Hold My Heart

I ran my fingers through Vic's hair as he molded his lips into mine. This was perfect. Everything was perfect right now. I had an amazing boyfriend, whom I had been dating for just over a week, Billie was sober, and although I was still mourning my parents' deaths, I was actually happy. Vic still didn't know about my parents or Billie's drinking, and I intended on keeping it that way for as long as possible. I knew that he deserved to know what was going on in my life, but I could never bring myself to talk about it to anyone. I hadn't cut myself in about two weeks, and I was trying to keep this clean streak going. I always had this fear in the back of my mind that Vic would find everything out and he would leave me, so for now I just had to keep my thoughts to myself and focus on kissing him.

I fell back onto my bed, pulling Vic down with me. Vic bit my bottom lip and I gasped. He took the opportunity to slide his tongue into my mouth. Our tongues fought for a few minutes before he suddenly pulled back and stared at me, both of us trying to catch our breath.

"You wanna go somewhere?" he asked. I frowned.

"Like where?" I asked curiously. He smirked.

"You'll just have to wait and see," he said cheekily before leaning down and pecking me on the lips. I smiled and laughed quietly.

"I don't know. I'm not really supposed to go out this late without telling Billie, and he's already asleep. Plus, you're not even supposed to be here. We're already breaking the rules," I said. Honestly, Billie probably didn't give two fucks where I went. But, although I wanted to go somewhere with Vic, it was 10 PM on a Friday, and there was no doubt in my mind that some of the kids from school would be out walking around town. It's not that I was ashamed of Vic or anything, it's just that I knew he wasn't quite ready to make our relationship public yet, and I didn't want to accidentally run into anyone. And, okay, maybe he wasn't the only one that wasn't quite ready to come out to everyone yet.

"Exactly, we're already breaking one rule, what's a few more going to hurt?" he persuaded. I shrugged and looked down at his chest.

"I don't know," I replied.

"Are you alright? You seem kinda distant," he questioned. I shook my head.

"No, I'm fine," I said looking back up at him. I guess it was sort of true. Yes, I had a lot going on in my head, but I was trying not to let it distract me.

"Come on, just let me take you to this really cool place. There's never anyone there, and it's really romantic and peaceful. It'll help you relax," he said, placing one more sweet kiss on my lips before I agreed.

We snuck downstairs past Billie's bedroom and out the front door. Vic had parked his car down the street so Billie wouldn't see it, so we walked down to it and hopped inside. Vic drove for probably about twenty minutes down old back roads that I had never seen before, and finally we reached the outskirts of the city. There was a wooded area just ahead of us, and we parked the car just outside of that. Vic grabbed two battery-operated lanterns from the backseat and took my hand, leading me into the woods. He stayed silent despite my constant questions as to what we were doing. Finally, after walking for about ten minutes, he stopped.

"We're here," he said with a smile. I looked around at the beautiful scene before me, which was illuminated only by the pale moonlight and a yellowish glow from our lanterns. It was a large oval pond, its deep blue water glistening in the small amount of light. We were surrounded by trees, obviously, since we were in the middle of the woods. Vic tugged on my hand as he sat down, and I did the same. We both set our lanterns down and stared at the pond.

"Isn't it perfect?" he asked.

"Yeah, it is," I replied. The scenery wasn't the only perfect thing here, I thought, but I wouldn't say that out loud. He started absentmindedly rubbing light circles along my hand with his thumb, and I smiled. He suddenly let go of my hand and grabbed my tiny waist, pulling me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my shoulder, and I sighed in content. His warm chest pressed against my back, giving us some warmth in this chilly night. We sat there in silence for several minutes before Vic finally spoke.

"You know, I really like you," he said.

"I really like you too," I replied.

"Really?" he asked. I nodded in response.

"How much?" he asked.

"A lot," I replied with a chuckle. He pulled me back further into his chest until part of me was pressed up against his crotch. I hadn't realized until now how hard he was.

"Do you wanna show me?" he asked in a sultry voice. I started to get nervous. If he was asking for sex, then I didn't know if I was ready for that yet. I turned around and looked into his eyes. They were full of lust. He grabbed my head and pulled it towards him, kissing me hungrily. I kissed back, but I was still nervous. I had never done this before, but it had to happen sometime, right?

Vic fell back onto the grass and I fell on top of him. I kissed him deeply, and he ran his hands up and down my back, sometimes slipping them into my shirt. He grasped my waist and flipped us over so that he was on top, straddling me. He quickly took his shirt off before leaning back down and pressing his bare chest against my clothed one. He kissed me again, and I ran my hands along his sides as he started rubbing his lower half into mine. I moaned against his lips, and he moved down to kiss my neck. I was starting to feel more comfortable with the whole idea of doing this. That is, until Vic moved one of his hands down to toy with my zipper. I suddenly remembered how most of my body was covered in scars from where I had hurt myself before. I immediately started panicking. I couldn't let him find out about that, especially not like this.

"Wait," I said and grabbed his hand. He looked up at me.

"What is it?" he asked. I blushed.

"I don't think I can do this," I replied.

"Oh."

Vic's eyes fell and he sat up. I knew that he was really excited to be doing this, but I just wasn't ready. I mean, we've only been dating for a week and a half! He reached behind him to grab his shirt and put it on. I sat up next to him and took his hand in mine. He wouldn't look up at me, he just stared at our hands. I started worrying that he was going to break up with me. I still desperately wanted to be with him. He was the best thing that happened to me since I moved here, and I hated that I couldn't do this with him just because of what I had done to myself out of my own insecurities.

"I'm sorry, I just haven't done this before. I want to wait a little while," I said quietly. It was true, I did want to wait, but I didn't tell him the entire reason why. He looked up at me and smiled.

"It's okay. I understand. I don't want to pressure you into anything," he replied.

"So you're not mad at me?" I asked. He shook his head.

"No. We can do it when you're ready," he said and leaned in to kiss me. Words could not express how relieved I was at that moment. But in the back of my mind, I knew that he would find out eventually. I just didn't want that to happen anytime soon.