Oh, Calamity

There’s only two days left until we go on tour, and I’ve finally got my life back on track. After nights spent crying in the dark and panic attacks that I endured with my mum holding my hand and telling me to take deep breaths, I’m taking care of myself properly again, I’ve moved back into my own apartment and I actually feel okay.
I’ve also realised that I completely misinterpreted my emotions, and I have been doing so for the past few weeks. I’ve realised that I was never really in love with Jack, and it was just a bit of a passing thing that I blew completely out of proportion.
I know my mum’s still worried about me, though. After I told my parents about my change in feelings I overheard her talking to my dad about how I seem overly happy and how it worries her. She even suspects that I’ve taken drugs, which I most certainly haven’t. I don’t agree without that sort of thing, no matter the jokes I tend to make about it.
I told Rian and Zack about my realisation too and they also seemed a bit wary about it. Why can’t anyone believe I’m fucking okay now? It’s not like one bout of depression means I’m going to be depressed forever.
My main issue, however, is that I still don’t have to courage to try and contact Jack. I haven’t seen or heard from him since he walked out on me and his mum never called me back to say that he was home. He hasn’t tried to cancel tour though, so I just keep telling myself that I’ll see him in a couple of days when we start travelling and then I’ll explain how it was all a misunderstanding and huge mistake on my part. If he’s really my best friend then he’ll understand and forgive me, and things will go back to normal. This thought is even getting me a little excited for the tour. I normally really look forward to tours, especially ones with bands that we’re so close with like we are with Pierce the Veil, so I’m glad I’m finally feeling it for this one.
The only thing left that’s bothering me is that I’ve got one more therapy session left before we leave. My mum brought me in for an emergency one a few days ago when I was at my lowest, which did help a bit. I do really like Dr Way, I’m just a bit concerned about this session because I’m pretty sure he’s going to be worried about me just like everyone else. I know most people don’t get depressed over a passing phase and then are completely fine by next week like nothing happened, but I’m pretty sure it was just one of those weird things that don’t matter. I’m so sure of my feelings now, and I feel ridiculous for how I’ve acted this past week and what I said to Jack. I was never in love with him; I’m sure of it.

I drive myself to Dr Way’s office for the first time; Jack drove me to the first session and last time it was my mum. I don’t have to wait long before Dr Way invites me into his dark, gothic-looking office with I smile.
“So, Alex,” he says as we sit down. “You’re looking much better. How’ve you been?”
“I’ve been great, actually. I think I’m over Jack, so that’s been good.”
“Really?” he says, looking surprised. “Do crushes this strong normally pass this quickly for you?”
“Well, no. I don’t think I ever really liked him in that way, though, so that’s why it didn’t take long to move on.” He looks very concerned, just like I thought he would. I supress a sigh.
“Have you ever gotten this upset over a crush before?”
“No, but I’ve never had a crush on my best friend that’s ruined our relationship.”
“Have you spoken to Jack yet?”
“Well… no. But I’m going to patch things up when I see him on Wednesday, and I’m pretty sure he’ll forgive me. We’re best friends.”
“And how does the thought of seeing him again and talking to him about this make you feel?”
“Um, fine. A little excited.” To tell the truth I was also pretty nervous, and I was worried that things wouldn’t go as smoothly as I’m hoping for. But I just have to keep telling myself they will and things will be fine. Dr Way spent a minute writing on his clipboard before speaking again.
“Alex… are you sure you’re completely over him? You showed every sign of being in love with him just a few days ago.”
“Yes, I’m sure,” I snapped. “God, why does everyone fucking think there’s something wrong with me!?” I don’t know why I’m so angry, but I am.
“Calm down, Alex. Sit back in your seat.” I sigh and obey him. He scribbles another note on his clipboard.
“So if you’re completely positive that you’re over him, are you sure that you’re feeling okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” I say haughtily. I still don’t know why I’m so fucking pissed off, but I guess I’m just frustrated that no one can see how normal I’m feeling. Dr Way doesn’t look like he believes me one bit when I tell him I’m fine.
“Do you like these sessions?” he asks unexpectedly.
“Uh, yeah,” I say honestly, taken off guard. “Why do you ask?” He doesn’t reply, just spends another minute writing.
“I want you to keep coming to regular sessions when you come home from tour, and I also want you to call me once a week so we can have over-the-phone sessions,” he says.
“You still think something’s wrong, don’t you?” He doesn’t respond. “Tell me. I’m a grown man, and I have a right to know.”
“Fine. You say that you feel fine, but your behaviour is not normal. You seem a little too fine, and that burst of anger you had just now was very sudden and uncharacteristic of you, especially if you say you like these sessions, which I believe you do. It’s also very strange for someone to be so extremely in love with someone one week and fine the next. It’s like there are two different people living inside of you, with different emotions. I’m concerned that, along with severe anxiety, you may have bipolar disorder. It’s fairly serious and I have some medication here that I would like you to-”
“I don’t need any fucking medication!” I yelled. “You’re lying. I don’t believe you. I’m fine, okay? I’m fucking fine!” With that I got up and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind me. I don’t want to admit it but I know his theory makes sense. I also don’t want to admit to the hint of feelings for Jack that are still lingering.