Hell Above

Alex had never expected Jack to ever say those words to him. He’d been waiting for them, had been bracing himself to hear them since the first time he stepped foot in the apartment 5 years ago – but that doesn't make the tightening in his chest after Jack actually says them any less painful.

He drops his gaze down to his hands, blinking once, then twice to make his hands stop looking like they’re shaking – oh, they are shaking. He can feel Jack looking at him, the tightening in his gut increasing as he grows uneasy under Jack’s gaze. He manages a quiet “okay,” voice completely shattered from the pressure in his chest.

His mind is ticking over, the actual weight of the words setting in suddenly. Alex reaches out a hand, turning the burner off and then going to remove the skillet from the stove. All rationality has fled him at the moment, voice of reason completely clouded over and useless as his hand grips the skillet handle, the only thing running through his head is a mantra of ‘this is it, it’s over – I’m leaving’

The blonde retracts his hand immediately after making contact with the handle, involuntarily crying out as the heat sears through his palm. The skillet drops from Alex’s hand, its contents luckily remaining inside of it as it slams back down onto the stove. He instinctively tucks his hand against his chest, his uninjured hand coming up to curl around it as he tries to keep the tears from spilling over.

Jack had realized a moment too late what would happen when he saw Alex reach for the skillet, his mouth not properly catching up to his mind in that time to stop the blonde from hurting himself. He steps forward now, reaching out for the man in front of him, fingers just barely grazing the fabric of Alex’s sweatshirt before the elder wrenches back, out and away from Jack’s grasp.

Alex looks up in time to see the hurt that crosses Jack’s face as he steps back again, putting more space between them. Jack’s voice is pleading as he says Alex’s name, stepping forward to reach out for the elder a second time, watching the tears swim in his best friend’s eyes.

“Get away from me!” Alex shrieks, voice rising in pitch as he stumbles back again. He’s upset and hurt, and although part of him wants to scream and yell at Jack, a much larger part wants nothing more than to let the younger help him, but he can’t – he can’t cave in now.

The look in Jack’s eyes changes then, going from a mix of desperation and hurt to clouding over in anger. Alex realizes a second too late that he went too far, and then Jack is screaming at him. “Why won’t you let me help you?”

Alex shakes his head violently, stumbling backwards until he’s pressed against the wall. Jack doesn't move, remains rooted to the spot he’d stopped in, leaving a couple of feet of distance between them now. “I can’t.” He has to strain to keep his voice from cracking, tone dropping considerably low as he says the last word.

Jack scoffs “The fuck you can’t, Alex!” He slams the envelope down onto the counter beside him, running his hands through his hair. Alex can see the frustration lining the younger’s posture, knows he’s the reason for it. “Why are you doing this?” Jack asks, hands still in his hair.

The pain in Alex’s palm is excruciating and he wants nothing more than to disappear right now, but his mind is completely blank and he’s failing to come up with ways to get out of this situation. Jack drops his hands, letting them settle against his sides as he waits for Alex to answer.

“You don’t understand.” Is all Alex manages, watching the man in front of him bristle at his words.

“No – no you’re right I don’t.” Alex knows what’s coming next. He curls into himself more, ignoring the wet spilling over onto his cheeks as he waits. It doesn't take long, a few seconds at most, before Jack is screaming at him again.

“I don’t understand anything that you do, Alex. I really fucking don’t, but all I've ever tried to do is be there for you. All I ever want to do is help you, but all you do is push me away. I don’t understand, but you could at least try and explain it to me! I’m not going to leave – I think you should have realized that by now.”

He pauses, digging into his eyes with the heels of his palms in frustration while he tries to pinpoint exactly what he wants to get across.

“I know that you’re scared, and you have every reason to be, okay? But that doesn't give you the right to lock yourself up in that head of yours and block everyone else out. I deserve to know what’s going on, I deserve to be able to ask if you’re okay and actually get an honest answer. It’s been five years. Five god damned years since we met and half the time I still don’t know if you trust me or not.”

“Of course I trust you.” Alex chokes out, clenching his fists involuntarily and earning a shooting pain from his palm in response.

He’s crying at this point, full on continuous crying, and Jack has to physically restrain himself from reaching out to comfort the man in front of him – he has to get his point across.

“I don’t think you do. I can’t keep doing this, Alex. I can’t keep waiting around until you’re ready to let me in again. I can’t handle watching you destroy yourself like this. Do you have any fucking idea how much it hurts to see you like this? When you come home after you've been with clients and you’re cut and bruised and hurt, but you just brush it off like it’s nothing. I can’t fucking stand the way you look at yourself. And I don’t think you realize how much I need you, but you won’t let yourself need me back and that kills me.”

He pauses again, shutting his eyes before speaking again, voice much quieter and more controlled than before. “I can’t do this anymore, Alex. Not if you won’t let me in.”

It takes Alex a few minutes to calm himself down enough to move. His hands are shaking against his chest as he leans up off of the wall, steadying himself on his feet. Part of him wants to speak, reach out and reassure Jack that he needs him more than anything, but he can't bring himself to. Instead he turns, fleeing the situation entirely.

Jack doesn't move from his current position – he’s taken to leaning against the counter top, head in his hands on top of the marble. He can hear Alex walking away, but doesn't try to stop him, every ounce of fight has fled his body.

Jack knows he went too far, but doesn't really regret it yet. The sound of the front door slamming shut a moment later still causes him to flinch though.