Suffocater

This time will be different. We like the same music, we laugh at the same things, we even have the same friends. That’s got to count for something. The last one didn’t even have anything in common with me. Plus, this one smells better. Like palm trees. He’s kind, too. My mother would like him. If there’s one thing I know, everyone’s supportive of the relationship. They say we’d be cute.

I think of the last one. Tall. Blonde. Green-eyed. Race car driver. The only thing special with him was my first kiss. He lasted for awhile, though. I remember sitting on his bed, laughing while the weight of his body pressed into mine, lowering me into the pillows. He had the longest eyelashes, they gave the impression of child-like innocence— of a sort of curiosity for the unknown. He didn’t know emotions. Six months ago I was so naive. Six months ago was when I gave up my first kiss. Forever in my head I’ll remember Tall, Blonde, Green-eyed Racer was the one who I first kissed on a light blue bed spread. Approximately six seconds was all it took to embrace the idea of him. Afterwards he looked down at me with crinkled eyes and a crooked smile. Everything was okay. Three days later Tall, Blonde, Green-eyed Racer was gone. I remembered laying on his bed—still stiff from the weight of him—when I looked into those green eyes, the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen, and spilled out the poison from my mouth. I like you. I remembered he smiled, crinkled his eyes again, and kissed me once more. Who knew that the words I spoke were poisonous. Three days later, the poison finally drowned his body.

But, this time will be different. This one has blue eyes, the kindest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. He’s tall, but not too tall. He wears Converse. He drives a shitty car. He actually cares.

I care too. So, I will not suffocate him. This time will be different.