My 30 Day Challenge

Day 7: List 10 activities that help you calm down.

1. Reading
2. Walking
3. Talking to Vic
4. Listening to a clock
5. Music
6. Puppies
7. Watching the sky
8. The sound of rain
9.
10.

“Well, go on. Start!” Vic prompted.

It was 8:30 in the morning, and I’d been woken by him half an hour earlier. We’d laid there for a while dozing, until he decided it was time for today’s question. I squirmed inwardly; I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done anything for fun.

“I don’t know, Vic. Can’t you just list some and I’ll say whether or not they’re fun?”

“Hey, they’re not fun activities. They’re calming activities. And no, I want you to make a list,” he said, jumping out of bed and going to my desk, opening the curtains on his way. I squinted.

“Do I have to?” I whined.

“Yes,” he said sternly, fishing around in my drawer. He returned to bed a few moments later with my A3 sketchbook and a blue marker. “We’re going to make a physical list and stick it up in your room, so that when you need to cut or do something else stupid, you can look at it and do one of those things instead. Okay?”

“Fine,” I sulked. I knew I was acting like a kid, but I really didn’t know what calmed me down. I’d never tried, really, besides taking a blade to my wrists. I didn’t know whether or not to ask if it counted, though, so I left it. “Give me some time.”

In response, he nuzzled his head into my neck and closed his eyes. I sat there thinking.

I’d always liked reading, but did it calm me down? I always managed to forget about whatever was going on and get absorbed into the world of the book. I counted that.

I gently took the pen and book from Vic, not sure if he was sleeping or not. He might have been, but he sat up when he felt me taking them. As I slowly printed ‘1. READING’ in my neatest writing, not wanting to make a mess, he watched, and I felt his hand lace in with my free one.

“That’s great, Kell,” he said. “Good start.” I felt a slight twinge of annoyance; I didn’t want to be patronised. I wasn’t a child. I shrugged it off.

Thinking some more, I settled on walking. I’d gone for a lot of walks while I was here, and from what I remembered, I had felt better after them. I added ‘2. WALKING’ to my list, but got a bit stuck after that.

“I don’t know what else,” I whined, elbowing Vic. “I don’t really do anything.”

“Well, how about I make a list as well and you can steal some ideas if you need to, okay?” he asked. I nodded, and he got up and went over to my desk again, getting another marker, this time purple. I raised my eyebrows.

“Really? Purple?”

“Hey, this shade happens to be gorgeous,” he defended himself. He was so gay. “Now do you want my help or not?” He was pouting a little.

“Fine,” I grumbled.

He took the pad from me and, flipping the page, wrote ‘VIC’S TIPS TO CALM DOWN.’ He was such a dork. His writing was scratchy, and messy, but clearly legible. He wrote his list quickly, only having to stop to think about it towards the end, on the ninth and tenth ones.

VIC’S TIPS TO CALM DOWN

1. PLAYING/WRITING/LISTENING TO MUSIC
2. SOCCER
3. HISTORY
4. TALKING TO MIKE, JAIME AND TONY
5. WALKING IN THE RAIN
6. PAINTING (HELPING DAD)
7. CLEANING
8. RECITING THE PERIODIC TABLE/MATHS TIMES TABLES
9. HUGGING IT OUT
10. LISTENING TO A CLOCK

Reading his list felt like opening a little window into his head. I felt like I knew him a lot better now than I had before. I would never have guessed that he was such a nerd, though. Who likes history? Or reciting a bunch of metals? And he was clearly very musical.

“See anything you like?” he asked. “Oh God, that was more sexual than it was meant to be. You know what I mean. See anything that might work for you? That wasn’t any better! I’m going to stop now.” His face was tinged a little red. I giggled a little and read through the list again.

Taking the pad back from him, on my list I entitled the page ‘KELLIN’S TIPS TO CALM DOWN’ and added 3. TALKING TO VIC, 4. LISTENING TO A CLOCK and 5. MUSIC.

“You like talking to me?” he asked softly, a little wonder creeping into his voice. I didn’t respond, mostly because I didn’t know how. He snuggled into me a little more, and I had a sudden stroke of inspiration, and wrote 6. PUPPIES.

“Puppies?”

I nodded. “There was a really cute one at the… the hospital, and I named him Lorenzo, and he was adorable. I liked him a lot.”

“Well, that’s great! You’re doing really well. Reckon you got any more ideas up your sleeve?”

“I need some time to think a bit more.”

“I’m getting myself some coffee. You want anything?” he asked, standing up. The bed felt a little colder almost instantly; the boy practically radiated heat. I shook my head, and he left.

Suddenly, I felt the urge to go get a razor. Where it came from, I had no idea. But I was sick of being happy. I was sick of putting in so much effort to get better. Was it really worth all this? I was angry. I didn’t want people to try to fix me and change me and make me someone I wasn’t. This depression wasn’t going anywhere any time soon, and I just needed to let out all the emotion I’d felt over the last week. My blood was boiling. I got up and went over to my desk again, where I’d hidden my blades at the back of a drawer. I saw them there still, and I felt reassured. Taking one out, I heard Vic coming back up the stairs, so I quickly put it in my underwear, the cold metal making me shiver, then hurried back into bed and scribbled down the first thing I thought of that might seem legitimate. 7. WATCHING THE SKY.

“That’s good, Kells. You can totally make a full list of 10. Only three to go, right?” he said, setting his coffee down on my bedside table. “Oh, wait, you don’t mind if I have this in here, do you?” I shook my head no, and he smiled. It was like he thought I was made of glass, and I was going to break any second. It didn’t help.

“Can we finish this later?” I blurted out. “I’m really having trouble with this.”

Vic looked a little taken aback. “Yeah, sure. I thought we could maybe spend today doing some of the things on the list, but we can do it another day. What do you want to do today?”

“Spend some time with Mike,” I invented.

“That’s a good idea, I don’t think you two have spent that much time together.”

“Mmmhmm.”

We sat there in silence, Vic sipping his coffee every now and then.

“I’ll be back,” he said at one point, disappearing and reappearing moments later with a couple of small pills, which I assumed were for his bipolar. He gulped them down with some coffee, and we sat there a while more in silence.

I started to worry a little; what if he felt the blade or something? It was unlikely, but my mind was petrified that he’d find out and I didn’t want to imagine what would happen if he did.

“I’m going to shower,” I mumbled, and, grabbing some spare clothes, left the room.