Love
~*~Love~*~
Love is a funny, funny thing. We look at love as something we can not live without, something that we must have at all times. And yet we shield ourselves from it. We hid our utmost feelings inside ourselves, bottling them up, never to be released.
We want love and yet are afraid to except it. We want to be love and give love and yet we hid from it. We are afraid of it in a sense, afraid of being hurt, rejected, and unloved. So we bottle up all of our feelings and thoughts in order to protect ourselves.
We think that this will shield us from the inevitable hurt that is to come. We feel that to trust is to lose. If you give your heart, your feelings, and your every being to someone, you will be hurt. We never think that love can be good, pure, and wonderful. We may think that we do, but in the end we fear. Always in the back of our mind is the thought of losing love, losing the trust, losing ourselves. So we start to become distant, removed, we slowly destroy what we so wanted. We destroy everything we love in the end, leaving ashes behind. We hurt the ones we love, and hurt ourselves in return.
If only we could push aside the fears we have and just say the things we want, without the fear and the hurt to follow. If only this was possible, to finally speak the truth and in the end not feel the pain. But alas this is not possible; the pain is there, the hurt, the rejection. So we live our live with this fear guiding us, filling us, consuming us. Until we are as I am now, afraid of love.
My feelings were not always this way. I had once believed in love so strong that I dedicated my life to it, my music. I thought I had found that everlasting love I was looking for, his name was Bam. He was a gorgeous blue eyed, browned haired angel. I loved him to pieces and he loved me back. I felt as if I had found my one, my soul mate, my everlasting love. But soon my world came crashing down, and that was when I became afraid of love.
* * *
I was visiting my dear Bammie, having a drunken blast, as I always did. I had been deciding if I should finally speak the three little words that I wanted so bad to say, but never had the guts to.
We were sitting on the bed in his bedroom, watching a movie and talking. He was still giggling from a story I had just told him about hot wax and hot sauce. I looked over at him; his eyes sparkled as he laughed. I knew at that moment I needed to say it. I wanted to open my heart to him and hear those words back.
“Bam?”
“Yeah, Willa,” Bam responded as the giggles died down.
“I . . . I . . . I love you,” I blurted out, stuttering like a school girl.
He stared at me for a moment, as if taking in what I had said. His face showed no emotion, no sign of anything. Then he turned away from me and got off the bed, making his way for the door. He didn’t say anything to me when I called his name. He opened the door and shut it, without a word or a glance at me. I was crushed. I had been so sure that he had felt as I did. All the nights of talking, touching, the small, light kisses we shared. The sudden realization came to me, I had been wrong. My feelings for him were my own; he did not feel as I did, as I though he did. I had opened my heart to him and he had crushed it. In one fatal moment my ideas on love were crushed. I sat in the bed, tears pouring out of my eyes. I hear the Hummer start up and it peel out of the driveway. He had left me.
I gathered my things and called a cab. I was going to go home, alone, and hurt. In one moment I had lost everything I had with Bam. I lost the wonderful friendship we had; in general I had lost him. I always thought I would have him in my life in one way or another. But to have him not in it at all, that was unthinkable. Yet there I was, alone and without Bam.
* * *
That was the night that I began to fear love. That night I swore it off. I never wanted to feel that pain again, so I began to live within myself. I bottled up every feeling I had. I confided in no one. I wanted to shut out the world and everyone in it.
No matter how hard I tried the pain never went away. Years past and I still felt it as strong as the day it appeared. Bam never called, never wrote, never came to a show again. With the three words I have coveted, I had lost him.
So now I warn you all, love can be wonderful, love can be grand, but love can hurt you more than a bullet can. Be careful who you open up to, protect yourself from the pain. But for me, love is a distant memory, just a memory.
We want love and yet are afraid to except it. We want to be love and give love and yet we hid from it. We are afraid of it in a sense, afraid of being hurt, rejected, and unloved. So we bottle up all of our feelings and thoughts in order to protect ourselves.
We think that this will shield us from the inevitable hurt that is to come. We feel that to trust is to lose. If you give your heart, your feelings, and your every being to someone, you will be hurt. We never think that love can be good, pure, and wonderful. We may think that we do, but in the end we fear. Always in the back of our mind is the thought of losing love, losing the trust, losing ourselves. So we start to become distant, removed, we slowly destroy what we so wanted. We destroy everything we love in the end, leaving ashes behind. We hurt the ones we love, and hurt ourselves in return.
If only we could push aside the fears we have and just say the things we want, without the fear and the hurt to follow. If only this was possible, to finally speak the truth and in the end not feel the pain. But alas this is not possible; the pain is there, the hurt, the rejection. So we live our live with this fear guiding us, filling us, consuming us. Until we are as I am now, afraid of love.
My feelings were not always this way. I had once believed in love so strong that I dedicated my life to it, my music. I thought I had found that everlasting love I was looking for, his name was Bam. He was a gorgeous blue eyed, browned haired angel. I loved him to pieces and he loved me back. I felt as if I had found my one, my soul mate, my everlasting love. But soon my world came crashing down, and that was when I became afraid of love.
* * *
I was visiting my dear Bammie, having a drunken blast, as I always did. I had been deciding if I should finally speak the three little words that I wanted so bad to say, but never had the guts to.
We were sitting on the bed in his bedroom, watching a movie and talking. He was still giggling from a story I had just told him about hot wax and hot sauce. I looked over at him; his eyes sparkled as he laughed. I knew at that moment I needed to say it. I wanted to open my heart to him and hear those words back.
“Bam?”
“Yeah, Willa,” Bam responded as the giggles died down.
“I . . . I . . . I love you,” I blurted out, stuttering like a school girl.
He stared at me for a moment, as if taking in what I had said. His face showed no emotion, no sign of anything. Then he turned away from me and got off the bed, making his way for the door. He didn’t say anything to me when I called his name. He opened the door and shut it, without a word or a glance at me. I was crushed. I had been so sure that he had felt as I did. All the nights of talking, touching, the small, light kisses we shared. The sudden realization came to me, I had been wrong. My feelings for him were my own; he did not feel as I did, as I though he did. I had opened my heart to him and he had crushed it. In one fatal moment my ideas on love were crushed. I sat in the bed, tears pouring out of my eyes. I hear the Hummer start up and it peel out of the driveway. He had left me.
I gathered my things and called a cab. I was going to go home, alone, and hurt. In one moment I had lost everything I had with Bam. I lost the wonderful friendship we had; in general I had lost him. I always thought I would have him in my life in one way or another. But to have him not in it at all, that was unthinkable. Yet there I was, alone and without Bam.
* * *
That was the night that I began to fear love. That night I swore it off. I never wanted to feel that pain again, so I began to live within myself. I bottled up every feeling I had. I confided in no one. I wanted to shut out the world and everyone in it.
No matter how hard I tried the pain never went away. Years past and I still felt it as strong as the day it appeared. Bam never called, never wrote, never came to a show again. With the three words I have coveted, I had lost him.
So now I warn you all, love can be wonderful, love can be grand, but love can hurt you more than a bullet can. Be careful who you open up to, protect yourself from the pain. But for me, love is a distant memory, just a memory.