wondered if she was as dominating in real life. She oozed sex and mystery, and it was a potent mix. He had made of point of staying after the show with the guys, convincing them that it’d be cool to meet the band. He struck up a conversation with her and he had been hooked since then. She was the female version of him and the time he spent with her wasn’t long enough. They had exchanged numbers and had talked about meeting up for a coffee some time. He knew it was wrong, but the desire to experience something else, to gain a friend that was unconnected with the group of friends he had with Madeline. Meeting Lindsey made him question the path he wanted to go down. He wondered if he stayed with Madeline because he loved her, or if he stayed out of fear and familiarity.

“Gerard?” her voice drifted in again, drawing his attention to her. Her arm was stretched out, offering him the joint he had rolled earlier. They were lying in bed, side by side, with Bob Dylan playing in the background. Her eyes weren’t unfocused like they should have been. She was staring at him with concern.

“Sorry” he mumbled, taking the joint and taking a long drag.

“Is something wrong?” Her Irish accent had dulled over the years but it came out strong when she was upset or worried.

“Of course not. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know, you just seem a bit…off lately. When you’re here, you’re not really here. It just feels like something is bothering you. You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Her big blue eyes bored into his, giving him the look she gave him all those years ago when she walked into the classroom like a lost little girl. She wasn’t stupid. She knew that something was going on with him, Since the night he met Lindsey two weeks ago he had been different. He tried to shrug off the claustrophobia he felt when he was around her but he knew it showed. They slept in the same bed but he wasn’t intimate with her anymore. She could sense the coldness radiating off him, and the hurt shook her to the core. She didn’t ask for much off him, only honesty, and now he couldn’t even do that anymore. His heart didn’t feel like it was in the relationship anymore. He was being cruel holding onto her out of fear.

He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face as he struggled to get his thoughts together.

“I just don’t know if this working anymore.”

A shocked gasp left her lips, her face crumbling with confusion at the words that had come out of nowhere. Whatever it was she expected to hear, those words were not it. She slowly sat up on her elbows, twisting her torso to face him. The pain that shadowed her feature made his chest ache. He had finally said the words he had longed to say, and it left a bitter taste in his mouth. He had made a promise to himself that he would never hurt her; now, after seven years, he had broken it.

“What…I…Where did this come from? I don’t understand.”

He sat up, facing her and the consequences of the words he’d spoken.

“I just…don’t you ever wonder if we did this way too young? Madeline, we’ve…we’ve done everything together for the last seven years. Do you never wonder if we’ve missed out on other things because we were so wrapped up in each other?”

The words didn’t make her feel better. Her eyes filled with tears but she refused to let them fall. His gut twisted at the sight. The betrayal and hurt was written on her face. Her normal smile had vanished, leaving trembling lips in its wake.

“No, I haven’t. Clearly you have though. Did I do something?”

“No” his voice softened with emotion “ You haven’t done anything wrong. I just feel like we’re too young to have the rest of our lives decided for us. There’s so much we haven’t done, and I don’t want us to be held back from it because we were too afraid to do things by ourselves.”

“You met somebody.”

She wasn’t asking him. She stated it as though she already knew.

“I..Madeline, I would never cheat on you” he replied lamely.

“Not physically, no. But you want someone else. Someone who isn’t me.”

“That’s not why I’m saying this. I just…I just don’t want to resent you in ten years time. You want to settle down in the next few years, get married and have kids and I don’t know if I want that.”

“Who is she?” she asked, losing the battle with her tears.

“This isn’t to do with anybody else Maddie. I just…I just think we need a break.”

“A break?” she asked incredulously.

“A break” he repeated, his voice cracking under the strain.

She shook her head.

“No. That’s not how this works Gerard. We’re either together, or we’re not. I’m not going to stick around waiting for you to make up your mind. If you don’t want me anymore, grow a pair and say it. Don’t fuck me around like I don’t have feelings. Jesus Christ, after all this time this is how you choose to end it. Like I’m just a piece of paper you can crumple and throw away?”

“Don’t say that. That’s not what this is about. I just need time to sort my feelings out. You mean the world to me Maddie, and I don’t want to lose you. Fuck, you know me better than anybody else. That doesn’t just mean nothing anymore.”

“What do you want Gerard? Just tell me what it is that you want from me.”

“I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I want you in my life. I’m just think that maybe we should try being friends for a while. Get a bit of space, you know?”

“Friends? Wow” she let out a low breath.

“I just…I just think it’s for the best.”

The silence stifled the room, choking the both of them. Madeline wiped her eyes with shaking hands, taking in a few deep breaths to calm herself down.

“Fine. If that’s what you want. I’ll…I’ll stay with Frank and Jamia for a while I guess.”

“You don’t have to go” Gerard felt a rise of panic overwhelm him as the reality of what just happened sunk in.

“I should. I just…you need time and space. I get that. You need to go out and do things on your own for a while, and maybe I do too.”

She shuffled of the bed and stood up, looking around the room for a minute with unblinking eyes. She nodded to herself before making a beeline for the wardrobe they shared, digging around the bottom for a duffle bag. She started packing her clothes while Gerard watched helplessly. He didn’t know what to say. There were no words that would make it any better. She zipped it shut with a sharp snap, venting her anger on the purple bag. She grabbed a pair of shoes and shoved them on her feet. She didn’t look at him before she walked out of the room. His body went on autopilot, jumping off the bed and chasing after her.

“Maddie, wait!”

She froze in the middle of zipping her jacket up. She waited for him to say something.

“Don’t…please don’t hate me.”

She scoffed and glared at him.

“I don’t hate you Gerard. Even now when you’re being an asshole, I can’t hate you. I’m giving you time to sort yourself out. I won’t wait around forever though. You’re the one who's choosing this, not me. Until you decide you know what you want, just do me one favour. Don’t call me. Don’t contact me at all. I don’t want to be reading into everything you say, wondering if you want me or not. I deserve that much.”

He opened his mouth but the words got stuck in his throat. He watched her leave with a lump in his throat. It hurt to watch her go, but deep down he was glad he it was over.

Bandit gawped at him with her mouth opened and widened eyes.

“And that was the last time you saw her.” She asked in disbelief, completely infatuated with his story.

“No. We saw each other a few times over the following months. I started seeing your mother loosely, which suited both of us. She went on a few dates but I don’t think she had anything serious with anybody. We had the same group of friends so it was unavoidable that we’d bump into each other. We stayed friends, even though she asked for space. She stayed with Frank and Jamia, leaving her stuff at our apartment. I still loved her, and she loved me. Things with your mother started to fizzle out and I realised that I was being stupid.”

“So why didn’t you get back together?”

Gerard sighed as the memories of their last encounter came to mind.

“I got a visit from your mother.”