The Mixtape of Hatred

On Friday, Alex got his first flashback – prom night.

On Saturday, Alex got his second flashback – when he ended things for good with Jack.

On Sunday, Alex waited.

It was inevitable. The flashbacks would come, whether he wanted to remember or not. Besides, despite how much he dreaded the flashbacks, he understood. He had managed to shove his old memories away so hard that he had forgotten how much damage he’d done. He’d realized that the situation is as much his fault as it is Jack’s, as opposed to what he’d originally believed.

He was lying on his bed now. He’d learned his lesson last time, where he’d been kneeling, and ended up falling forward and smashing his head onto the floor. At least it was cushioned by a carpet, but still, he swore that he would get a bruised forehead.

“Come on, come on.” He mumbled. Hopefully his prediction was correct, and that he’d get a flashback everyday. God, he’d been lying here all day waiting, and he’d throw a fit if it wasn’t going to show itself to him. Besides, Tanner would be back in a couple of hours, and he didn’t want to have to explain why he was lying on his bed with a silent mixtape playing.

He closed his eyes.

And he waited

And waited

And –

“Alex? Open your goddamn eyes.”

He did. Rian stood there with a raised eyebrow.

“You looked like an idiot.” Rian informed him.

Alex rolled his eyes.

“In fact, you always do.” Rian added.

Alex raised an eyebrow.

“You know what? Maybe you’re just an idiot.” Rian finished.

Alex couldn’t help but grin. His best friend sucked.

“You’re acting surprisingly cheery for someone who’s about to witness one of his most regretful moments of his life.” Rian frowned.

Alex’s smile vanished as he gave a solemn nod. “I figured facing this could actually be a good thing. Remembering things might help me figure some things out.” I admitted.

Rian didn’t look convinced that I’d be able to ‘figure anything out’, but he nodded along as the scene around them began to morph into Alex’s childhood bedroom.

The room was half-empty. Alex looked around in search of his younger self, knowing that he had to be somewhere in the room. He saw his younger self, sitting in his favorite corner of the room and clutching a piece of paper in his hands.

Alex eyed the piece of paper, and began tiptoing towards his younger self before realizing that: a) He was basically invisible, and b) He was in the middle of the room with a potato head who just sneezed. Realizing this, Alex boldly strided towards young Alex and sat next to him, looking at the paper.

He didn’t recognize it, and so he began to read.

Hey Alex,

First of all, congratulations on graduating high school. It’s been a hell of a rollercoaster.

Sorry. I’m really really sorry if you don’t want to hear from me, but I can’t rest until knowing that you know how I feel. I don’t have an excuse for all the shit that I’ve done. I’m just a stupid hormone-powered teenage boy who can’t seem see perfection when it’s right in front of his goddamn face. You’ve always been here for me, and I wasn’t, so I understand that you never want to see me again, but just know that I regret it. If I could, I’d turn the clocks anti-clockwise and cherish every moment I have with you. I’m guessing there won’t be many more of those moments now.

I have no doubts that your future will be amazing. You’ll be a superstar and I’ll just be moping around, missing my high school crush for the rest of my existence, but I guess I deserve it. If you ever want to talk to me again, I’ll always be around. If not, I get it. I do promise that if you ever show up on my doorstep, no matter what, I’ll always open the door with a heart full of hope, and I’ll always open the door, still loving you.

I love you. Always will.

Jack.

Alex closed his eyes, wishing that Rian wasn’t in the room so that he was truly invisible. When he opened his eyes again, his vision had blurred. He blinked to see clearly, which only resulted in free flowing tears.

He glanced sideways to see that his younger self had dropped the letter and had now buried his face in his hands, sobbing silently.

Alex placed a comforting hand on the back of his younger self, even though he knew that the younger couldn’t feel anything. He felt sorry for his younger self, who was experiencing the same emotions as he was. The younger’s shoulders shook violently as the crying intensified. Then again, he was also angry at his younger self, because knowing the situation in the present, he figured that his younger self hadn’t done anything to get back in touch with Jack.

Just then, the door opened and in walked young Tanner. Alex’s hand remained on his younger self’s back, and he felt the younger tense.

Tanner frowned. “Alex, you okay?”

Young Alex stammered, “A-uh-aum.” His hand shook as he tried to find a place to shove the note.

Tanner’s eyes instantly focused on the note as they narrowed in suspicion. “What’s that?”

Young Alex waved the paper around as if it were nothing. “Nothing, just an old flyer.” He lied with tears still streaming down his face.

Tanner’s eyes softened when he saw the younger boy’s sadness. “What’s wrong?”

Young Alex scrunched up the note. “Nothing.” He repeated.

Tanner stepped in front of young Alex and knelt down. “Is it Jack?”

Young Alex looked surprised. “W-what? N-no.”

Tanner sighed and placed his hand over young Alex’s clenched fist, which was hiding the scrunched up note. “Alex, babe, we graduated. This is all over now. You and I can go live a happy life. Just keep ignoring him. He’ll stop trying to contact you. Trust me, it’ll be for the best.”

“It’s for the best.” Young Alex repeated in a whisper.

“That’s right.” Tanner whispered back before leaning forward and kissing him.

Alex watched all this, feeling nothing but utter sorrow at the fact that his younger self was so confused. He had wanted Jack, but at the same time, he wanted Tanner, and he couldn’t settle for just one. Then again, perhaps he could’ve. Settling for just Tanner didn’t seem to cut it, so what if he had chosen the other?

The scene slowly melted away, and Alex was back in his bedroom, lying on his bed, except this time, Tanner was standing in the doorway and Alex’s face was wet with tears.