Status: Completed <3
Hospital Beds
o1/o1
His fingers started at my bruised knees, the various colors of purples|greys|yellows|greens all but covered my knee caps. His fingers traveled up my legs, running over the scars on my thighs; some new, some old. I hear him sigh and my heart shatters in my bony chest. I was doing this to him again and I couldn't take it.
Past the ugly hospital gown, he stops at my stomach. I feel him tracing the word that I had carved into my stomach, right below my belly button. Worthless it reads. He runs his finger over every letter and looks away from me. He's trying his hardest not to cry. He's stronger than that, stronger than me...I know this...he knows this.
He sighs once more and there goes my heart. His fingers start moving once more, up my chest, making sure to count each rib on the way. The bruises stick out like bite marks. His hand stops on my chest, his fingers play with the space between my throat and my collarbones, hooking underneath the bone. He rubs his thumb over it and I see him swallow the lump in his throat.
He pulls his hand back, only to place it on mine. I try to move my hand, to hold his, but my body is so numb that I can't feel any movement. He sits there, staring down at the hospital bed...thinking. He wants to say something, so do I, but neither of us know what to say. What can you say to someone that you've been with for three years, whose attempted suicide over one hundred times in the last two years? Nothing, really.
He thinks I hate him. That's the furthest from the truth. I love him, more than anyone in the world. I hate myself for putting him through this. I wish I could have been a better boyfriend, a better friend....but I'm not. Maybe that's why I do this to myself. I have so much self hatred for myself that I can't see other people's emotions.
I feel his fingers moving up my arm. He carefully turns my arm over, so that he can see every cut. He leans down and presses his lips to the wounds, kissing each of them. He's crying now. He finally let his strong armor down. I feel his salty tears splash onto the newest cuts, stinging them slightly. They were only hours old, one of the reason that I was here now.
He places my arm back on the bed, careful not to disturb the wires that hugged my arm like a sweater. He stands up, leans forward and grabs my face. He places his lips to mine and kisses me, like the first day we met. I'm crying now. I can taste the salty tears as we kiss and they burn my throat like acid as they make their way to my empty stomach.
"I love you but you need help." he whispers, between voice breaks. His forehead is against mine and there are tears staining his beautiful face.
I hate myself so fucking much. I made him cry. I'm pathetic.
"Please don't leave me..." my voice doesn't sound like my own.
"I'll be back after shift change." he replies, kissing my forehead. "I love you, remember that."
"I love you too."
He looks at me once more before walking out of the room. Only one hour and I can see him again. Sadly, I won't make it. I know I'm dying. I think he sensed it, he just didn't want to say anything. I ask the nurse if I could have a piece of paper and pen. She gives me a sad smile and fetches me what I wanted.
I pull myself up and began writing.
Mike,
I'm so sorry I've put you through this for so long. I should have just ended this two years ago instead of putting you through all this pain. I love you with all my heart but I know I'm dying. I think you realized it too. Please don't ever forget about me. I truly did love you and I truly am sorry for not being a better boyfriend or a better friend. If I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would have changed my life around when we met. You tried to save me but I was too far gone to be saved. I'll be dead when you read this. I'll continue to watch over you from Heaven. As long as you believe in ghosts, I'll stick around. Tell Vic, Jaime and Tony that I love them too. They were some of the best brothers and friends ever. I'll be there for all of you, just in a different sense. I love you, Mike. I hope you find someone who will be able to complete you and you won't have to fuss after them. Remember, keep believing and I'll be there.
Love, Kellin
My heart stopped after that. My other organs had died as soon as Mike left. When the nurse found me I still had the pen in my hand, the letter from a ghost laying on the table. I watched Mike break down in Vic's arms when they came back to see me. As long as he keeps believing, I'll be around.
I gave in to my demons and let them drag me to Hell. The only thing I managed to prove was that I was as weak as my father said I was. I gave in too easy and my demons found me and suffocated me, wrapping their twig like fingers around my throat and squeezing until my heart gave out.
It rained on the day of my funeral because I was crying from Heaven.
Past the ugly hospital gown, he stops at my stomach. I feel him tracing the word that I had carved into my stomach, right below my belly button. Worthless it reads. He runs his finger over every letter and looks away from me. He's trying his hardest not to cry. He's stronger than that, stronger than me...I know this...he knows this.
He sighs once more and there goes my heart. His fingers start moving once more, up my chest, making sure to count each rib on the way. The bruises stick out like bite marks. His hand stops on my chest, his fingers play with the space between my throat and my collarbones, hooking underneath the bone. He rubs his thumb over it and I see him swallow the lump in his throat.
He pulls his hand back, only to place it on mine. I try to move my hand, to hold his, but my body is so numb that I can't feel any movement. He sits there, staring down at the hospital bed...thinking. He wants to say something, so do I, but neither of us know what to say. What can you say to someone that you've been with for three years, whose attempted suicide over one hundred times in the last two years? Nothing, really.
He thinks I hate him. That's the furthest from the truth. I love him, more than anyone in the world. I hate myself for putting him through this. I wish I could have been a better boyfriend, a better friend....but I'm not. Maybe that's why I do this to myself. I have so much self hatred for myself that I can't see other people's emotions.
I feel his fingers moving up my arm. He carefully turns my arm over, so that he can see every cut. He leans down and presses his lips to the wounds, kissing each of them. He's crying now. He finally let his strong armor down. I feel his salty tears splash onto the newest cuts, stinging them slightly. They were only hours old, one of the reason that I was here now.
He places my arm back on the bed, careful not to disturb the wires that hugged my arm like a sweater. He stands up, leans forward and grabs my face. He places his lips to mine and kisses me, like the first day we met. I'm crying now. I can taste the salty tears as we kiss and they burn my throat like acid as they make their way to my empty stomach.
"I love you but you need help." he whispers, between voice breaks. His forehead is against mine and there are tears staining his beautiful face.
I hate myself so fucking much. I made him cry. I'm pathetic.
"Please don't leave me..." my voice doesn't sound like my own.
"I'll be back after shift change." he replies, kissing my forehead. "I love you, remember that."
"I love you too."
He looks at me once more before walking out of the room. Only one hour and I can see him again. Sadly, I won't make it. I know I'm dying. I think he sensed it, he just didn't want to say anything. I ask the nurse if I could have a piece of paper and pen. She gives me a sad smile and fetches me what I wanted.
I pull myself up and began writing.
Mike,
I'm so sorry I've put you through this for so long. I should have just ended this two years ago instead of putting you through all this pain. I love you with all my heart but I know I'm dying. I think you realized it too. Please don't ever forget about me. I truly did love you and I truly am sorry for not being a better boyfriend or a better friend. If I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would have changed my life around when we met. You tried to save me but I was too far gone to be saved. I'll be dead when you read this. I'll continue to watch over you from Heaven. As long as you believe in ghosts, I'll stick around. Tell Vic, Jaime and Tony that I love them too. They were some of the best brothers and friends ever. I'll be there for all of you, just in a different sense. I love you, Mike. I hope you find someone who will be able to complete you and you won't have to fuss after them. Remember, keep believing and I'll be there.
Love, Kellin
My heart stopped after that. My other organs had died as soon as Mike left. When the nurse found me I still had the pen in my hand, the letter from a ghost laying on the table. I watched Mike break down in Vic's arms when they came back to see me. As long as he keeps believing, I'll be around.
I gave in to my demons and let them drag me to Hell. The only thing I managed to prove was that I was as weak as my father said I was. I gave in too easy and my demons found me and suffocated me, wrapping their twig like fingers around my throat and squeezing until my heart gave out.
It rained on the day of my funeral because I was crying from Heaven.