Hell Above

Alex breaks down once he makes it into the elevator. There’s an old, uptight looking lady beside him who shoots him the most vile glare when he tries to choke back a sob, but he doesn't even notice. He’s trying to get his breathing under control, only serving to bring a tight pain to his chest and a gross hitching to his sobs. He’s unsteady on his feet, the descent of the elevator making him sway as his shaking hands grip the handrail, the sting in his left palm roaring up again.

By the time he’s made it outside he can barely breathe and his vision is blurry. The moment he steps out of the large glass doors of the building and onto the sidewalk he’s hit hard with the freezing temperature that the city is currently embracing.

He curls his arms around himself, ducking his head down as he heads down the street, trying to avoid the mass around him as much as possible. A small part of him hopes that Jack will follow after him, but a larger part wants to be left alone right now. He needs to think through everything that just happened, and if Jack were to come after him Alex knows he’d push it all down and away until it’s no longer relevant.

He needs to go through the motions in his head before he sees Jack again. So, he decides, he’ll get his thoughts together and then go home. Fuck. Is he even allowed back home? Does Jack want him back?

He cuts that thought process off quickly, shaking his head as he walks. He’s got his eyes glued to the sidewalk, sidestepping all of the shoes that come into his line of vision. The noise and lights and movement of the city around him is just one huge blur at the moment, he’s too unfocused to see it all.

Alex knows this is his fault, and it all could have been avoided if he just hadn't pushed Jack away. He knows Jack had every right to blow up at him like he had, but it still hurts. Everything hurts currently, his head, his chest, his heart, his hand.

He uncurls his hand, bringing it into his line of vision. He has to squint to focus against the glare of the lights around him and the wet in his eyes. There’s an angry red patch running the width of his hand, outlining where he’d gripped the handle and despite how badly it still stings, it doesn't look too bad.

If only Alex’s current situation were the same way.

-

Nearly an hour of walking aimlessly later, Alex realizes he’s sort of lost. He knows the general area, he used to live about a block over from where he’s currently standing, but it’s been over 5 years since he’s been in this part of the city and his memory is failing him at the moment.

He doesn't really know how he ended up here, but he’s not ready to go back and try to patch things up with Jack yet. He still has things to sort out with himself first, so instead of turning back around the way he came, he heads forward instead, crossing the street, and then taking another left. Several familiar apartment buildings rise up before him, the streets surrounding them dark and empty.

This is one of the worst parts of the city, and despite the rational side of Alex screaming at him to stop where he is and go back to where the street lights actually work, he proceeds, ignoring his conscious and the way his heartbeat is accelerating.

He’s stopped crying at this point, calmed down and slowed his pace enough to think through the events that took place an hour before. Jack kicked him out, or was going to? Alex doesn't even know, he’s not sure if Jack actually meant what he said when he told Alex to leave or if he was just trying to get through to him. Knowing Jack, and Alex thinks he knows his best friend pretty well, he figures Jack probably just wanted to rile him up enough to break the front he’d been putting up for the past month.

Alex feels so stupid now, coming to a stop in front of his old apartment building. It looks so daunting and unfamiliar now. He could have avoided all of this. He could have been cuddling with Jack for the past month, but instead he chose to push the younger away, to try and ignore these new feelings.

I’m such an idiot, he thinks, sitting down on the steps in front of him. Pushing Jack away had accomplished absolutely nothing, aside from causing Alex’s new found feelings to fire back full force now that he’s fucked everything up.

He should've known it wouldn't work, putting distance between them. It never has in the past, so why did he think this time would be any different? This time was worse.

Alex groans, dropping his head into his hands, resting his elbows on his knees where they’re bent on the step beneath the one he’s sitting on. He’s glad that the burn in his hand has stopped aching considerably, but there’s still a dull throb to the wound that he wishes would quit, it’s just a painful reminder of how stupid he’s been.

He’s also freezing. The only thing he’d had on before he left the apartment was a thin sweatshirt and a pair of skinny jeans, and had only thought to slip on shoes in his mad dash to leave the apartment earlier. It’s got to be no more than 50 degrees outside right now, and sitting on cold pavement in near pitch black isn't helping anything.

Alex knows he needs to go back soon, but can’t bring himself to get up. There’s too much running through his mind, too many thoughts and fragments and memories for him to concentrate. He remembers the first night he spent in his apartment, the way he’d laid awake for hours that night because he couldn't bring himself to sleep. He was scared and cold and homesick, but he knew that he was better off alone in a city he didn't know than to go back home to his abusive father. He’d dropped everything when he left, despite having it planned out for months. It still felt so sudden at the time, so fucking wrong.

It was wrong. Seventeen year olds aren't supposed to drop out of high school 7 months before graduating and move 300 miles away from the only place they've ever known, just to go off and live on their own. He had to though, he couldn't take it anymore and knew that if he didn't get out when he did then there was no guarantee he would get the chance again.

It’s not even like he left that much behind. He’d never had anything to call his own before Jack walked into his life. Alex had skimmed through his years in school with a decent set of friends, but none of them went any further than skin deep. He didn't really trust any of them, none of them knew what his home life was like, and he didn't hang out with them outside of school or parties on the weekends.
Alex had never had anyone until Jack. He’d been settled in the city for a good year when he and Jack crossed paths. And despite Alex’s best attempts at denying the friendship, (he was a good and true asshole to the younger at first), suddenly he had Jack, this down to earth rich kid with stupid hair and a really endearing smile, one that he gave and still gives Alex a lot.

Alex has never been thankful for anything at all aside from how thankful he is for having Jack. He doesn't even want to think about where he might be if the younger hadn't found him. Jack fucking saved him. Alex knows he owes it to both the younger and himself to stop being selfish and go back home, admit that he was wrong and hope to god that Jack wasn't serious when he told Alex to leave.

-

By the time Alex makes it back to Jack’s apartment, it’s stupidly late. His phone is dead, and he’s praying to some larger entity that Jack left the door unlocked, otherwise he’s totally fucked and will end up spending the night in the hallway (it’s happened before).

He lets out a quiet sigh of relief when the door knob turns fully, the door clicking open just after. The living room light is on, but one glance around reveals that the room is completely empty. Alex shuts the door behind him quietly before making the walk through, going into the kitchen to find it empty and then heading down the hall towards the bedroom. The door is open, the lights off and Alex enters to find it empty as well.

He changes out of his jeans, slipping on a pair of Jack’s sweats in replacement. After returning to the living room, he claims the armchair by the couch, curling up against the throw pillow as he settles down to wait for Jack to come back home so he can fix them.