Awaiting Redemption

"High King Peter blamed me for the failure of the siege, though I suppose I am mainly to blame. Susan tried to defend me. Right after, I did something I'm not proud of. She gave me this look that made me feel so... cold. I felt like I had not only disappointed myself, but her as well."

"Miraz's army was approaching and Peter's job was to buy time for Susan and Lucy to find Aslan. It was my job to saddle up a horse for the Queens of Old. I picked out Desiree. She doesn't fail me. I gave her my best horse."

Caspian smiled at the memory and continued on with his story. "I wished her Good Luck and she still seemed kind of mad at me so I tried to return to her the Horn. She told me to keep it, cause I might've needed to call her again."

At this, I smirked. Nice line, Susan. I mean... really?

"Though it didn't feel right leaving the ladies to go alone so I geared up and headed after them. Good thing, too. Susan had fended off four or five, and one of them had her on the floor pinned up against a log. She was so defenseless and then I jump in and-"

"AW! So you were her knight in shining armor?" I smiled, my eyes still closed and my head still resting in Caspian's lap.

"If you mean I saved her life, yes. I mocked her about her saying she didn't need the horn and I gave her a ride back to Aslan's How. Lucy was on her own from there. I didn't mind though, Susan's embrace from behind was enough to take my mind off of worrying about Lucy's well-being."

"And then when we got to the How, Susan gave Peter a hug because she was scared to lose him to Miraz, even though Peter told her to go to her battle station. She's got an amazing heart-"

"As does Peter."

"Peter, who refused a hug from his sister?"

"Peter, who was avoiding more pain than what had already been dealt. Peter, who is afraid of losing those close to him and who has already lost enough. Peter, who wanted to get the duel over with so he could make sure his family remained safe."

There followed a silence filled with guilt and regret.

"You can continue, you know," I said, not really caring if I had offended the King.

"Well, Peter won the duel but refused to take Miraz's life, but a red arrow was seen in his back so the Telmarines called treachery and began the battle anyway. A little while in, their catapults took out the archery balcony and Susan was dangling off the side, with nothing to hold onto but Trumpkin."

I chuckled, "I bet you wanted to be the one she was holding on to."

Although I couldn't see his face, I can tell you with almost 100% certainty that he was smiling when he responded, "More than anything."

"She fell safely and joined us minutes later on the battlefield. The Telmarin army was closing in fast but we fought hard and lost many soldiers."

"Susan is a beast with her bow and arrow," I remarked, "The way she uses it as a block."

"She is very graceful on the battle field," Caspian agreed, "She's graceful in everything she does. Like Lucy, as we've learned. Forever later, Aslan awoke the tree spirits and they helped us in battle greatly. The day flew by like a blur and before you knew it, it was the day they left. The day you arrived."

My eyes opened.

"In the early morning, when everyone had gathered in the courtyard, I roamed the castle looking for the Kings and Queens of Old. Edmund and Lucy had been gathered up but I still had to find Peter and Susan. When I do come upon them, they were walking through a hallway with Aslan. Their faces were so sullen that I thought I should leave them be for a while, but Aslan sighted me."

"When I turned back around to face them, I knew something was wrong. Susan had tears in her eyes and even Peter's defenses were falling. When Peter volunteered to leave this world through the portal Aslan had opened for the Telmarine people, he offered me his sword. I told him I would look after it until he returned."

"Then Susan said, 'I'm afraid that's just it. We're not coming back.' My heart stopped beating and she looked away from me after she said it. Edmund and Lucy are allowed to return at their right time but Aslan said that Susan and Peter have learned what they can from this world and must move on to their own."

"While Peter, Lucy, and Edmund said their goodbyes to Trumpkin, Trufflehunter, and others, Susan stayed by my side," Caspian began to wrap up, his voice speeding up as the story became more difficult to tell. "She told me she was glad she came back, I told her I wished we had more time together. She smiled and told me it never would have worked anyway."

I sat up and leaned back against the fountain, "Why is that?"

He chuckled, "She said, 'I am 1300 years older than you.'"

"It hurt, because I didn't want to let her go. But as she began to turn away, I guess she felt the same way. She turned around and came back just to give me a kiss," he smiled at the thought. "And a hug that seemed short but was actually long. Peter smiled at Susan when she broke off to go re-join them, so I suspect he knew about us before that. And then they left. I won't forget them."

We sat in silence for a long while. He was recovering from reliving his past and I was processing all of the information I had just been dealt.

Then, Caspian spoke up. "You're lucky, you know."

"Why is that?"

"You didn't have to watch Peter walk out of your life forever. At least when you left him 1300 years ago, there was a sliver of hope you'd see him again."

"But now I know there is no hope. Because the day I came back is the day he left for good."

Again, we sat in silence for a little while. Then, the church bells rang 11 times in the distance.

In my head, I thought Wow, it took you two hours to sum up three flirtatious moments and a single kiss?
Out loud, I said, "So it was a short and sweet relationship that never got to fully blossom?"

Caspian nodded.

"And Peter's never coming back to Narnia," I spoke, my voice lower than usual, my way of trying to even out the disappointment that was probably evident anyway.

Caspian looked over at me as a tear fell out of the corner of my eye. He shook his head. I took in a shaky breath and nodded, blinking more tears away.

"You can tell me about you and High King Peter tomorrow if you'd like, it's getting late," Caspian suggested, picking up the empty platter from the floor. I stood up and did something I never thought I would do. I gave Caspian a hug.

And I didn't do it because I needed it for myself. I didn't do it because tonight he had to relive the moment of watching Susan walk out of his life. I did it because we had a moment of solidarity. A moment in which both of our histories contained a single truth: that quite possibly, the love of our lives may never be seen by either of us again. And as Caspian hugged back as if he were afraid to let go, the plate felt to the floor with a loud, resounding clang.