Your Guardian Angel

I didn't mean to yell at him.. I didn't. I knew how sensitive he was. But the fact he said it, he identified my feather as it was, a marker of a fallen angel. Everything was piling up on me, Jake's criticism and CC finding out and now Andy was writing a song about it. I chewed my lip as I noticed his notebook, my feather over it like a slash. I picked it up, the worn binding letting it fall open to a page full of Andy's handwriting. A glance showed me that it wasn't lyrics, but a diary entry.
I think I'm starting to lose it... I can't fall asleep without thinking about him. It feels like I've known him forever, but we've only known each other for two years. Its like he knows everything about me and doesn't even have to ask twice before deciding something's wrong. And he's actually never been wrong. That's the scary part; I think he knows more about me than I do myself. But that's not possible, we met on Craigslist. There's no way he knows everything about me. No one knows everything about me. But I feel like Ashley does. How the hell is that possible? Maybe I'm paranoid... He always asks if I'm okay and I'll tell him that I'm fine, I'm an adult but I'm not. I'm only 20 for fucks sake. Barely a legal adult. Maybe I want to be smothered like a child... Maybe I just want him...
I traced my fingers over the penned words, heart aching for him. My Andy.. My sweet Andy. He wanted me? But it seemed like he was alarmed by the way I acted... By how much I knew.
I picked up the feather again. Running my fingers over the edges, I looked at his scrawled lyrics again. I picked up the pen and wrote a single line.
To those who sing alone, no need to feel this sorrow
I tucked the feather into his notebook, tenderly laying it down on the pillow.
"Where's Andy?" I asked Jinxx. Jake immediately interrupted.
"For Christ's sake, Ashley. Let him alone!" he insisted.
I nodded dejectedly. "Okay.." I frowned, walking back to my own bunk. The way Andy wrote, it made it sound like he wanted my attention.. But everybody seemed to think I was smothering him... My head was spinning with the speed of my thoughts, heartbeat thudding in my ears. Andy made the connection about angels so fast... What if he learned about guardian angels? If he made the connection from there? How I knew everything he'd ever told me before the words were an idea?
I'd be screwed. Exposing myself as a guardian angel could have horrible repercussions. Losing Andy was the most prominent, the most worrisome of any of them.. He wouldn't see it the way I did, I knew. It seemed creepy to him how much I knew..
I just wanted to protect him. Couldn't they see that?! I slammed a fist against the wall, groaning in annoyance. I just wanted to protect him... I thought again, more dejectedly. I slid down the wall slowly, head resting on my knees.
If I lost Andy.. I don't know what I'd do.
I'd lose my heart. I'd lose the very reason to exist. Losing him was losing myself. He was my reason, he had been for years now. I regretted every word I'd said to the bottom of my eternally damned soul. The tears in his eyes broke me, but the words I uttered were true. I didn't have to constantly worry about him. My world didn't have to revolve around making him happy.
So why did it?
Why did I want to make him happy, to smother him in a safe embrace, a place where nothing could get to him? But he ran from me, lost in the world alone. I was the one that hurt him.. I raised my voice for the first time and it was the only thing in my new life I truly regretted. The tears in his eyes as he looked at me.. I was the one person who would never do that, but I did... If I could take that back, I would.
I had to find him, I had to bring him back and keep him safe.
I grabbed my shoes and wallet, nearly sprinting off the bus without a glance at Jake. I looked desperately, finding my precious Andy in a broken crumple on the ground, slumped against a wall. A cigarette hung, unlit, limply from his lips as he stared dully at the sidewalk. "Andy, baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell, sweetheart." I knelt by him, pulling him into a warm hug. He laid limply against my chest.
"Why? Y-you've never yelled at me." He whispered, looking up at me. His blue eyes, lightened and dilated by his tears, looked miserably up at me. Tear tracks shone on his cheeks. "Y-you've never yelled at me..." He said again, deep voice hitching with his sadness.
"I know. I know I haven't, and if I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat. I don't know what happened. It's just everything going on right now. That's all. I would never deliberately raise my voice to you." I promised, taking his cigarette carton from his pocket and replacing the unlit cigarette back into it.
"What are you hiding from me?" He asked quietly.
"I'm not hiding anything from you." I immediately answered. "You know everything about me."
"No, Ash, I don't! Nobody knows anything about you! None of us even know your parents names!" He threw his hands out in a huge gesture. "It's like you came out of nowhere!"
I paled. "I- I don't really think that it's that interesting. Nobody would be interested.." I lied.
"Ash, we'd all love to know something about where you came from ! You have zero background. You say you're from Missouri but whenever we stop there, you never want to go visit anybody!" He fell limp again, slumped against me.
I stared at my hands. "I- I don't remember much myself. I guess I just don't talk about it." I mumbled. "C'mon back to the bus, honey. It's almost night time, the bus is safer." I carried him back to the bus, laying him in his bunk. "I really like the song... I do. It's an interesting concept. Tell me about how you came up with it?"
He came to life then. He grabbed his notebook, my feather falling out of it. "See, I found this feather on the bathroom floor. It's too big for a bird and it's like, pure black. That's not a naturally occurring color, because of like, camouflaging and stuff. Plus it looks like an angels feather.. That's what they're called, the angels who commit some reprehensible crime, fallen angels."
I nodded slowly. I knew that. I lived that. "Really? That's.. that's really fascinating..." I said quietly. Was it a reprehensible crime to love? I blinked, looking at my hands again. "It's really good so far..."
"Ash.. you okay?" He asked carefully.
"Yeah, honey. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. It's my job to worry about you." I smiled comfortingly