American Idiot

I had also witnessed the spreading of the remaining ashes. In fact I spread a handful myself at the Underground. The cool breeze whistled under the bridge, blowing my hair back while I closed my eyes and extended my clenched fist, enclosing a handful of my true love. With a sigh, I opened my eyes, turned my hand palm up and opened my fingers, watching the breeze stir the ash, it danced in my palm before a gust of wind blew it all away, chasing it through the waves of grass, through the overgrown tree branches, through mud puddles left behind by the last rain. Everywhere. 

It was a very settling feeling to be able to feel Jimmy all around. Like he was still here. Like he had never been lost to depression.

I closed my eyes again. The numbing feeling of closure around me. It felt safer, in fact, I felt safer right now than I had the three months he was gone.

I nodded to myself, turned around and headed to my car. Where Tunny leaned against the passengers side. His expression calm, not entirely peaceful, but calm. He watched me cautiously as I approached the car. His expression twisted up like he wanted to say something but wasn't sure how to word it. 

“Hey.” I murmured flatly. Climbing in drivers side and instead of starting the engine right away, I stared out the windshield blankly for a moment before Tunny broke the silence.

“Hey Mary-Jane?” he asked sheepishly. Wincing like he was expecting a beating for his next words.

“Yeah...?” I answered, lost in thought.

“God I don't know how to say this, after everything that has happened, I don't think you'd say yes, to me... I'm no Saint Jimmy.” he floundered and lowered his eyes. Pretending to have some great interest in a string hanging from the cuff of his leather jacket.

“What is it?” I asked, more interested now.

He sighed. Looked me straight in the eyes, the wary look on his face told me he was going about it all wrong.
“I love you Mary-Jane. I really really do. But, be open minded for a second?”

I nodded. I could feel from the nervous vibes coming off of him That this was  something to be expected of him. 

“Would ya marry good 'ol Tunny?” he asked with a suddenly hopeful tone, his smile huge and cheeky. I hadn't seen him smile like that in ages.

I could tell he was serious and it was no joke. But some selfish part of me hoped it was. I stared blankly at him face for a minute watching his expression dwindle to hopelessness.

“Uh... I'm sorry...” I murmured. Knowing I was embarrassing him by prolonging my answer. “But... But...”

His face saddened “You can't do it?” he whispered. Reaching up to touch my face. I felt tears brim over. I was betraying Tunny, my best friend by not accepting. I looked into his eyes before I leaned over the seat and kissed him.

“I can. I will. I just need a little time.” I compromised.

He thought about it for a second and smiled. Nodding and kissing me back. “I can wait.” he murmured against my lips. I nodded.

“Let's get out of here yeah? Jimmy's parade.”

He laughed and nodded. We got out of the car and walked to the cracked asphalt road just above the Underground. The big overpass.