Hold My Heart
Little Brat
TRIGGER WARNING
"Hey," I said, smiling.
"Hey!" Vic exclaimed as I approached his car. He opened the door for me and I hopped inside. He did the same, and soon we were driving away from the school.
"So I know that I said we could hang out right after school, but something came up and now I have to pick up my brother from the hospital," Vic said in an annoyed tone.
"What happened?" I asked worriedly. I had never met his brother but I didn't want anyone close to Vic getting hurt. Vic didn't seem to distressed though.
"He was in a skateboarding accident earlier. He'll be fine, I just have to pick him up. But the hospital is about thirty minutes away, so it might be a while before I get back. It is okay if I drop you off at your house and you come over in an hour?" Vic pleaded. I was disappointed that I couldn't go right then, but later was better than never, so I agreed. Eventually, Vic pulled into my driveway.
"I wish we didn't have to wait for you to come over," he said as I opened the car door.
"Yeah, but you can't neglect your brother," I said jokingly. Vic smiled and leaned towards me, pressing his lips to mine.
"I'll see you later," he said. I blushed as I said goodbye, then walked up to my house. When I entered, I went straight up to my room and set down my backpack. Hmm, what could I do for an hour? I wanted nothing more than to be with Vic at the moment. For the past few weeks, that's all I ever wanted. He just gave me this sense of security that I never got with anyone else. Of course there were still things that I was hiding from him, but he made me forget about all the bad stuff when I was with him. He made me forget about the reason I moved here, the reason that I wouldn't let him see my body, the reason I was depressed. I never wanted him to know what I did to myself.
I quickly walked to the bathroom and crouched down on the floor. I opened the cabinet and reached inside, pulling out the small bag of toiletries that held my painful resort. I slowly unzipped the bag and stared at the blades inside with hatred. I never wanted to use them again. I hated what I did to myself, because I knew that Vic would hate it even more. He might even hate me if he knew. There were seven razor blades in the bag, and I carefully picked them all up. I hated even touching them now. I was about to turn and throw them away when I realized that the trash can wasn't in the same spot as it usually was. I sighed and got up so that I could throw them away downstairs.
I jogged down the stairs, and as soon as I reached the bottom, Billie bolted in through the front door and slammed it shut behind him. He looked extremely pissed. I quickly put the razors in the pocket of my hoodie, as I didn't want Billie to see them.
"Billie? Are you alright?" I asked cautiously. He staggered over to me, and that's when I realized that he was drunk. Really drunk. My heart quickly dropped to my chest. He said that he would stop drinking, but I guess that had proven too difficult. I knew that I had to be careful not to anger him further, because I didn't want him throwing one of his tantrums.
"Be glad that you're not into girls, Kellin, because they're bitches. All girls are bitches. They cause nothing but trouble and heartache, and when they don't get what they want, they explode and twist every word you say, turning everything into a gigantic mess," he slurred angrily. I didn't really know what to say, so I just nodded.
"All I ever did was love her and support her, and what does she do? She makes it look like I'm the biggest jerk in the history of . . . everything! Yeah, I made a few mistakes, but they were fucking mistakes, and then that bitch has to go and cheat on me!" he ranted, getting angrier with every word. I didn't even know that he had a girlfriend, so all of this was a surprise to me. Billie turned around and slapped a vase off of the coffee table, and I flinched as it smashed to pieces on the floor. That's when I started getting really nervous.
"Billie, you need to calm down," I said quietly. He whipped around and glared at me.
"What did you just say to me? Did you just tell me to fucking calm down? Oh, I'm sorry, are my problems not important enough that I can't get upset over them? Do you not care enough to listen? Maybe you should learn to shut your mouth too, because no one want to hear your fucking complaining, you little brat! I know that you don't want to be here, but news flash, no one wants you here either! Now get out of my sight before I do something I'll regret," he seethed. By the end of his angry speech, I was nearly shaking in fright, so of course I obeyed. I ran straight past him and out the front door. I didn't know when he would calm down, and I didn't want to stick around until he did.
I now felt like complete and utter shit. I didn't want to be alive anymore. Billie's harsh words haunted my mind as I wandered towards God-knows-where. No one wants you here either. Was it true? Did no one want me around? I was pretty sure that Vic wanted me, but then again, maybe he just felt bad for me. Billie, I wasn't entirely sure about. When my parents died, he welcomed me with open arms, but maybe all of that was fake. He obviously doesn't want me around anymore. Tears started creeping their way down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away, but more followed. I was just a mistake, a waste, a nothing.
Eventually, I ended up in front of Vic's house. I didn't know why I was here. There were no cars in the driveway, so I didn't think anyone would be home, and at this point I wasn't sure that Vic really wanted to see me. Still, I found myself ringing the doorbell and knocking, but there was no answer. I tried my luck with the door, and found it unlocked. I pushed it open enough to poke my head in.
"Hello?" I called with a shaky voice. There was no reply. I walked into the house and closed the door behind me, hoping that Vic wouldn't mind if I waited inside for him to return. I looked up at the large grandfather clock across the room, and saw that it was only 3:20. Vic probably wouldn't be home for at least thirty minutes. I didn't want to be alone for that long, but I hadn't grabbed my phone when I left the house.
I ran upstairs to his room and laid down on his bed. The crying had slowed down before, but now I was hysterical. I could smell Vic on his sheets, and longed for him to be here, holding me close and calming me down. I started to roll over when I felt something sharp poke into my side. I quickly sat up to find whatever it was, when I realized that it was the razor blades that were still in my pocket. So much for giving them up. Right now I longed for release that only they could bring me.
There was a small bathroom connected to Vic's room, so I quickly walked over to it and locked myself inside. There was no one else home, but I did it out of habit, and also because I didn't want anyone coming home and finding me doing this, especially not Vic. I took the blades out of my pocket and pulled off my jacket and shirt. I picked up one blade and positioned it over my stomach. No one wants to hear your fucking complaining, you little brat. One. No one wants you here. Two. I'm so worthless. Three. Five. Ten. I just kept going until I lost count. I eventually stopped and looked down at myself. I felt gross and worthless, and the worst part was that I knew for a fact that one of the few people that I thought I could rely on thought the same exact thing. Billie hated me, and I didn't know why.
I sighed and stood to look at myself in the mirror. I assessed the damage I had done. It was really bad. I had never done it this much before. Almost my entire lower abdomen was covered in small cuts. I got back down on the floor and searched through his cabinets to find some sort of wash cloth. Once I did, I held it to the most injured parts of my stomach and waited for the bleeding to stop.
I had been sitting on the floor for about twenty minutes when I decided that the wounds had clotted. I put the bloody wash cloth in the trashcan and hid it underneath other trash so Vic wouldn't see it. I slid my shirt and hoodie back on and hid the razors underneath the cabinet. I would retrieve them later before I left. I froze in place as I heard the front door slam shut. I heard two voices talking back and forth below me, and relaxed when I heard that one of them was Vic. I quickly walked out of the bathroom and sat down on his bed as I waited for him to come upstairs. A minute later, Vic rounded the corner into his room and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me.
"Kellin. You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing in here?" he asked. He closed the door behind him and walked over to me. He took both of my hands in his and pressed his body close to mine.
"Yeah, Billie kicked me out for a few hours and I thought I would just wait here. You don't mind, do you?" I replied timidly. I didn't want to let slip the fact that Billie verbally abused me. Vic smiled at me.
"No, I don't mind. You weren't looking through all of my stuff, were you?" he asked playfully, glancing down at my lips. I blushed and shook my head.
"Who, me? Of course not!" I replied with sarcasm. Vic laughed quietly and leaned in to kiss me. I let go of his hands and tangled my fingers in his hair, and he wrapped his arms around my back. After a minute or so, Vic slid his tongue into my mouth and deepened the kiss. Vic turned me around and pushed me onto the bed, and we both crawled back until my head rested on the pillow. I spread my legs apart so Vic could lay in between them. He leaned down and kissed me again with more force than before, but it wasn't really rough. He started moving down my jaw to my neck, where he started kissing and sucking. I suppressed a moan, and he pulled away slightly.
"I'm really glad you came over," Vic said seductively, his lips brushing against my jaw. His voice sent shivers down my spine.
"Me too," I said quietly, although I didn't sound quite as sexy. Vic smirked and moved back up to kiss me. Our tongues moved together and the kiss started to get more heated. Vic started moving his body against mine, causing some much needed friction in the lower area. I didn't hold back my moan this time. Vic sat up quickly and removed his shirt, and when he came back down to me I ran my hands over his toned, tan chest. I hadn't really noticed until now just how muscular he was.
Vic wrapped his arms around me and flipped us over so that I was on top. I grinned at the thought that I was now in control. I sat upright and pulled off my shirt, but before I moved back down, Vic stopped me and stared at my body in horror. I was about to ask what was wrong when I realized what he was looking at.
The cuts.
"Hey," I said, smiling.
"Hey!" Vic exclaimed as I approached his car. He opened the door for me and I hopped inside. He did the same, and soon we were driving away from the school.
"So I know that I said we could hang out right after school, but something came up and now I have to pick up my brother from the hospital," Vic said in an annoyed tone.
"What happened?" I asked worriedly. I had never met his brother but I didn't want anyone close to Vic getting hurt. Vic didn't seem to distressed though.
"He was in a skateboarding accident earlier. He'll be fine, I just have to pick him up. But the hospital is about thirty minutes away, so it might be a while before I get back. It is okay if I drop you off at your house and you come over in an hour?" Vic pleaded. I was disappointed that I couldn't go right then, but later was better than never, so I agreed. Eventually, Vic pulled into my driveway.
"I wish we didn't have to wait for you to come over," he said as I opened the car door.
"Yeah, but you can't neglect your brother," I said jokingly. Vic smiled and leaned towards me, pressing his lips to mine.
"I'll see you later," he said. I blushed as I said goodbye, then walked up to my house. When I entered, I went straight up to my room and set down my backpack. Hmm, what could I do for an hour? I wanted nothing more than to be with Vic at the moment. For the past few weeks, that's all I ever wanted. He just gave me this sense of security that I never got with anyone else. Of course there were still things that I was hiding from him, but he made me forget about all the bad stuff when I was with him. He made me forget about the reason I moved here, the reason that I wouldn't let him see my body, the reason I was depressed. I never wanted him to know what I did to myself.
I quickly walked to the bathroom and crouched down on the floor. I opened the cabinet and reached inside, pulling out the small bag of toiletries that held my painful resort. I slowly unzipped the bag and stared at the blades inside with hatred. I never wanted to use them again. I hated what I did to myself, because I knew that Vic would hate it even more. He might even hate me if he knew. There were seven razor blades in the bag, and I carefully picked them all up. I hated even touching them now. I was about to turn and throw them away when I realized that the trash can wasn't in the same spot as it usually was. I sighed and got up so that I could throw them away downstairs.
I jogged down the stairs, and as soon as I reached the bottom, Billie bolted in through the front door and slammed it shut behind him. He looked extremely pissed. I quickly put the razors in the pocket of my hoodie, as I didn't want Billie to see them.
"Billie? Are you alright?" I asked cautiously. He staggered over to me, and that's when I realized that he was drunk. Really drunk. My heart quickly dropped to my chest. He said that he would stop drinking, but I guess that had proven too difficult. I knew that I had to be careful not to anger him further, because I didn't want him throwing one of his tantrums.
"Be glad that you're not into girls, Kellin, because they're bitches. All girls are bitches. They cause nothing but trouble and heartache, and when they don't get what they want, they explode and twist every word you say, turning everything into a gigantic mess," he slurred angrily. I didn't really know what to say, so I just nodded.
"All I ever did was love her and support her, and what does she do? She makes it look like I'm the biggest jerk in the history of . . . everything! Yeah, I made a few mistakes, but they were fucking mistakes, and then that bitch has to go and cheat on me!" he ranted, getting angrier with every word. I didn't even know that he had a girlfriend, so all of this was a surprise to me. Billie turned around and slapped a vase off of the coffee table, and I flinched as it smashed to pieces on the floor. That's when I started getting really nervous.
"Billie, you need to calm down," I said quietly. He whipped around and glared at me.
"What did you just say to me? Did you just tell me to fucking calm down? Oh, I'm sorry, are my problems not important enough that I can't get upset over them? Do you not care enough to listen? Maybe you should learn to shut your mouth too, because no one want to hear your fucking complaining, you little brat! I know that you don't want to be here, but news flash, no one wants you here either! Now get out of my sight before I do something I'll regret," he seethed. By the end of his angry speech, I was nearly shaking in fright, so of course I obeyed. I ran straight past him and out the front door. I didn't know when he would calm down, and I didn't want to stick around until he did.
I now felt like complete and utter shit. I didn't want to be alive anymore. Billie's harsh words haunted my mind as I wandered towards God-knows-where. No one wants you here either. Was it true? Did no one want me around? I was pretty sure that Vic wanted me, but then again, maybe he just felt bad for me. Billie, I wasn't entirely sure about. When my parents died, he welcomed me with open arms, but maybe all of that was fake. He obviously doesn't want me around anymore. Tears started creeping their way down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away, but more followed. I was just a mistake, a waste, a nothing.
Eventually, I ended up in front of Vic's house. I didn't know why I was here. There were no cars in the driveway, so I didn't think anyone would be home, and at this point I wasn't sure that Vic really wanted to see me. Still, I found myself ringing the doorbell and knocking, but there was no answer. I tried my luck with the door, and found it unlocked. I pushed it open enough to poke my head in.
"Hello?" I called with a shaky voice. There was no reply. I walked into the house and closed the door behind me, hoping that Vic wouldn't mind if I waited inside for him to return. I looked up at the large grandfather clock across the room, and saw that it was only 3:20. Vic probably wouldn't be home for at least thirty minutes. I didn't want to be alone for that long, but I hadn't grabbed my phone when I left the house.
I ran upstairs to his room and laid down on his bed. The crying had slowed down before, but now I was hysterical. I could smell Vic on his sheets, and longed for him to be here, holding me close and calming me down. I started to roll over when I felt something sharp poke into my side. I quickly sat up to find whatever it was, when I realized that it was the razor blades that were still in my pocket. So much for giving them up. Right now I longed for release that only they could bring me.
There was a small bathroom connected to Vic's room, so I quickly walked over to it and locked myself inside. There was no one else home, but I did it out of habit, and also because I didn't want anyone coming home and finding me doing this, especially not Vic. I took the blades out of my pocket and pulled off my jacket and shirt. I picked up one blade and positioned it over my stomach. No one wants to hear your fucking complaining, you little brat. One. No one wants you here. Two. I'm so worthless. Three. Five. Ten. I just kept going until I lost count. I eventually stopped and looked down at myself. I felt gross and worthless, and the worst part was that I knew for a fact that one of the few people that I thought I could rely on thought the same exact thing. Billie hated me, and I didn't know why.
I sighed and stood to look at myself in the mirror. I assessed the damage I had done. It was really bad. I had never done it this much before. Almost my entire lower abdomen was covered in small cuts. I got back down on the floor and searched through his cabinets to find some sort of wash cloth. Once I did, I held it to the most injured parts of my stomach and waited for the bleeding to stop.
I had been sitting on the floor for about twenty minutes when I decided that the wounds had clotted. I put the bloody wash cloth in the trashcan and hid it underneath other trash so Vic wouldn't see it. I slid my shirt and hoodie back on and hid the razors underneath the cabinet. I would retrieve them later before I left. I froze in place as I heard the front door slam shut. I heard two voices talking back and forth below me, and relaxed when I heard that one of them was Vic. I quickly walked out of the bathroom and sat down on his bed as I waited for him to come upstairs. A minute later, Vic rounded the corner into his room and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me.
"Kellin. You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing in here?" he asked. He closed the door behind him and walked over to me. He took both of my hands in his and pressed his body close to mine.
"Yeah, Billie kicked me out for a few hours and I thought I would just wait here. You don't mind, do you?" I replied timidly. I didn't want to let slip the fact that Billie verbally abused me. Vic smiled at me.
"No, I don't mind. You weren't looking through all of my stuff, were you?" he asked playfully, glancing down at my lips. I blushed and shook my head.
"Who, me? Of course not!" I replied with sarcasm. Vic laughed quietly and leaned in to kiss me. I let go of his hands and tangled my fingers in his hair, and he wrapped his arms around my back. After a minute or so, Vic slid his tongue into my mouth and deepened the kiss. Vic turned me around and pushed me onto the bed, and we both crawled back until my head rested on the pillow. I spread my legs apart so Vic could lay in between them. He leaned down and kissed me again with more force than before, but it wasn't really rough. He started moving down my jaw to my neck, where he started kissing and sucking. I suppressed a moan, and he pulled away slightly.
"I'm really glad you came over," Vic said seductively, his lips brushing against my jaw. His voice sent shivers down my spine.
"Me too," I said quietly, although I didn't sound quite as sexy. Vic smirked and moved back up to kiss me. Our tongues moved together and the kiss started to get more heated. Vic started moving his body against mine, causing some much needed friction in the lower area. I didn't hold back my moan this time. Vic sat up quickly and removed his shirt, and when he came back down to me I ran my hands over his toned, tan chest. I hadn't really noticed until now just how muscular he was.
Vic wrapped his arms around me and flipped us over so that I was on top. I grinned at the thought that I was now in control. I sat upright and pulled off my shirt, but before I moved back down, Vic stopped me and stared at my body in horror. I was about to ask what was wrong when I realized what he was looking at.
The cuts.