It's a Start

Craig had started searching for somewhere else to live since he told me about it only two days ago. Two days ago. I couldn’t even plan what I was going to wear in two days. I know that he wanted to give me space and possibly start out fresh, but it hurt so much to see him like this. He was sad all the time, even when I would make a small joke. This sucked so much.

I’d been job searching too, finding out that I quit working at a daycare center only a few weeks before my accident and I still had to finish online college. There was a lot to handle with traumatic amnesia. Luckily, people from the online college helped me out a lot and I’ve been doing great so far. Good thing I was still smart.

Only a few days of being back home and I was fine. Craig and I talked regularly about things going on like we were friends, but I could still see a part of him inside that longed for his Andrea. I wish she would come back too, just for him, but she wasn’t coming. We had our meals together every day and sometimes we would joke and fool around as friends, but that was it. He slept in the guest room while I had the master all to myself. It got a little lonely, but I was okay.

I hated going out in public with Craig. We’d see his friends and they would all look at me, seeing that I wasn’t wearing the ring anymore, but they knew what happened. I could tell by the looks on their faces. They mourned for Craig and the old Andrea. I did not like the looks on their faces.

Dr. Carr checked in about once and now I could officially drive again. I loved having that freedom (again). The first place I drove to was the grocery store because Craig was busy at home and I made a list of what to get. I was finally getting on track.

I didn’t catch Craig drinking again after that first night of being back. He didn’t ask about where the bottle was, which was in the fridge, just hidden, and he only drank water or something nonalcoholic whenever we ate. He’d been out a lot this past week, doing who-knows-what and to be honest it sucked being home alone. I had nothing to do but things for school and job searching. I was leaning toward bartending– seeing that I could make money at a popular venue.

The sound of the front door closing caused me to jump up from the couch and set down the computer. Craig walked in from the foyer with his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt, “Hi.”

“Hey.” I watched him look down and then over at the kitchen where I left a plate of food with tinfoil to keep the steak warm. “I made you a plate.” I walked and stood beside him at the counter, watching him as he picked up the plate and grabbed a fork. He sat on the barstool and I walked unsteadily to the sink, tapping my fingers. “Can I ask you something?” Craig looked up and set his fork down. With all his attention on me, I grew nervous for what I was about to ask. “Did you ever cheat on And– me?”

“No. I only had eyes for you.”

I nodded, glancing at my feet for a moment and looking back up at him with creased eyebrows. “Then what did you mean when you said that I should’ve stayed home instead of running off? What happened that night, Craig?”

He sighed, pushing his plate away. I took it and threw away the rest of the food, then turned the sink on to wash it while he explained. “We didn’t really talk about it much then, but I came home from work that day and you were standing where you are now. You didn’t look at me or say anything and I automatically knew something was up. Like I said, we didn’t talk about it, but we both knew that we’d be excited if it happened. You were upset because you took a pregnancy test and it came out negative and we fought about it and I said some things that I didn’t mean and you left.”

My new life just keeps getting sadder and sadder by the moment.

Craig stared at me while I comprehended what he told me. I tried to imagine it in my head, me slamming the door shut, getting in the car, and driving for however long I did until the collision happened. I sat back down on the couch and pulled the computer to my lap. I’d been watching a lot of Law & Order lately since it was on almost all the time. The pool looked inviting, but I hadn’t gone in yet.

A few more days went by with Craig and I talking still and I tried to question him up until the point where I was about to hit a sensitive spot inside him. I gained a lot of knowledge about my old life, about Craig and I together, and about how I was a social butterfly. I had lots of friends and some of them even texted me and called, introducing themselves and telling me things like how we were best friends in high school or they knew me since our parents used to be friends before they moved away.

I’d learned a lot of things about them too. They didn’t have very good jobs while I was growing up and Craig made it seem like they were druggies. I wish I knew more about them though, especially their faces, but Craig said I burned everything I had of them.

I was currently standing in front of my closet on Saturday night. Craig wanted to take me out to meet just a few people that I knew back then and I was nervous as hell. Over the rest of the week, I went out and explored more of the town and I even went to a job interview at the venue where I wanted to bartend. Hopefully they would be getting back to me sooner rather than later. Craig didn’t have much luck in finding an apartment and I don’t mean to sound selfish when I say this, but I don’t want him to leave me here by myself. I’d rather have him stay than panic.

We were leaving in about twenty minutes and my hair was still damp after I was dressed in a black short-sleeve shirt and a pair of maroon jeans. I tried a little makeup and left it at a decent amount of mascara. Craig was probably ready, so I hurried up and shoved my phone into my bag, struggling to pull on my boots and turn the light off at the same time.

Craig was laughing at me as he stood in front of the door and I straightened up with an innocent face. “What?”

“Nothing,” he shook his head. “Just been a while since we went out with friends.”

I nodded and he opened the door for me. We took his car and when he started driving down the street, I took in his appearance. He was wearing dark jeans, a nice shirt, and he also wore a wristwatch, shiny, silver and new. He dressed pretty well. His hair was a little gelled up and it made me want to touch it and see if it actually was gel.

During the car ride, it felt like something was missing, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. Maybe I was supposed to say something or maybe he was. Either way it was too late because he was now getting out of the parked car. I followed, strapping my bag on my shoulder and crossing my arms as I walked beside him to the front of the building. We showed our IDs and Craig’s hand touched my lower back as he led me through the people occupying the space.

“What if they don’t like me?” I panicked, turning toward him and coming to a stop.

“They will,” he reassured, “They already do. Just be yourself, Andrea.” I breathed and nodded.

There weren’t even that many people sat at the table he brought me too. I put on a soft smile and waved to the two boys and one girl. Craig pulled the chair out for me to sit in and he sat beside me. They introduced themselves, but I could see in their smiles that they were also apart of the growing group that wanted the old Andrea. Connor, Leah, and Brian were their names. Connor was a blonde and blue-eyed boy. I envied the color of his eyes. Leah had blonde hair too, long mermaid waves covering her left shoulder. She was beautiful. Brian had brown hair, like Craig, and they looked similar. Then I realized that Brian was Craig’s older brother. They just about had the same amount of freckles on their cheekbones and they were both fairly lean with muscles. I felt like they could crush me without a second thought.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Craig stood and I looked up at him. After a second, I nodded and said whatever he got was fine. This would be the first time I’d see him drinking and I was hoping it would be like the last.

Three pairs of eyes were glued to me after he left us and I shifted in my seat. Connor and Leah looked away, starting a conversation with each other, since they probably guessed I was uncomfortable. Brian; however, took a leap of faith. “How are you, Andrea?”

I looked across the table at him and smiled a little. “Good. A little bored at the house by myself most days, but I might be getting a job soon.”

“Oh, really? Where?” He seemed intrigued, leaning forward against the table as I told him all about it.

Craig sat back down while I talked with Brian, setting a bottle of beer in front of me and holding a glass in his hand. He sipped it slowly the entire time, getting up about twice to refill it. I watched him cautiously out of the corner of my eye and so did Brian. Connor and Leah either talked to Craig, me or went to dance. A few hours later, they headed home. Leah even hugged me as a nice gesture and Connor gave me a small kiss to the cheek.

Brian stuck around, but I was starting to think that he only did because of Craig. He was pushing it with the whiskey and I didn’t want him going over the edge either. Brian even tried to stop him from getting up to get another round for himself. “Bro, stop. I think that’s enough for one night.”

“Shut up, Brian.” Craig’s tipsy mouth spit before he walked off toward the bar.

I watched him, talking to Brian at the same time. “I’m afraid of him living alone.”

“He’s not going to live alone, Andrea. I’m not going to let him.”

My eyes stayed on his back while Craig pounded his fist against the counter, demanding another drink. “He’s destroying himself, Brian. And it’s because of me,” I looked over at him with teary eyes. “The first night I was back at the house, I found him drinking in the middle of the night. He was way beyond drunk too and he threw a glass at the back door.”

“Did he hurt you?” was his only question. I shook my head and wiped my cheeks fast before Craig could sit back down.

Before he got halfway through his drink, I stood up and pushed my chair in. “Craig, I want to go home.” I didn’t want to be here with him drinking his sorrows away– especially because the source of it all was right next to him. He stared up at me with soft eyes and nodded. I gave Brian a smile and wrapped my arm around Craig’s to take him with me outside. It was chilly when the air met our skin. I grabbed his hand when he started going toward the driver’s side. “There is no way you’re driving.”

Silence took up the car ride and made it go by quick even though we approached many red lights. I managed to get him to change into his pajamas and into the bed he’s been calling his own. I dropped my bag in my room and went back into his, pushing my hair behind my ears and bending by the bed. His glassy eyes were now sleepy ones and the light from the lamp beside us made his skin darker.

My chin was against the mattress while my fingers brushed his hair softly. His arms were tucked into his chest and he stuck his finger out, stroking my cheek. “I’m never going to forget you, Andrea Blake.”