Love is a Dangerous Thing

"Alright, I'm getting in bed with you."

Zack stared up at the ceiling and pretended not to notice the bed dip or the arm that wrapped around him or the head on his chest that was home to the two eyes staring at him. It had been two days since the picture incident and he hadn't moved except to use the bathroom. He also hadn't ate anything which is what Alex had been trying to get him to do before he got in bed with him.

"You gotta tell me what's up, buddy, I'm not leaving until you do."

He was almost 100% positive he could handle that and if it kept Alex close to him he was fine with it. That's the kind of friendship he wanted, he decided, one where Alex laid in bed with him all day but Zack still never had to talk or make progress or whatever else it was Alex wanted him to do. He knew that wasn't fair but it was still what he wanted.

Anything else would risk too much and he didn't want to be disappointed or be a disappointment himself. Alex deserved a good friend that wouldn't abandon him completely for five years while he had some sort of breakdown. He deserved someone that wasn't Zack

"I know you're not being nice in there." Alex tapped his forehead and he pretended not to notice that too. "You're too hard on yourself Zack. You should be proud of yourself, I'm proud of you. You're out of the hospital, buddy, that's pretty amazing. You went to the mall, you talked to me, you even smiled, those are all really big things." He felt Alex sigh against his chest when he didn't reply. "I wish you'd talk to me again, I liked that. Please talk to me Zack."

Zack thought about what his doctor had said about how he chose when he wanted to respond physically or verbally and wondered if that was true. He wondered if he still had the ability to speak in full sentences because there were a couple he wanted to say like, "I should have been a better friend," or "I wish I could trust you but I'm really scared." He didn't say either of those things though, he said, "I'm sorry." And Alex smiled way too wide but he pretended not to notice that.

"For what? I've never been mad at you."

"For leaving."

He felt the arm around him tighten just the slightest and then brown eyes were staring into his. "You don't ever need to apologize for what happened Zack, it wasn't your fault and I'd be a terrible friend if I held that against you."

It felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders as soon as Alex said that and he was more than happy to be free of the guilt that had been crushing him. He knew Alex had every right to be angry with him but for some reason he wasn't and that made Zack feel like a decent person for the first time in a long time, like maybe there was a fraction of a chance that his past didn't have to determine his future and maybe he could change.

"The guy you see in those pictures is still the guy I see every time I look at you. I know you don't believe it but you're still perfect and I'm so sorry that asshole ever made you think that wasn't true."

Tears rolled down his face but for the first time in five years years Zack smiled properly. The After stage of his life had been a long, long time but he decided now was as good a time as any to end it. With a small smile he decided this part of his life would be called Trying.

"I won't leave again."

"Good, I don't like missing you." Alex smiled up at him like he'd won the lottery and Zack was still scared but he could try. For Alex he could try.