The Babysitter

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She was asleep on the sun porch when he found her. Curled in a ball underneath a fuzzy blanket with only her hair showing. She looked defenseless in sleep. He knelt by the couch, his hand resting on the swell of her hip. “Ava?”

Her eyelashes fluttered, delicate, like bird's wings. She made a noise like a whimper and her eyes fluttered open. “Billie?” She cast around, her eyes flitting first left, then right. “What're you doing here?”

“Your dad called me,” he forced himself not to notice how tiny she was, huddled under the blanket. “What're you doing down here?”

She sighed, “Cara's a rough sleeper. Around three this morning I decided it wasn't worth it. What time is it?”

He glanced at his watch. “Eleven thirty.”

“Oh. Cara's gone over to Matt's, then,” she sat up, wrapping her arms around her knees, “Where's dad?”

“He called me from his office,” he bit his lip, “He said you were pretty upset.”

She just looked at him, “Why're you really here, Billie?”

He sighed, sitting back on hi heels, he didn't say anything for so long she wondered if he was going to. The silence gave her a chance to really look at him in the slant of early morning sunlight. His eyes were hooded and his mouth at full pout, his hair mussed in that way that said he'd slept on it and not bothered to do anything else to it. He let out his breath. “I missed you, kid.”

His eyes pinned her and she let the blanket fall to her lap, “Dad called you?” she didn't keep the incredulity from her voice. It was one thing for Tom to turn a blind eye, it was quite another for him to help patch things up.

“Okay, no,” he looked sheepish, “I knew they had their staff meetings at eleven on Mondays. You know you should really start locking your front door.”

“Yeah, that'd be Cara,” she cocked her head, “So you snuck over here to...”

Billie reached up, tucking a stray tendril of hair behind her ear. It was a startling shade of white. “To see you. Just to see you. I'm sorry, baby, it's been so-”

“Me too,” she bit her lip, her eyes shining just a little to brightly, “Billie? I know every thing's all weird and everything between us right now- but uhm...” she worried her thumb between her fingers and he smiled, covering her hands with one of his, encouraging. “Could you maybe just be kissing me right now?”

He grinned, “Baby, you read my mind.”

Ava smiled tentatively as he slid up next to her, shoving the pillow further behind him he curled one arm around the back of the couch and raised his other hand, cupping the side of her face, his thumb brushing her lower lip. She turned her head into the touch, her eyes holding his.

Her hand was warm when it rested against his neck and she wet her lips quickly, furtively, her eyes flicking to his and then to his lips. He eased his head down and his nose touched hers for a moment- conspiratorially before he let his lips touch hers.

It was funny, that she could reduce him to this. Her body was tense, trembling in the circle of his arms because she was waiting for him to pull away and here he was feeling like a teenager about to be caught necking on her dad's sofa.

Actually though, Tom had called him. To let him know that Ava wouldn't be babysitting anymore. Tom was worried. Some breakup with some boy. He was actually considering sending her to her mom in Japan.

Ava was easing him slowly forward on the couch. He broke the kiss when she was on her back, the blanket bunched between them. He lifted his head, her arms around his neck, so trusting.

Ava tightened her hold on his neck at the look in his eyes. She read wariness there, and trepidation. She shook her head, “Please don't say no, Billie,” she framed his face with her hands, “Just be with me.”

“Ava-”

“I know it doesn't mean anything- not anymore, but... please?”

And she looked so alone in the circle of his arms. In so much pain.

And he did still want her.

“I just need- you still love me, don't you?”

He rested his head in the hollow of her neck. “It was never about me not loving you, kid.”

“Then ... why? I mean, I'm not- I won't-”

“I know you won't, baby,” he looked into her eyes. He did want her. He missed her. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

She kissed him, channeling all the want, all the need, all the everything into it that she could.

Billie reached between their bodies and grabbed the blanket, pulling it out from her body and depositing it in the floor before going for the hem of her thermal shirt. She helped him get it off her body and sat up as he knelt up, her fingers going to the bottom of the shirt while he worked on the top.

Ava bent her head though, her lips exploring the exposed skin as she helped get the shirt off his body. Once it was gone, the first thing he did was plunge his hands back into her hair at the base of her skull, “I love this hair,” he muttered, feathering kisses on her forehead and down her nose.

Her hands were at his pants, unhooking, unzipping, tugging. Except he was still wearing shoes and she was in pants and the couch wasn't very wide.

Billie taught her that sex could be funny.

HE looked into her eyes, at the seriousness there and decided to wipe it out. The sun would still rise and set if things didn't go quite right. There was no need for embarrassment with him. It was just him, after all. He tickled, cajoled, blew raspberries. And soon she was laughing.

And then he got her panties on the floor and it was bare skin to bare skin and everything was serious again. He couldn't bring himself to joke either. Billie swallowed- his throat was suddenly dry.

Ava's eyes were warm, burning, and she smiled a small smile. And she looked so adult it was scary, “Are you sure you're okay with this?”

He laughed in spite of himself. “I think that's supposed to be my line, darlin'.”

“Oh,” she raised her eyebrows, “Well are you?”

“Yeah,” he bent, placing a chaste kiss on first one breast and then the other. “But let's play for a while first, huh?”

She almost asked what he meant, but then he was sitting up, pulling her with him, sliding to the ground and kneeling between her spread legs. Ava placed her hands on his shoulders, feeling the strength there. And the patience. He brought his head to her skin, to the area just under her breast where he knew it tickled most and suckled a long, open mouth kiss that sent her to moaning.

His hands played with the skin along her inner thighs and then his lips were other places. Places she didn't even know could feel good. The bend behind her knee, the line of bone from her ankle to her big toe, a place on her shoulder blade, the bend of her elbow. Sometimes kissing, tickling, caressing, then he stroked.

Pretty soon Ava wasn't even sure where she left off and he began. She whimpered low in her throat and he raised up on his knees, finally going back to her lips. Ava sighed against his lips, her fingers playing with his ears. He broke the kiss and licked her nose playfully. Ava laughed, “I wanna be with you, always and always.”

And it wasn't meant to be guilt. It was just a statement. He smiled but his eyes were sad. “I know, kid.”

He eased her back on the sofa, sliding between her legs. And she was warm and wet and inviting and it felt so good he closed his eyes against her neck. Ava sighed underneath him and her breath trembled in her chest. He opened his eyes.

“You okay?

“Mm-hmm,” she moved beneath him, “This feels nice.”

He grinned, “Well what was the general idea.” He moved inside her, experimentally at first and bent his head, taking a nipple into his mouth. Ava made a sound like a purr beneath him and he couldn't help but laugh against her skin.

In and out, back and forth.

Slow. Slow. Slow.

She moved under him, her left leg sliding to the floor she braced and pushed up with her pelvis.

Fast, fast, slow.

Billie groaned and Ava smiled a smile that startled him. Mona Lisa secrets. He cocked his head, moving his lower body in a circular movement that made her bite her lip and squirm beneath him. “I love it when you do that,” his lips were warm against her collar bone and her breath gasped out.

Fast. Slow. Fast, fast, slow.

She jerked beneath in a weird way and all of a sudden Billie was staring up at the skylights. He laughed, “Wasn't plannin' on that-”

Ava kissed his chest, sliding over him and rising up. He read the desire in her eyes and helped to guide her over top of him. She slid down and the movement was in direct proportion to his eyelids. When she was at half mast she stopped. “The scenery's different from up here-- s'weird.”

They laughed together as she slid downward. He sat up, turning their bodies so he was leaning against the couch. She looked uncertain for a moment.

“Now what?” At his questioning look she raised a hand, “I'm used to you up here. And ya keep screwin' with my plans. So what now?”

Billie took her lips in a decidedly thorough kiss and his hands settled on her hips. “Okay, you're in the driver's seat now, baby.” He helped guide her hips- one, two, three/four, then rested his arms on the couch cushions behind him.

Ava grinned, “Much better.” Hers was a different rhythm. More fluid. But stilted too. She'd stop when she found a good place, then rode until she found another good one. It didn't help that she was a multi-tasker. She seemed able to pay attention to both her hips and kiss other places, paying special attention to places she knew felt best.

He threw his head back, finding it hard to breathe. Ava's lips caressed the skin behind his left ear and her hands were between their bodies and playing with sensitive parts there. He felt the orgasm coming and didn't fight it. In fact, he opened his eyes, his fingers going between their bodies too, playing with her this time.

She threw herself forward, her hips going faster, her breath panting. Billie's hands covered her breasts and Ava was body parts. She was her hardened nipples in his palms. She was her clitoris rubbing against his skin. Her belly as it trembled with orgasm.

He came, and then she came later, and he held her. His arms tightening around her with each tremor until it was over. Billie's fingers trailed through the sweaty white hair. Ava's breath was cool on his shoulder.

And they were quiet. Neither really wanting to break the silence. Finally though, he did, translating his regret with a quick squeeze of her shoulder.

“D'you still have that picture?”

She didn't lift her head from his shoulder, but her fingers flexed on his chest. “What picture?”

“The one from Joe's party, the one Mike took.”

You mean the only one we have of us together? “Yeah. Why?” She willed him not to say anything stupid.

“Whenever you get... upset... pull it out.” He let his breath out slow, through his nose. “Remember what it was like.”

“It's never gonna be like that again, is it Billie?” She wiped her nose.

“It can't be, baby. I'm sorry.”

“Nobody'll ever love you like I do,” she murmured, lifting her head to look him in the eye. His face was tight, but his eyes were serious.

“I really, really love you, kid. Don't ever let anybody tell you different.”

“I just wish I could make it stop hurting.”

@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%

Ava woke up in her darkened bedroom and had a moment fo absolute disorientation where she didn't know anything.

Cara's raspy breathing brought it all back.

Just a dream. Always the same.

She felt the familiar prick of tears and slid out of the bed. She made a bee line for the bathroom, closing the door behind her she lit one of the candles on the sink and put it on the tiled floor.

There was a stack of books on the back of the toilet and shoved in a copy of Hairstyles of the Damned was the picture. Make had come through the den when they'd thought everyone was gone. Ava had been on the ladder taking down crap. Billie had his arms around her thighs as though to steady her.

The look they shared said it all. Ava realized with a jolt that she was right to avoid Adrienne when she was at Billie's-- neither Ava or he would have been able to hide it. They hadn't been fooling anybody.

She curled up in a ball on the shaggy black fur rug. The picture clutched to her chest like a teddy bear.

And in the light of the candle she grieved all over again.