A New Dawn

One night I dreamed of fish. At first I was swimming in the ocean and all of these beautiful, colorful fish were swimming around me, and it was peaceful, and quiet. I was swimming around in this blue water and everything was so clear, not just the water but my mind, my heart; I knew exactly what I wanted it was like this incredible moment of clarity. But then suddenly the fish had teeth, scary red beady eyes and they began to gnaw and attack me and my screams were so loud. Sam was there but he couldn’t save me. He just sat there staring at me, helpless…
The next few weeks were busy; I was in and out of the house, out and about around town. Sam had my security doubled; he claimed it was because of all the running around I was doing but I feared it was something bigger. Him and Ezra were always having secret conversations in his office, discussing things he clearly didn’t want me to know about. That would all change after the wedding; Sam would always say after the wedding I would hold more responsibility, but for now I was too busy planning the wedding of the century to even worry about what he was keeping from me. I kept awaking in the middle of the night in cold sweats, breathing heavy, same fish dream, Sam wasn’t there. This was becoming to routine; Sam not being there during the night. I’d walk downstairs to find him and he would be sitting at the piano, or sitting outside on the patio. I never approached him; I just sat back and watched as he’d stare off into space, then after a while I would go and fall asleep on the couch and wait for him. Even if he didn’t know I was there I felt safer being near him. He would finish, find me on the couch, and carry me back to bed.
I awoke in the morning to an empty bed. Jean entered without knocking, with bags of personal items I had asked her to get for me.
“Ok ma’am, I have everything you asked for from the store; deodorant, perfume, hair spray, tampons, nail polish remover, face wash, toothbrushes, body wash…” Jean continued to name off the things that she had gotten for me, but I was stuck. I was stuck counting days and counting weeks. ‘August, September, October, August, September, October, August, September, October, August, September, October’ I continued to repeat in my head.
“Jean…” I said very weakly, swaying slowly, as the world around me seemed to shake and stir, and then suddenly I felt the ground come from underneath me,
I awoke in my bed with Dr. Newman, our trusted physician, and Sam staring at me. Sam looked like a wreck, his face was red, and his eyes were wet.
“How are you feeling Rose?” Dr. Newman said shining a light in to my eyes and checking my pulse.
“Better.” Clearing my throat and sitting upright in the bed.
“So uh… what’s the story doc?” Sam said in a low hushed voice obviously eager to hear the reasoning for my fainting.
“Well it looks like just a simple case of dehydration but especially due to you being—“
“Sam,” I said quickly interrupting, “I could use a glass of water.”
“Uh, sure, yea I’ll get Myra to get it—“ Sam said confused as to why I asked him instead of Myra who I’m sure was standing nearby.
“No,” I interrupted again “I don’t trust anyone right now…” I said forcing a couple of tears out, “please can you just do it.” And I swear I could’ve won an award for the performance.
“Of course baby,” Sam said standing and kissing me on the cheek “Whatever you want, I’ll be right back.” And I watched Sam leave the room and listened to him walk down the stairs.
“I take it you know what I’m going to say…” Dr. Newman said.
“I didn’t even realize it till today. There was so much going on I just. I thought it was stress.” I said shaking my head from side to site.
“Well I’m going to need you to come in for an appointment; we can find a way to keep it from your husband for now.”
“I’m going to tell my husband, I just, it’s a whole different conversation you know?” I said not scared of Sam’s reaction but scared of what this all meant.
“Well, for now you have to start eating better, you have to keep your body nourished, and hydrated if you want to make it to the end of this pregnancy.” That was the first time anyone had said it aloud.
“Pregnant…” I said, tears coming from my eyes. “I’m going to be a mom.” I said smiling after and Dr. Newman smiled with me.
“You’re going to be a mom.” Dr. Newman said placing his hand on mine and we laughed together. I quickly went silent when I heard Sam coming back and we both moved our hands. Sam handed me the water only looking a little better than he did a few minutes ago. He grabbed my hand and looked to Dr. Newman for the explanation. “Right, so like I said I’ll have to do more test but it looks like it’s just a simple case of dehydration and malnutrition. She just has to watch everything and she should be fine.” Dr. Newman gave a nice reassuring smile after.
“Great” I could see a big weight lift off of Sam’s shoulder… he had no idea. Dr. Newman reminded me yet again to call his office and set up an appointment and then he left. Sam placed the water on the night stand next to the bed, then planted a soft kiss on my forehead. He sat down next to me again and grasped my hand tight, placing his forehead against me. I wanted to tell him then, just blurt it out, but something inside of me told me not to. I knew he had been stressed for the past few days and I couldn’t handle disappointment; I wouldn’t be able to handle him not being the supportive, and loving Sam I had always knew him to be, but the distant and cold Sam that he had grown into. Not to mention what a child really meant. The royal heir, born in to what? Did I really want this for my child?
“Malnourished?” He said looking up at me.
“I barely have time to think much less eat.” I said keeping my head down, ashamed.
“Not ok, Rose.” He said with a scolding look. “I will make sure Myra and Jean know to take breaks throughout the day to assure you are eating, there will be no excuse.”
“I’m not one of your servants Sam, you can’t just give me orders.” I said throwing the cover off of me and shifting my legs to get off the bed, but Sam stopped this action immediately by grasping my ankles and pushing them down on the bed.
“I’m not angry…” Lie. “I just want to take a bath, Can I do that master or do I need one of the guards to come and watch me?” I said with the intention of hurting him. He slightly released my ankles and swung off the bed and stormed off into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. He did not follow. My whole life was changing before me and I didn’t want the King, the leader, the ruler Sam. I needed my husband, my lover, my protector Sam. I pondered if those people could ever be the same. Maybe those fish were piranha's after all.