Breaking Hearts Still Looks Pretty Cool

A door opened. “Hey,” a voice breezed. I was dimly aware of a warm hand clutching mine gently, and I thought I might recognise the familiar grip, but I hardly dared to believe it; I felt like everything that had just happened had been a dream.

I kept my eyes closed.

“Hey,” said another voice, from closer to me, and my heart began to race so fast I felt sure that he would be able to feel my quickening pulse in my hand as he held it.

“How is she?” asked Mikey’s voice, and the loud creak of what I assumed was a dilapidated old hospital chair sounded as he clearly sat down,

“I don’t know,” Gerard whispered back. He was either too distressed to speak properly, or afraid of waking me up. I hoped against hope that he was not upset.

“Still not awake then?” Mikey sounded thoughtful, but not upset.

I had definitely done myself damage in allowing myself to think about Gerard so much during my time in captivity; had I even imagined his lips on mine? It was going to make living life not by his side all the harder. I wanted to slap my forehead and shake myself out physically to clear my mind, but I suspected it would hurt too much, so I stayed stock still with my lids fastened over my eyes.

“No,” Gerard replied to Mikey’s question.

“So...” Mikey began, “are we ever going to talk about...?” he trailed off uncertainly,

“I’m sorry,” said Gerard quickly, “I didn’t mean to...” he paused,

“The first thing you did was kiss her,” said Mikey quietly. It was not a question, or even a continuation of Gerard’s unfinished apology, but a statement of pure fact. I was shocked; the memories that circulated in my mind of Gerard’s lips pressed feverishly to mine were real after all. My heart accelerated once again, and I could have sworn that I saw Gerard’s eyes flick towards me at the slight change.

“I know,” Gerard sounded deeply regretful, and the butterflies in my stomach faltered slightly, “I know I had no right...I know I told you that you could...” it seemed like the speech was difficult for him, from the tension in his perfect voice, “have her,” he choked the words out like poison, “but I was being stupid...”

“I know,” said Mikey, and I was surprised to hear a chuckle in his voice, “I was being stupid too, I should never have taken your word for it that you were over her,”

There was a companionable silence and I imagined that they were both reflecting on their odd, shared feelings towards me. I felt horrible for eavesdropping on their private conversation, but there was no other option; engrossed as I was, it would have been impossible to fall asleep.

“I thought that if I made us both unavailable, that I could be,” commented Gerard, and I could just imagine shaking his head at his slightly flawed actions, “you know, in case moving on after three years of wallowing was healthier,”

They both laughed lightly, and relief seeped through my body; through my selfishness and insatiable need for love, I had not damaged their brotherly bond. It was beautiful to hear.

“You’re still in love with her,” said Mikey firmly. Again, it was a pure statement and I stopped breathing in anticipation of Gerard’s response.

“Of course I fucking do,” replied Gerard softly, and I felt his x-ray gaze turn to my face. I relaxed myself and hoped that he could not tell I was actually awake. Apparently he couldn’t, because he took a breath and replied to Mikey. “I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to not love her. I didn’t see her for more than a couple of seconds in three years and yet she was the only thing I thought of...and if I thought that was bad, that’s nothing to being so near to her and not having her. She is all I want, but if she didn’t want me, then I would do what made her happy...”

“What are you saying..?” Mikey asked curiously,

“If she wants you, then she can have you, I just want both of you to be happy,” Gerard tightened his grip on my hand though, as if he did not quite want to relinquish me yet.

“She only wants you,” said Mikey quickly, and he was right.

There was a silence, and I knew that Gerard would be contemplating the fact that this was true.

“Do you love her?” Gerard asked,

“Not as much as you,” Mikey replied, “I’ll live to love again,”

“I won’t,” said Gerard, “not as long as I live...she’s it, Mikey,”

The door to what I guessed was my own little private room swung open again.

“Hey guys,” said Frank’s voice, “what’s up?”

I knew Frank well enough to know that by ‘what’s up?’ he meant ‘so which one of you is going to be my brother-in-law then?’

“Well...” began Gerard, but Frank gasped dramatically, interrupting him.

“What?” Gerard demanded, and his chair scraped across the ground as he jumped in his seat, “is she ok?”

“My twintuition tells me that she’s not really asleep!” said Frank, and I just knew that he would be pointing towards my bed in an accusing way.

“What?” asked Mikey,
“Frank!” moaned Gerard, “she’s ILL! She’s just been taken HOSTAGE! You can’t just say that about her!”

I felt a rush of gratitude towards Gerard, but I knew that I had been found out.

“I know you love her, Gee,” said Frank, in his usual mock indignant tone, “but seriously...you’ve been played; whatever intense conversation you were having, she heard it.”

Frank had always known me too well.

“Hey, C, don’t worry about it,” Frank’s voice grew louder as he approached the head of the bed, “I’d totally do the same thing,”

I cracked an eye open, knowing that I would not be able to suppress my building smirk any longer.

“I knew it!” he shouted, pointing at me, gleefully this time. Gerard dropped my hand in surprise, possibly in shock that I had potentially overheard his and Mikey’s whole conversation.

“What?” I asked, playing innocent for Mikey and Gerard’s sake, although I knew that Frank would see through me. Twintuition, after all, never lies. “I just heard all of this commotion,”

Both Mikey and Gerard looked towards Frank in annoyance, and he snorted loudly.
“Whatever; I’m so happy you’re ok,” he enveloped me in a slightly smelly, but very tight embrace and kissed my forehead.

“I have never been so scared,” he said, in a rare serious moment, “where would I be without my twin...”

“Dead,” I answered quickly, “you know, in sympathy,”

“Hey!” Frank nudged me, “can you not take anything seriously? That’s not funny! You could have...”

“Oh don’t be a drama queen,” I said in a bored voice, but cracked him a brilliant grin. Gerard loved me, so the pain in my broken ribs and the ache in the rest of my body and the dull burn of my broken wrist did not hurt; nothing could be wrong with the world.

“Well I can see you’ve recovered quickly!” said Frank, pretending to be haughty,

“What about Annabelle?” I gasped, surprised I hadn’t thought of her sooner,

“She’s fine,” Frank answered slowly, “her injuries are mostly superficial...she was discharged this morning, but she’s with Bob and Ray in the waiting room...I’m going to tell them that you’re ok,”

He gave Gerard and Mikey identical significant looks as he left the room, “I’ll see you soon Connie, ok?”

“Ok,” I smiled warmly at him, appreciating him more than ever.

Gerard looked at me in what I thought was a slightly wistful way, and then back at Mikey, his breathtaking eyes wide. I was taken back to the first time I met him when I was totally arrested by his eyes, his smile, his tousled hair, every single little thing about him...

“Just go for it,” Mikey sighed, but not bitterly, and I couldn’t immediately work out what he meant.

Gerard locked his slightly dewy eyes with mine and clutched my hand once again.

“Connie, I love you,” he said, and hearing the words addressed to me personally made me sure that they were true, “I always have, I probably always will. I’ll be here for you in any way you ever want me, and all I want is for you to be happy, and I’m sorry that I ever let you think that I didn’t still love you and want you and,” he took a quick breath, “and it made me feel sick with jealousy when I saw you with Mikey and Jessica is long gone, she was on the first plane home as soon as the bus disappeared...as soon as she could see for sure how I still felt about you, and...”

“Gerard?” I interrupted his rambling,

“Yeah?” he asked, apparently astounded that I had stopped him in his tracks,

“Shut the hell up, and kiss me already,”

He grinned, and obliged happily. Fireworks exploded everywhere; and my insides were so light I felt I was floating on air up to Heaven.

“Mikey,” I uttered, when Gerard pulled away, “I’m so so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you or-“

I couldn’t find a way to communicate into words the twisting, dark guilt that slightly tarnished my euphoria over Gerard.

“It’s ok,” Mikey lifted a hand to stop me from talking, and his smile was genuine, extending to his eyes. “It doesn’t even hurt...you two are...right, somehow,”

He was right. We were right.

Some things are just meant to be.