Dusk & Summer

tom.
dec 8, 2004.
london, england.
"Hi again." I said a little awkwardly, smiling nervously as she looked up from the red heart she was sewing onto the chest of a white dress. Her face lit up with a dazzling grin as she placed the material carelessly onto the table.

"Hi." She said back, uncrossing her legs and standing up. I noticed that today, she was wearing a pretty white dress and a pair of white, high heeled shoes.

"So um...I just thought I'd..come back and...um..." Actually, I wasn't sure why I'd come back. Without really thinking I just got onto the tube to Camden, and here I was, back at Annabelle's stall. "Um..well...we're leaving tomorrow. Going to France to play in Paris." I finished, making a face. She laughed.

"Oh, poor you, get to travel the world. However will you survive?"

I laughed and shrugged. "It's not so good when you have to leave your wife for months at a time."

"Mm, true." She replied, nodding. "But still, you get to see the world. That's more than some people. I've never been further than Cornwall."

I laughed again and scratched the back of my head.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, London's my favourite place out of everywhere we've been."

"Hmm, I suppose it helps a little bit." Anna said, smiling at me. There was a tiny pause, before I cleared my throat.

"Yeah well uh..I should be getting back to..." I trailed off, but Anna nodded.

"It was a pleasure seeing you again, Mr DeLonge." She said, holding out her hand which I shook warmly.

"You too." I replied, smiling at her. I bit on my lip ring - a nervous habit I've picked up since getting it pierced - and walked away from the stall. As I left the Lock for the second time in two days, I felt different to how I had yesterday. I sighed and looked up at the blue-ish grey sky; the weather was a bit nicer than yesterday.

My phone started vibrating in my pocket, so I quickly pulled it out and saw that the caller id was Mark.

"Hey, man." I said, holding it to my ear.

"Hey." Mark replied shortly. "You need to get back soon, we're leaving in a couple of hours."

"Okay, I'm on my way now."

I hung up and pocketed my phone as I stepped into the tube station. Pushing my ticket through the slot without really thinking, I wandered down the stairs and along the dimly lit corridor. As I stood next to the black, sooty track waiting for the tube to arrive, my mind wandered home to California; where Jen was. I sighed and ran my hand over my eyes unconsciously. I was hoping that us being apart for a couple of months would save our marriage. I'd thought that maybe a break away from each other would do the trick. But every phonecall I'd made to home, Jen still sounded unhappy and moody with me, and the sound of her voice also immediately put me on edge. I didn't know what to do. My marriage was falling apart at the seams and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

dec 22, 2004.
encinitas, california.
I took a deep breath as I pushed my key into the lock, and the door swung open. The large house was dark and silent except for the faint sound of the TV in the back room, so I made my way towards there; clutching onto the large bouquet of white roses nervously. I glanced at my watch as I neared the thin strip of light shining from underneath the door of the back room; 1.08 am. Well, it was a good sign that Jen waited up for me to get home.

"Honey?" I said quietly as I opened the door. My heartbeat quickened a little as I stared at Jen, sitting curled up on the sofa with her long brown hair tied up into a messy ponytail. She was in her pyjamas; a pair of grey sweats and a plain white tank. She looked up at me as I stepped into the room, and a small, half-forced smile appeared on her face.

"You're home." She said quietly, switching off the TV and standing up.

"Yeah I..I got you these." I said awkwardly, holding out the flowers in my hand.

"They're beautiful." Jen told me. "Thank you, Tom."

She leaned up on tiptoes and gave me an awkward peck on the mouth, before hurrying past me into the kitchen.

"Did you have a good time on tour?" She asked me as I followed her into the kitchen, rubbing my tired eyes and shrugging off my brown, Atticus zip up sweater.

"Yeah, it was good." I answered shortly, due to my tiredness and the uncomfortable atmosphere that was filling the room.

"Good." Jen replied, filling a vase up with water and arranging the roses in it. She crossed the room and placed the vase of flowers on the window sill, before turning towards me.

"Can I make you something to eat?" She asked me, and I yawned.

"No, I'm okay thanks."

Jen stands silently for a few moments, before tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Well, I'm going to go to bed." She said quietly, and I nodded.

"I'll be up in a few minutes."

"Okay."

She walked past me into the hallway, and a few seconds later I heard the stairs faintly creak as she began climbing them. I rubbed my weary eyes again and ran my fingers through my messy hair, before walking back into the hallway towards the main staircase. I slowly walked upstairs and along the familiar corridor to mine and Jen's bedroom - a place I no longer often slept in even when I was home, anymore. I opened the door and stepped inside to see Jen sitting up in bed reading a book. She glanced up at me as I walked in, and I gave her a small smile before going into our ensuite bathroom and turning on the shower. I shut the bathroom door and stripped off as I waited for the shower to heat up. Once it was hot enough, I stepped into the large shower and shut my eyes as the hot water rained down on my aching limbs.

When my shower was over, I climbed out and quickly dried myself off with my towel a little bit. I started brushing my teeth as I wandered back into the bedroom and grabbed a clean t shirt and pair of boxers from my drawers, before walking back into the bathroom and quickly dropping my towel to get changed. I then spat all the toothpaste out into the sink and finished brushing my teeth, before running my fingers through my damp hair and making my way back into the bedroom.

I slowly climbed into bed, and settled back into my pillows with a sigh. Then I reached over and switched off my bedside lamp before glancing over at Jen. She was still reading her book and she seemed pretty absorbed in it, so I sighed again and fixed my eyes on the white ceiling above me.

After five minutes of laying there in silence, Jen quietly got out of bed and padded round towards the bathroom. I watched her as she stepped into the bathroom and shut the door, before I sighed again and brought my hands up to cover my eyes. This was hell; this wasn't a marriage. She didn't even give me a proper welcome home. We hadn't seen each other for three months, and she didn't even kiss me hello.

When she came back out of the bathroom, I watched her get back into bed before I took a deep breath, and said, "Jen?"

"Mhmm?" She replied, not looking up from her book as I sat up next to her.

"Um, well." I began, laughing nervously a little as I rubbed the back of my neck. "I mean, I've been away for three months and you haven't even really looked at me."

There's a long silence, before Jen drops her book into her lap.

"I'm sorry. I'm just tired." She said in a quiet, somewhat monotonous voice. I looked up at her and tried to hold her gaze.

"It's okay."

Then after a slight, nervous pause, I quickly leant forward to kiss her. She stayed stiff for a few seconds, before kissing me back. When I felt her begin to pull away, I raised my hand and gently placed it on the back of her head as I kissed her again, this time more passionate. As she kissed me back, I gently lowered her back til she was laying down, and leaned my upper body over her. I moved my hand down onto her waist and as I began sliding it up her torso underneath her shirt, Jen broke her lips away from mine quickly and rolled onto her side.

"Not tonight Tom, I'm too tired."

She quickly switched off her bedside light, and threw the room into darkness. I stayed in the same position, quite shellshocked for a few moments, before sighing and collapsing back onto my side of the bed. I stared up into the darkness for a few minutes, before my exhaustion overtook me and began making my eyelids heavy.

I woke up the next morning very suddenly, but I'm not sure why. I sat up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, before looking over at Jen. She was still asleep. I looked past her at the clock on her bedside table, and saw that it was only 9.15 am.

I yawned and slowly climbed out of bed, before making my way into the bathroom to pee. When I was done, I splashed my face with water and wandered out of the bathroom and bedroom and onto the landing. I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen, before switching on the kettle and searching through the cupboards for the coffee. In my three months away, I'd forgotten where we kept it. Unless Jen moved it, I don't know.

I eventually found the instant stuff, and got out two mugs before spooning the coffee grains into them both. By the time I'd put the coffee back in the cupboard, the kettle had finished boiling so I poured the water into the two mugs. I topped Jen's up with milk and left mine black, before carefully carrying them both upstairs. I set mine down on my table, before quietly making my way round the bed and setting Jen's down on hers. Then I hurriedly ran back downstairs and through the hallway towards the front door, where I had dumped all my stuff the night before. I unzipped one of my bags and searched through it quickly, before pulling out the clear plastic carrier bag. I climbed the stairs again, taking my time this time, and when I reached the bedroom Jen was slowly waking up and rubbing her eyes.

"Morning." I said, smiling at her as I stood next to the bed awkwardly. "I made you coffee."

She looked round and picked up the steaming mug, before smiling at me and taking a sip.

"Thank you."

There was a long, uncomfortable silence, before I cleared my throat nervously.

"I bought you something while I was in London." I said quietly, sitting down on the edge of the bed and placing the carrier bag down between me and Jen. She just looked at it for a split second, before placing her coffee mug back onto her bedside table and giving me a real smile for the first time since I got home.

"Thank you, Tom." She said, reaching forward and pulling the bag towards her. Yeah, she liked me when I was buying her stuff. I watched as she pulled the two tissue-wrapped gifts out and started opening the bigger one first one. She pulled out the pretty necklace I'd bought from that stall in Camden. From that girl in the dress; Annabelle. After looking at it for a few seconds, she gave me a small smile.

"It's nice." She said, before tearing the tissue paper off the matching earrings.

"They're pretty. Thank you."

She placed the earrings and necklace back amongst the tissue paper and turned to pick her mug of coffee back up.
And I finally burst.

"What's the matter with you?!" I half-yelled, standing up off the bed and staring down at Jen. "I haven't seen you for three months, Jen. I'm your husband. I deserve a little bit of attention from you, don't you think?!"

Jen stared at me silently, before replying with, "I could say the same to you."

I laugh in disbelief. "Jen, I phoned you all the time when I was away. I fucking bought you flowers and jewellery for when I got home. What did you do? Nothing. You didn't phone me once, you didn't make ANY effort when I bothered to phone you. I know our marriage is going through a rough patch right now, but you're not doing anything to help us get through it!"

"Maybe because I don't think we can get through it, Tom." Jen yelled back, her eyes brimming with tears. "I don't think there's anything we can do that will save this marriage. And I've just been waiting for you to realise it, Tom. I thought you would have a little sooner."

I stared at her in silent shock for a long time.

"What..what are you saying?" I said in a much quieter voice. Jen sniffed and reached up to wipe away the tears spilling down her cheeks.

"I'm saying...I'm saying... Tom, we need to get a divorce."

I stared in front of me at nothing in particular for a few minutes, paralysed with shock. I never thought this would happen. Ever. I thought this was going to last forever, I thought that Jen was the one.

"Jen, you're..you're giving up on our marriage that easily?" I said in a tiny voice, staring at her with wide, distressed eyes. She covered her face with her hands.

"Tom, I've been trying for so long. I've been trying to make this work. But it's making us both unhappy. It's not working, Tom."

"We can make it work." I said desparately, crawling onto the bed towards her. My eyes started to sting as I grabbed her hand. "Please Jen, don't give up on us. Give me another chance. I promise I'll make this work, I promise we'll go back to how we used to be. Remember when we were trying? Don't you want a baby with me anymore? We could make a baby together, Jen. Fuck, we could make..fucking..hundreds of babies together. I want that with you, Jen. I want us to have a family."

Jen started crying harder and squeezed her eyes shut. "No, Tom. We can't bring an innocent child into this mess. It hasn't worked in so long, what makes you think you can fix it?"

"I just can, I promise. My band is falling apart, Jen, I don't want my marriage to, too. Jen, please. Please.." My voice choked in my throat and I gripped on to Jen's hand tighter. As I blinked, a single tear slipped down my cheek and clung to my chin. "Please don't leave me, Jen."

She sniffed loudly as she wiped her eyes with her trembling hand. Then she gave the tiniest of nods, and my breath caught in my throat.

"So you'll start trying? We'll start trying to make our marriage work again?" I asked desparately, and Jen nodded again.

I exhaled in relief. "Thank you, Jen." I whispered, and she reached forward to cling onto me tightly in a hug. My heart leapt, and I squeezed her back tightly as I buried my nose into her neck and breathed in her smell.

"Thank you." I whispered again.