In Memories We Trust
Part XI
You’d be happy right now, I’m sure of it. You’d think it had been a good thing that he and I found each other and you would be hoping that we’d become close friends through the shared grieving of your death. I wish, however, that, despite the fact I was alone in the world, he would never have saved me; hadn’t picked my body up off the floor of my room, pressed a cloth against the bleeding, and dialed for an ambulance with shaking hands. I still wish I hadn’t been saved, because no matter how many friends I make and how good they are to me, I’m still alone. As alone as I was the day you died, four years after my mother left, and as alone as I will always be.
Without your presence here, I can’t stand to think of what to do. I can’t have fun; it’d make you jealous. I can’t cry; it’d make you sad. I certainly can’t empty my heart of all pain through an open wound; you’d be disappointed. I cannot drink away my sorrow; that’s the last thing you would have wanted. I can’t live again without you here, that was never an option. I wish I knew somehow that you could hear me. And I wish even more than you could say something back, because somehow this silence is the thing that kills me inside.
Every moment without you is a moment I’m wishing for the blade to take all my pain away in a torrent of blood red. For a year I’ve been living with this silence pressing on my heart, and that’s a year too long. Troy, I wish you would say something, I wish you would come back.
His arms folded around me like a straitjacket and he held me there in his vice-like grip for over a minute. He leaned back and held me at arms-length to look me over. His long, spider-like fingers danced over the bandage around me wrist and formed a bracelet and gently squeezed. His stringy, burnt-copper colored hair fell forward into his face as his dark brown eyes found mine. “You had me worried there, Raven.” His voice was deep with genuine concern and even though I hated him for saving me, I have to admit it felt good that someone cared.
“I’m sorry, Brian. It was the only thing to do.” I hated the sound of my voice; it was so weak, so pained. Like fingernails on a chalkboard, it scratched the insides of my eardrums.
“That is never the only thing to do. Ever. Y’hear me? Raven, promise me, even though your brother isn’t here anymore, you won’t do that again.” I couldn’t hold his gaze any longer, my blue eyes slipped from his and I pushed him back gently.
“You’re right; Troy’s not here anymore. I have no one. I can’t go back with my father, I’m sure they locked him up anyway. I have no relatives, no friends. Emily died.” I was beyond talking when I mentioned Emily, my voice faded quickly until it dissolved completely into silent tears. They tried valiantly to cut a path down my cheeks and escape, but Brian’s hand flew up and wiped them away and cut their flight short.
“That isn’t true anymore. Your father was locked away, and your brother is gone, but you do have a friend left. I am taking you home with me. I’m eighteen, legally an adult. You’re coming home with me.”
“I can’t-,” and there my voice stopped working all together. I wouldn’t be able to handle such a huge reminder of your death every waking moment, and then it would haunt my dreams at night, like it already does. Brian could never understand what we went through; he could try to help, and you can bet he would, but he can’t comprehend our lives, he doesn’t know a thing about the real us.
“Nonsense. You can, and you will. It’s only me left. You remember that I only had my father around when your brother died, but now he’s gone, too. Shot down in the war. Its safe for you to stay with me, together we can get over this.” Then again, maybe he could understand us. His tender touch found my cheek and he brushed my hair out of my face with his fingers. His orangey eyes caught hold of me and held me there, unable to look away.
“Maybe.” I said clearly even though his gaze had taken over and was all I could think about. Maybe this could work, maybe Brian was right and we could work through this…together.
It’s the together part that scares me. It’s easy to love someone, easier still to fall in love with them. But the harder you run, the harder you fall. And that’s the last thing I need right now, to crash and burn when my mind and body are already broken beyond repair. If Brian feels he and I can pick up the pieces and put them back together, might as well give it a go.
Without your presence here, I can’t stand to think of what to do. I can’t have fun; it’d make you jealous. I can’t cry; it’d make you sad. I certainly can’t empty my heart of all pain through an open wound; you’d be disappointed. I cannot drink away my sorrow; that’s the last thing you would have wanted. I can’t live again without you here, that was never an option. I wish I knew somehow that you could hear me. And I wish even more than you could say something back, because somehow this silence is the thing that kills me inside.
Every moment without you is a moment I’m wishing for the blade to take all my pain away in a torrent of blood red. For a year I’ve been living with this silence pressing on my heart, and that’s a year too long. Troy, I wish you would say something, I wish you would come back.
His arms folded around me like a straitjacket and he held me there in his vice-like grip for over a minute. He leaned back and held me at arms-length to look me over. His long, spider-like fingers danced over the bandage around me wrist and formed a bracelet and gently squeezed. His stringy, burnt-copper colored hair fell forward into his face as his dark brown eyes found mine. “You had me worried there, Raven.” His voice was deep with genuine concern and even though I hated him for saving me, I have to admit it felt good that someone cared.
“I’m sorry, Brian. It was the only thing to do.” I hated the sound of my voice; it was so weak, so pained. Like fingernails on a chalkboard, it scratched the insides of my eardrums.
“That is never the only thing to do. Ever. Y’hear me? Raven, promise me, even though your brother isn’t here anymore, you won’t do that again.” I couldn’t hold his gaze any longer, my blue eyes slipped from his and I pushed him back gently.
“You’re right; Troy’s not here anymore. I have no one. I can’t go back with my father, I’m sure they locked him up anyway. I have no relatives, no friends. Emily died.” I was beyond talking when I mentioned Emily, my voice faded quickly until it dissolved completely into silent tears. They tried valiantly to cut a path down my cheeks and escape, but Brian’s hand flew up and wiped them away and cut their flight short.
“That isn’t true anymore. Your father was locked away, and your brother is gone, but you do have a friend left. I am taking you home with me. I’m eighteen, legally an adult. You’re coming home with me.”
“I can’t-,” and there my voice stopped working all together. I wouldn’t be able to handle such a huge reminder of your death every waking moment, and then it would haunt my dreams at night, like it already does. Brian could never understand what we went through; he could try to help, and you can bet he would, but he can’t comprehend our lives, he doesn’t know a thing about the real us.
“Nonsense. You can, and you will. It’s only me left. You remember that I only had my father around when your brother died, but now he’s gone, too. Shot down in the war. Its safe for you to stay with me, together we can get over this.” Then again, maybe he could understand us. His tender touch found my cheek and he brushed my hair out of my face with his fingers. His orangey eyes caught hold of me and held me there, unable to look away.
“Maybe.” I said clearly even though his gaze had taken over and was all I could think about. Maybe this could work, maybe Brian was right and we could work through this…together.
It’s the together part that scares me. It’s easy to love someone, easier still to fall in love with them. But the harder you run, the harder you fall. And that’s the last thing I need right now, to crash and burn when my mind and body are already broken beyond repair. If Brian feels he and I can pick up the pieces and put them back together, might as well give it a go.