A New Life

-Sean-
Charlie’s fingers squeeze my hand lightly and I watch a small tear escape down her cheek. Her mouth twitches and her eyes close. The monitors start beeping frantically and my heart stops.

“Ch-Charlie?” I ask.
“Please remove Mr. Couturier from the room.” Dr. Roberts asks gently.
“What? What- no! No, I can’t leave!” I protest, eyeing the blood all over her gloves.
“Please, Sean. We need the room. I can’t argue with you.” She says.

A nurse comes from nowhere and pushes me towards the door.

“No! What’s going on? I need to be with her!” I cry, not really putting up a physical fight.

She pushes me out into the hallway, and I collapse on the floor against the wall, sobs wracking my body.

“Is there anyone in the waiting room for you?” She asks, her voice a little shaky.
“M-My mom.” I whisper.
“I’ll go get her if you promise to stay here. Don’t try to go back in there.” She says.
“I can’t just- I can’t just leave her in there!” I protest.

“Mr. Couturier, it’s in your wife’s best interest if you listen to Dr. Roberts and stay out here. She and the nurses need the room to move around.” She explains.

I silently nod my head and she hurries away towards the waiting area. I think about bolting for the door, but I stop myself. I’m ferociously protective of my wife, but I’m not an idiot. Dr. Roberts is the best for a reason. She’s going to save Charlie.

I have to believe that, right?

The nurse returns a minute later with my mother in tow. Her face is panicked and when I stand, she pulls me into her arms. I sob into her shoulder.

“Oh, Sean.” She murmurs, rubbing my back.

I can’t respond. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I can only sob.

My mom holds me as I collapse back onto the hospital floor. My whole body shakes. What do I do right now? What’s the proper behavior for a man who just watched as his wife struggled for her life giving birth to his children? She’s still in there. She’s still fighting, even though it looks like she gave up. How am I supposed to handle this?

She is still fighting, right? She has to. My Charlie is a fighter.

After a while, I can’t produce any more tears. My body is exhausted. I bury my face in my mom’s shoulder and just sit there, thinking about Charlie.

“Sean?” I hear Dr. Roberts say.
My head shoots up and I stand quickly, blood rushing to my brain.
“How is she?” I ask, my voice scratchy.
“She’s still in critical condition, but we’ve stabilized her for the moment.”

I sigh and lean into my mother’s arms.

“She’s such a strong woman.” My mom says, rubbing my arm.
“We’re moving her to a private room right now. You can go see her in a little while once she’s settled, and I’ll explain more about what happened and what our plan is for going forward. But first, would you like to see your girls?” Dr. Roberts asks.

My heart skips a beat. My girls. My sweet little baby girls. They’re here. They’re waiting for me.

Oh my god. I’m officially a father.

“Yes. Yes, I want to see them. Yes.”

I grasp my mom’s hand, feeling her squeeze it tightly. Dr. Roberts leads us to the neonatal intensive care unit. She makes us wash our arms all the way past our elbows and helps us slip into the proper protective gear. She explains that it’s for their safety. They’re both so little and their immune systems are weak. So it’s important that we protect them from anything we could bring in.

I don’t care if they told me I had to completely sanitize my entire body. I’d do it for my girls.

When my mom and I are both washed and prepared, she has the nurse open the door and leads us into a sterile room. I hand the nurse my phone, already open to my camera. There are multiple little chambers set up with babies in them, but two have been pushed next to each other. Dr. Roberts walks right up to them and begins opening the small box. A different nurse joins her, opening the other.

I pause.

“Sean?” My mom asks.
“I- What if I’m a bad father?” I ask.
“Why would you think that?”
I look at her.
“I don’t know how to do this.” I admit. “I don’t know anything about being a father. I have no idea what I’m doing. What if I’m horrible?”

She smiles.

“Sean, would you say your father is a good father?” She asks.
“Of course.” I respond immediately.
“I’m going to let you in on a little secret. When you were born, neither of us had any idea what we were doing. Neither of us knew how to be parents.”
I sigh, understanding her point.
“Sean, I know you’re going to be an amazing father.” She assures me.

I have to be an amazing father. I have no other choice. My girls, they deserve the very best. That’s what I have to be.

I turn back to the two little boxes where Dr. Roberts has picked up a tiny pink blanket. I feel tears well up in my eyes and step forward, my vision slightly blurry. Dr. Roberts meets me and holds out the pink bundle in her arms.

“This is your older daughter.” She says.

I take the tiny bundle from her hands and tears start falling freely. The blanket is wrapped tightly around her body, and a hat is pulled low over her face. But I can see her eyes, closed to the world. Her nose is minuscule and her mouth is pulled into a tight line. Everything looks like a little doll, and she can’t weigh any more than a couple pounds.

“She weighs two pounds and fourteen ounces.” Dr. Roberts says, reading my mind.
My mouth twitches into a smile at that declaration. Fourteen ounces. My lucky number.
“She’s perfect.” I respond.
“Did you and Charlie discuss names?” She asks.
“This is Madison Grace Couturier.” I respond confidently.
“Oh.” My mom sighs, recognizing her mother’s name as my little Maddy’s middle name.
“Mom, would you like to hold her?” I ask.

My mom can’t hold back any longer, and begins to cry through her smile as she takes Maddy from my hands. I give my baby girl a light kiss on the nose before turning to the nurse and my second beautiful daughter.

“What’s connected to her?” I ask, my voice shaky.
“Well, since she’s so tiny she’s having a little trouble breathing on her own right now. So this machine is here to assist her until her lungs fully develop and can support herself.” Dr. Roberts answers.
“She’s okay though, right? She’s going to be okay.”
“For now, she’s going to have to stay on the machine. There may be some small issues we run into here and there in the future. But if her lungs can develop properly, there shouldn’t be any major issues. We’ll know more as time goes on.”

“She weighs two pounds and six ounces.” The nurse says, gently pulling back the purple blanket so I can see her face.

I stare at the beautiful girl in front of me. She looks so much like her sister, but I can already see the slight differences between them. They’re not identical.

“Can I-?” I ask.
“You can’t pick her up just yet. But you can touch her all you want.”

Her cheeks are a little paler than her sister’s. I lean my nose down to press it against her forehead.

“Isabella Michelle Couturier.” I announce. “My Bella.”

As if she heard my voice and already knows her name, her little hazel eyes open when I speak. She looks right into my eyes and I suck in a breath, forcing back the tears threatening to spill over. She’s so perfect.

They’re both perfect.

“You two did well.” My mom says fondly, peeking over my shoulder at Bella.
“Is it possible to love multiple people more than anything else in the world?” I ask.

Dr. Roberts and my mom both chuckle.

“Of course it is, dear. That’s called parenthood.” Mom responds.
“I’m not even going to try to understand it.” I chuckle. “I just- I love them.”

My mom just smiles, that insanely bright smile that means she’s proud of me. I’ve seen it when I got drafted, after my first NHL game, after my playoff hat trick against the Penguins, and on my wedding day. I’m sure it’s existed more than that, but those are the only times I’ve ever seen it.

“Already you’re a better father than most.” She says.
“I have no choice.” I admit. “They deserve the best. And that’s what I’ll be.”

She leans over presses her lips to my cheek, cradling Maddy carefully.

“Mom, can I have Maddy back?” I ask.
“Sure sweetheart.”
She hands me back my oldest daughter and I cradle her in my arms. She cries a little and I almost lose all the emotional composure I have left in my body.

I look from baby girl to baby girl, taking in everything I can about them. Maddy’s face is a little rounder. Bella’s cheek bones area little higher. I know Bella’s eyes are hazel, but I’m not sure what Maddy’s are yet. She hasn’t opened them. I wonder what they look like. I wonder how they’ll change once they start to grow up. Will one of them end up looking more like me and the other look more like Charlie? Will they both look like me? Will they both look like Charlie? Will it be an even mix between the two of us?

Part of me hopes they looks like Charlie. Because she’s so beautiful. But then the protective dad in me doesn’t want my girls to be so gorgeous. They don’t need boys looking at them like that.

“Sean.” My mom says, breaking me from the trance they put me under.

I look up and see that the nurse is holding my phone up. I shift slightly and smile at the camera as she clicks away.

“Mom, get in here with me.” I request.

She stands by my side with her arm around my shoulders and smiles as the nurse takes a couple more pictures.

“They’re perfect, Sean.” She whispers.
“I know.” I smile.