Just Not to Your Face

Brian.

You’re staring at an empty screen. All you can see is an empty mailbox. Just like your empty heart.

“Will I see you again?” You whisper to the air, as if it turned into your beloved one and then stole him in a heartbeat. Oh, that’s true. You don’t have a heart anymore. He took it. What he did to it is for you unknown. All you know is that you got it back in two pieces.

Zacky.

You feel like you blowing out a candle. But it’s actually your will to live. Or was it love? You don’t want to figure it out. You know that there’s something else that’s tearing your body apart at the moment, and that’s not the feelings.. All thought the physical feelings also hurt. You’re tired of feeling hurt.

You can hear Charlene’s voice over your shoulder. “We need to go now, Zacky. Your chemo therapy starts in about 15 minutes.” You mumble a reply as you continue to prepare your body for even more poisoning, the poison that keep you alive. It’s just that.. right now.. you’d rather be dead.

But then again.. there’s not much time left anyway. Fighting? You haven’t done that in ages.

Not a chance. Not a chance for living anymore. Not a chance for loving anymore.

Brian.

You stumble across the floor, eying the fridge. Pulling out a bottle with something strong on it, swallowing a few swigs. Groaning. The headache is already forming form all the emotional rollercoaster rides you’ve been through the last days. In the end, you only got your damn hope shattered. Again.

Zacky.

Head is spinning. Your insides feels like they’re giving up, but your beating heart still keeps you alive. You manage to put on a fake, reassuring smile that you send to your girlfriend. Her brown hair and brown eyes watching your expressions carefully as she watches you fighting against a breakdown.

“How long do I have left?” You ask into the air, knowing that the doctors are listening.

“We don’t know.”

Brian.

If you only knew where he was right now. You play with the thought of driving straight up to his house, cry, break down in front of him and show him your bleeding heart.. But no. You can’t make yourself doing that to him. He already have enough to think about. Oh Brian.

You call the only one that keeps you alive at this moment. Your dad.

“Hey son, what’s up?” A optimistic voice speaks. He knows how to stay happy, your dad..

“I don’t the fuck know what I’m doing..” You don’t cry, there’s no tears left.. you feel only numbness. You stumble in your own words, it seems, but you don’t know for sure. Your mind is somewhere else.

“I’m lost. He doesn’t want to talk to me, ever again.” You laugh, a humorless laugh, its like an echo of the devil’s laughter when he’s laughing at your own misery, making you feel smaller than you ever thought he could.

“Bullshit.” The voice are oozing disbelief. “He has given up too, son. Don’t let that stop you.”

“I can’t.. I mean, I.. I don’t know where to go! What the hell am I gonna say!? I wrenched my heart out for him!” You choke the words, like they’re some kind of bad medicine that you have to take to get better. That only makes you think of Zacky even more..

“Damn it! Dad, what the hell am I doing?” You bury your face in your hands, sitting down on your coach with the phone trembling in your hand.

“I can’t live without him, dad.”

“Fight for him, son. You got to fight for him.”