A New Life

-Charlie-
“Babe, are you sure you sure you want me to go with you?” Sean asks as we pull into the parking lot at the doctor’s office.
“Yeah. Unless you don’t want to go.” I respond.
“I do!” He interjects quickly. “Trust me, I do. I will do anything and everything for you. I just know it’s going to be really hard. And I want you to be comfortable sharing everything with her. I don’t know if me being there would change that.”

My heart swells at the thought. Sean has been so worried about me lately. I’ve been a little worried too, but there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it.

“I’ll be more comfortable with you there. I want you to know what’s going on inside my head, even if I have no clue myself.” I admit.
“Then I will be there for you, love.” He says.

As soon as we’re parked, he’s out of the car and rushing around to my side. He helps me up out of the seat, both of us being very careful. In the past couple of days, I’ve exploded. The girls are both growing at an alarming rate, and with only three more months left in the pregnancy, we know I’m going to be put on complete bed rest soon. I’m definitely not looking forward to being bedridden, but I’ll do whatever it takes to deliver these babies healthy.

Sean’s hand never leaves my back as he guides me to the elevator doors. I’m definitely thankful for the first floor bedroom in our house now, since steps have become an issue for me. The elevator opens and we step in. I press the button for the sixth floor and they close before Sean speaks again.

“Before we go in there, I just want you to know how incredibly proud of you I am.” He says, rubbing small circles on my aching back. “You’re so strong, Charlie.”
I shake my head slightly.
“I’m not as strong as you think I am.” I admit.
“But you’re stronger than you think you are.” He says.

I look down at my feet. Well, I can’t see my feet. But I look down at the bump where my feet should be.

We reach our floor and head into the office, hand in hand. I sign in using our pseudo name and we sit in two chairs secluded from the rest of the room. There are only three other people here, but we still have to be careful. The media and the fans don’t need to know we’re here. They’ll just make it a big deal when it’s really not.

“Mrs. Colemann?” The receptionist says. “Dr. Hughes will see you now.”

I smile at her and Sean helps me to my feet. His overbearing nature has gotten a little frustrating a couple of times, but I understand he’s just worried about us. And I appreciate the extra helping hand when I’m trying to stand up.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Couturier.” Dr. Hughes says as Sean and I make our way into her office. “Mr. Couturier.”

Sean helps me lower myself down onto the comfortable couch and takes his seat next tome, resting his arm around on the back around my shoulders.

“Since you’ve both already been here, I don’t have to go through the usual speech about what I do and all that. So let’s get right to the reason why you’re here.” She says.

I take a deep breath, lacing my fingers with Sean’s.

“I’m nervous about the pregnancy.” I start. “I-” I sigh, and look at Sean.
“We’re worried she might be in some emotional trouble.” He finishes.
Dr. Hughes nods and takes out a notepad.
“Tell me about what you’ve been experiencing.”

I start into the description of the dream I had the other night. It’s the first time Sean has heard it, and I can see the sadness take over his face when I get to the part where the Taliban man tells me I’ll have to choose. Me or the babies.

A stray tear falls down his cheek and it breaks my heart. I quickly reach over and wipe it off. He sniffles a little.

“Let’s begin by talking about how you felt about the dream.” Dr. Hughes says.
“I hate it.” I say immediately. “I hate it so much.”
“Why?”
“It scares me! It angers me. Why should I have to choose between keeping myself alive or my babies alive? Why should I have to stay awake all night, wondering how Sean will survive with our twin girls if I die during childbirth?” Sean tenses up next to me.

“If you don’t mind me asking, which would you choose?” She asks.
“Why should I have to worry about making that decision? Because I’ll tell you right now if I had to, I would die. The selfish choice would be to keep myself alive. But not only would I lose my children, but I would then have to live with the regret of killing the one thing Sean has always wanted. The one thing that keeps us together forever. So of course I would sacrifice myself for them. They’re our daughters, Dr. Hughes.”

“It seems like you’ve thought about this a lot.” She says.
“Every night since the dream.” I admit.
“Do you really think they’re the only thing keeping us together?” Sean asks, his voice small and filled with pain.

I look down at my hands, fiddling with them.

“Not right now, no. But... I don’t know.” I respond.
“Charlie.” He gasps. I can feel the pain in his heart.
“You’re a superstar, Sean.” I start. “You deserve everything. You deserve your girls.”
“I deserve you. And our girls. Both.”
“But if you couldn’t have both? If I lost them. You would be heartbroken, Sean. You would probably blame me. I would blame me. Then you wouldn’t be able to stand looking at me. Knowing I hurt our girls.”
“NO!” He shouts. “I would blame the fucker who tried to blow you up. It’s his fault your body isn’t the ideal vessel to carry twins. It’s his fault you got injured. It’s not your fault, Charlie. Please don’t think that.”

I can’t hold back my tears, and they start to flow freely. Sean quickly grabs a tissue from the box on the table, wiping my eyes for me.

“So why do you think that you have to make a decision?” Dr. Hughes asks.
I look at her, confused.
“Why should you have to make that decision?” She asks.

“My body isn’t meant to carry twins.” I say. “My uterus is damaged.”
“No, I guess not. But you’ve carried them this far.” She says.
“Baby, I know what the doctors have all said. I know it’s a huge risk that we have two little girls in here.” Sean says, rubbing my stomach. “But I also know our family. You and me and our two little girls. That is our family, and that will be our family. Until we add another. Maybe it’s dangerous. But it’ll be so worth it the first time we bring them home.”

“If we ever bring them home.” I say.
“Charlie.” Sean whispers. His head drops and his hand grips mine tightly.
“Charlie, are you excited about having these babies?” She asks.
I have to think about it for a second.
“I think I’m too terrified to be excited.” I admit.

“I think this session is going to be over.” Dr. Hughes says, closing her notepad. “But I want you to do something for me, Charlie.”
“Yeah?”
“How much have you done with their room?”
“Nothing.” I admit.
“I want you to plan your ultimate baby room. Pick everything out. Their cribs, their changing table. Even the wall colors and first toys. When you come back in a couple weeks, I want the entire plan.”
“But-”

“Charlie, you need to accept that they’re going to be here in a couple months. There’s a possibility that you’ll have some complications. But there is also a chance that all three of you will be completely fine. Most pregnant women already have their babies’ rooms planned and set up by now. I want you to find the joy and excitement that they have. I want you to have fun designing your ultimate dream baby room. Don’t worry about cost or space or practicality or anything else. Just plan what would make you the happiest. What you want to walk into every morning when you get your girls ready for the day. What will make you happy.”

“Okay.” I say.
“And I don’t want Sean to help you at all. Actually, I don’t want him to even see it until our next session. I want this to purely be about you. Your dreams. Your happiness.”

Sean nods his head in agreement.

“I think I can do that.” I say.
“Good.” She smiles.

After we wrap up the session, Sean leads me out to the car. He’s been silent since I admitted that I’m not excited about this situation. That I’m more terrified than anything else. It breaks me heart to admit it, so I can’t even imagine how he must feel hearing it.

“Are you mad at me?” I ask softly.
“No.” He says, carefully. “I’m upset. I’m hurt. I’m- I feel broken, Charlie. To think that my wife is too terrified about dying or disappointing me that she can’t be excited about being pregnant with my babies. It’s not fair, Charlie. You should be allowed to be excited about this. This is the greatest thing in the world. We made two human beings. We created them. They’re us, Charlie.”
“I know. I want to be excited, believe me. I really do.”
“I know you do, love.” He says. “I do. I know.”
“I just-”
“You’re too scared.”
“Yeah.”

He takes my hand in his, wrapping it with his warmth. His rough calloused fingers start massaging the muscles in my small palm.

“I made a promise to you, Charlotte Rose Colemann Couturier.” He says. “When I put this ring on your finger, I promised you that I will always be by your side. In sickness and in health, in he best of times and the worst. Every moment of the rest of my life, I will love you and I will take care of you. I don’t care what happens. If we-” He clears his throat a little. “If we lose the girls, it will be absolutely devastating. But at least we’ll still have each other. If I lose you, baby... If I lose you, my whole life is over.”

I sniffle a little, kinda understanding what he’s trying to say.

“I love you, Sean.” I whisper.
“Then don’t ever leave me. Please.” He begs.
“I won’t.” I promise.